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Author Topic: Is this really the end? What do I do now?  (Read 168 times)
Mr. Kelly

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 46


« on: April 11, 2021, 07:59:40 AM »

Hi all...

I’ve written a lot on here about my relationship, so I’ll try to be brief.

I got the dreaded breakup text yesterday.  She says she’s done.  Repeatedly and undeniably.  She has said that likely 6 or 8 times since I’ve been with her, a year and a half.  All by text, but this one seems pretty determined.

We went back and forth a dozen times after her initial text.  She pulled out every nasty trick, every piece of evidence, every insult she could think of to break my stride.  I held firm with my reality (maybe laid it on too thick), and clearly left the door open for her to reach out someday, if and when she’s ready.  She is hurt, hostile and angry, and I didn’t even DO anything over the past few weeks to exacerbate things.

Her themes circled around how I’m still hung up on my ex wife, we are going in circles, and I don’t really love her, in so many words.  It was rough to read all that from someone that told me they loved me, repeatedly, just a short while ago.  So sad.

What can or should I do now?

I fear if I go completely no contact, it might validate her own narratives.  If I reach out to her again, it may make things worse, or bring back the fire.

This could just be a predictable split, with a beginning middle and end.  Who knows.  What should I do? 

Thoughts?
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« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2021, 09:02:29 AM »

Mr. Kelly,

The rapid fire text messages of accusations and negative thoughts.  I hear you. 

I have been on the receiving end many times throughout the 7 years with my partner.  What I can tell you is that this has improved much as of late, but unfortunately has not completed stopped.  What I have learned is that there is a need inside of them to test us, and to see that it effects us, to know they still have a hold on us.  It’s maddening.  I don’t know your partner, but I know mine, and it sounds like she may have just ‘fallen into the hole’, and is unfortunately reacting the way she is reacting, albeit not in the realm of reality.

Best advice I can give is to stay true to yourself.  Let her know how you feel.  If you love and adore her deeply and want her to know and feel that I think it doesn’t hurt to give her that reassurance.  Letting her know that you are committed to her and want to work through the things that are bothering her may be what she needs to hear.

These relationships are not easy, they are very very hard.  People with BPD have struggles beyond comprehension. 

I love my husband, he has these amazing qualities that I admire and he has this warmth that draws others to him as well.  When he has an episode it literally feels like a completely different person.  He is overcome by something that shadows all of his greatness and I admit I hate this side of him, it still has the ability to send me into a panic.  He sees a psychiatrist and has made improvements but he is not free of this and it rears its head unexpectedly.  It’s something that causes me a lot of stress when spending extended time with family and friends) and sometimes not even extended time, sometimes just a dinner), the fear that it will come out and they’ll judge and feel less about him.  We have been together for several years and got married a couple of years ago.  I was very nervous going to my family’s for Xmas a couple years ago because of the unknown timing of the episodes.  My family has seen him at his worst, but we had just gotten married and I have this extreme fear he would act out and they would place judgement that I married him.  My brother got to my parents early and cleared out this shed so they could have a mans cave.  My husband was so happy with this arrangement and the visit was really great.  Everyone spent a lot of time together and then the guys did their thing outside.  I was deeply touched that without saying anything my brother had the awareness that my husband just needed a little time to not be with the large group, and knew what to do.  I tell this story because BPD effects great people that need a little special love. 

Whatever happens with you and your partner, know that the challenge you fell into upon meeting this person is something you had nothing to do with, and all you can do is learn about what it is that effects her the way it does, and show her love, compassion and kindness.  But at the same time, don’t allow yourself to be walked on.  One recent minor flare-up was alleviated by me firmly but softly reminding him of my love by saying, ‘you know how much I adore you and I was excited to see you and it really hurt me when you said that.’

And the last thing I’ll say is what someone said to me that helped something click, you need to live your best life, and she’s either going to rise up and come with you, or she’s not. 

Sending good vibes. 
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« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2021, 03:05:29 PM »

I fear if I go completely no contact, it might validate her own narratives.  If I reach out to her again, it may make things worse, or bring back the fire.

i understand this. i had the same fear when my ex broke up with me.
 
in my case, it tends to be anxiety talking, suggesting that i "do something". it really never works this way, and you dont want to act out of anxiety anyway.

you left the door open - good. at this point, it would be best to give her space. if theres a time to reach out in the future, youll know. it will be clear.

odds are though, even if she does want to break up, she doesnt want things to end like that.

what led up to this breakup/text?

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Mr. Kelly

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 46


« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2021, 09:43:09 AM »


what led up to this breakup/text?



Once removed… Thank you for the thoughts and the question.

The major issues that have come between us over the last year and a half have been as follows…

1) political differences. Although, we don’t talk as much about it anymore

 2) she thinks I am still tied up on my ex-wife, evidenced by the fact that we had talked a year ago about her moving into the house that I shared with my ex spouse, and currently with my 13 yr old daughter, and because of her episodes, I backed away. Of course, I didn’t tell her that was the reason. This seems to be the biggest issue, and surfaces with her recognizing many many examples and evidence, mostly embellished.

To directly answer your question, about three weeks ago, I said some thing challenging to her when she was spewing political hatred at a table of her friends at a restaurant. When we got home to my house, she was in such a negative space and started to split.  I was pretty irritated fire bad mood… Which was a mistake on my part… so I suggested strongly that I could take her home if she wanted that. Minutes later, she packed up everything she had at the house and left, spewing hostilities at me a good chunk of the 35 Drive drive to her house. I knew it was bad.

For the next 10 days, we talked on the phone, I saw her twice, but it was clearly strained.

Then, after some unusual silence for a handful of days, I got the break up text. There was no major fight in that 10 day period, or even anything hostile. Things seemed to be kind of going OK. She hadn’t spent the night at the house during that time. I hadn’t invited her. I wanted to give her the space she needed to process.

All this being said, in her break up text, she said she just wasn’t feeling any interest in calling me anymore, or coming down to the house.  She said she flatlined. I do get it. She was in a very dark place, likely for reasons I have no idea. 

Mind you, as they say, there’s often a sliver of truth in much of what a BPD splits over… And the evidence she provides that I was hung up on my ex-wife, on the surface, looks a little revealing, but no amount of trying to convince her that I’m not pining over my ex-wife did any good. Seems to make it worse, so I stopped trying.  It is almost like if I am not 100,000,000% clear that she is the center of my universe, it’s not enough for her. Power and control are also mechanisms that she uses frequently.

There is a bit of an update, although I may have already written this elsewhere… Out of the blue, she did text me again last night and nitpick when I texted to her the day before that she could have been the love of my life… But we will never know if she leaves… She obsessed over the “could have been” and angrily stated that if I didn’t know by now after 1.5 years, that tells her all she needs to know, and she is still walking away.

I responded thoughtfully, with a little bit of humor, and encouraged her to reach out and I would try the best I could to hear what she is saying.

We will see how long it will be before the next reach out. I’m not counting on it or waiting around for it. I have to live my life and move forward, and I am even moving away from it by considering other dating options. With my history, dating won’t be easy, considering my age and social status, but it does give hope for the future when I start to look in other directions around me. That’s really all that likely keeps me sane, after all this… :-)
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Skip
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« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2021, 10:15:12 AM »

when I texted to her the day before that she could have been the love of my life… But we will never know if she leaves…

Well, we can put this one on the blooper reel.   Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  

Every man here that has a world class blooper raise your hand.



Exactly.

So it sounds like you had a heated fight and rather than return to baseline, the embers smoldered and the fire broke out three weeks later.

A political fight within a relationship in the United States in 2021 is a really big deal. One party is accused of wanting to deprive all women of healthcare so they will suffer. The party is being accused of wanting to make being born a caucasian a hate crime. Both parties want to hang centrists as traitors. It's an insane time with foreign powers doing a great job of fanning the flames of division.

What did you two tangle over? How deep did you disagree? Walking it back a little - without condition - might be a worthwhile step and a way to creak open communication.

Our relationship aside, I was thinking about what you said about ____ and I do think your point is valid. All political hyperbole aside, I wonder why anyone the country can't find common ground to solve this?

Choose the "_____ " wisely.  Being cool (click to insert in post)



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Mr. Kelly

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 46


« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2021, 03:31:53 PM »

Thank you Skip for your thoughts, and your comic relief… :-)

The political discourse really started with me. We started watching the news together about three months in, and I notice she started to suddenly get nasty and verbally hostile toward the party to which I affiliate most. I’m really an independent, but that’s a slippery definition.

Over time, in conversation, I began to challenge her perspectives and nastiness, and try to “teach” her differing perspectives on an issue, or at least try to validate what my perspectives were.  That never went well.  I suspect it was clear to her that I didn’t think she was well rounded in her political viewpoints.

Interestingly, over the year that we were discussing politics, I began to learn from her, and learn a tolerance for a different perspectives and political ideologies, and I thought that was progress.  I never could master the nastiness, though.

Over the last year, the political discourse faded a bit, and her attention turned toward the issue of me being hung up on my ex-wife… So in many ways, this girl substitutes one problem for another, as soon as the first problem seems to be fading away. I suspect that is a very common characteristic of borderlines.

But, over the last six months, or so, the main arguments came out of her disrespecting politicians who I actually think are pretty good. I would try to explain to her that it’s not really the difference of opinion regarding political ideology that was getting under my skin, it was the fact that she would verbally trash people that I respect. She didn’t take that kindly, either.

One night a couple months ago, she went on and on about how I had to grow a pair of balls and accept that she had the first amendment right to say anything that she wanted about anybody, and I can’t do anything about it.  It didn’t go well with her when I tried to explain to her that her doing so was triggering for me, and the hostility and anger that went into it made me feel uncomfortable. In a sense, I started to create a little bit of a boundary. I said to her if she was going to trash politicians in my company that she should expect some blow back. She didn’t take kindly to that.

She seemed to respect that boundary for the next several months fairly well, until the night at the restaurant in front of her friends, when a bunch of them were bashing politicians, and all I did was inquire where their hostility was coming from, and that was enough to send her over the edge. I think it was an “a ha“ moment for her, when she learned once again that I was not to be trusted, and that I was going to make her feel badly for her political beliefs, one way or the other.  It didn’t help that it was in front of her friends, even though I had kept completely silent on numerous occasions prior to that with the same group.

So, her black-and-white thinking extends to politicians and political parties. One party is smart and knows everything, and the other one are all assholes and stupid. She can’t seem to reconcile the fact that there are plenty of good people on the other side who are working hard to make good things happen. It’s all bad.  I really tried hard to offer that same respect when her party was predominant.

So, I suppose you can imagine that I am conflicted in this whole situation? It’s almost hard to imagine that the same girl that I am describing can be so warm, giving, and affectionate. Upon hearing her talk about politics, you think could be one step from an ax murderer. 
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Mr. Kelly

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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 46


« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2021, 03:35:34 PM »

By the way… My political perspective has always been very centrist, and I have always tried to encourage her to see the good that comes from both sides of the aisle, and I have almost always been able to remain neutral regarding discussions, trying hard to see both sides of every issue.

She has a painfully hard time doing that. No surprise, I guess.

It is also not surprising that the very few times I have slipped up and become angry with something she has said are the times that it is held the most against me.
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