Life update

[steelwork]

It's been a few years since I posted here, and maybe a year since I read. This place was incredibly important to me in the first years after a traumatic breakup with a man I am (still) pretty sure has/had some sort of cluster B situation going on. There has been no communication between us for over 5 years at this point, and though I still feel in some ways attached (i.e. I think of writing to him when some big thing happens in my life), I don't really have any feelings of wanting explanations for what happened. I think probably no one currently on the board will know what my situation is. The person I'm referring to as my ex was an affair partner. I spent some time separated from the person on whom I cheated, but we drifted back together and resumed our previous relationship.

So now—wait for it—a few days ago, my partner came out to me as a trans woman. This is a secret she has kept for 50+ years, and she had never told a soul until she came out to her therapist two years ago.

I know this isn't the place for hashing out THAT situation, but I feel so strongly that this explains a lot of the dynamics that led me to have an affair, and in particular with the person I had the affair with--with the BPD traits and all that entails. Maybe if there is interest I will say more about that?

[steelwork]

Sorry--that should have said two DAYS ago, not two years ago. That's when I learned my boyfriend of 14 years is a trans woman. So it's all quite fresh.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Steelwork-

I seem to recall a bit about you... something to do with a book being written?  A story?  Although I could be way WAY off...

But for you today... whiplash.  Would that be anything similar to what you may be feeling?  However please know I don’t want to presume you feel any certain way... that’s for you to try to express when you’ve gained your footing.  I’m kind of wondering if I’d understand my OWN feelings this soon after learning this about a long-term partner.  Please understand, no judgement.

And... I want you to feel safe to express any feelings around processing this here.  And how the dynamics in this relationship MAY have led to your affair partner and the difficulty you’ve faced in Detaching from that relationship.

Members are drawn to disordered partners for so many reasons; and none of us truly pinpoints exactly why (I don’t think).  And detachment is an incredible struggle.  AND... I’ve seen several members who’ve had disordered affair partners, so you’re not alone in this painful experience. 

But none of us are EVER in a position “so healed” that we dare say “hey!  Don’t even CONSIDER processing THAT here!”

When you’re comfortable, please say more.  You, your words and your feelings are safe here and will be fully embraced. 

I am personally a bit ignorant, so I hope you can forgive me if I ask stupid questions like this one - your partner is a man, who has always identified as a woman, and he is just NOW stating this aloud, correct?  This must be terrifying for him as your indication is that he is over 50 years old.  Has he *done* anything to manifest this feeling, i.e. dress as a woman in public, etc?  Is he attracted to men or women?  I sincerely hope I’m not being too intrusive, and if so, please do tell me.

I’m trying to gain some understanding of your situation to better support you so you don’t feel so alone.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes