My adult BPD son blames me and bullies me

[DOSB]

My son is in his early 30s. It is only fairly recently that he has finally been diagnosed with BDP after many years of problems and other diagnosis such as mild Aspergers, sleep disorders, depression and anxiety. He has been under the care of psychiatrists and mental health experts on and off for many years. He does not live me now although he has done so in the past and most recently lived with me and my second husband (his step father) for 3 years. He now has a job after a lengthy period unemployed and I am astounded that he has somehow managed to keep it. He has threated suicide multiple times and has done things like lie down in the middle of a busy road and threatened to jump from bridges. He has recently taken to cutting himself with one incident requiring medical intervention and stitches.
As a child he lived with me and my ex-husband and his younger sister. I finally separated from my ex 12 years ago when my son was aged 21. My ex-husband was a controlling and unkind man who abused me emotionally and constantly put me down. He found my son’s personality to be irritating and annoying and often got very angry and frustrated with him frequently telling him he was a “Stupid F#^%@ idiot”. When my son wouldn’t get out of bed he would drag him out and then lock him out of the house. There were several times when my ex lost his temper so much that he physically attacked my son and I saw him kicking him when he was down on the ground and punching him in his stomach and head. I tried to intervene and stop him but was unable to do so. I love my children deeply and did everything I could to be a kind, caring and loving parent. I was constantly trying to protect my son and one of the reasons I did not leave my ex sooner was that my ex threatened me that if I left he would do everything he could to bring me down and make sure I would never see my children again. I was scared that if he was left alone with him he would harm my son even more. And my ex was a clever, manipulative man and I was afraid of his threats.
Now I feel that I probably did the wrong thing in staying with my ex although I still believe my reasons were valid. I was trying to protect my children and especially my son as my ex behaved differently towards our daughter.
Now my son blames me for creating an ”invalidating childhood” and causing his illness. He has no understanding that I too was a victim of his father and was struggling myself. I have never given up on my son yet he constantly abuses me and criticizes me. I am his principal support person and am always there for him no matter what! I can’t count how many times I have helped him – to clean up vomit, to clean his apartment and help him put his trash out, to help him do his grocery shopping, to arrange therapy for him and help pay for it, to talk to his employer after an dramatic incident that happened at his at work, to talk to the police when they are called as he has threatened suicide etc. He bullies me constantly and will send me the most vicious messages causing me great distress but then the next minute he talks as if nothing has happened. He never apologizes for the hurtful things he says to me or ever asks how I am doing. Frequently he blocks me for months at a time so I cannot contact him but then suddenly he will unblock me and carry on as if nothing has happened.
Recently he has started saying that he now has a better relationship with his father than me and that his father has been very supportive. Whilst I’m pleased they are getting on better now I find this incredibly hurtful. He now says he blames me for his illness and I find this very hard to cope with. He even includes me in being complicit in incidents such as his father locking him out of the house when I had nothing to do with it and was in fact pleading with his father not to do it. I feel incredible guilt that I should have done things differently regarding staying with his father. It is very hard to know how to manage this. Any help/advise will be greatly appreciated. I am really struggling.
DOSB

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome and you are not alone here.  Guilt is very common  and it is also joined with fear, obligation, thus the acronym FOG.  As parents and mothers we often ruminate over what we could've should've would've done better.  Please know that your son's BPD is not your fault.  Here is a post from this forum on FOG for some suggested reading  :
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The Library here has a list of suggested readings.  Stop Walking on Eggshells is a popular book and helpful.  You will find the best way to help your adult BPD is to help yourself first.   

[endofmyropemom]

Hi DOSB.  I just wanted to tell you that your story sounds so much like mine.  While the abuse I endured with my son's dad wasn't as severe as yours physically, the turmoil was much the same.  His dad had issues of depression that would make him fluctuate from a raging maniac to a totally passive, flat, and uninvolved man.  I always felt I had to do 90% of the work with everything, including caring for my two children.  I always had to work full time, so I have no doubts that I couldn't be "enough" for my son.  He is now 27 and dwBPD.

I finally divorced his father after 20 years of marriage when the abuse crossed over to a physical assault.  By then, our son was very ill, had dropped out of middle school, and was ODing on anything he could get his hands on.  It all was a living hell.  My son did end up in residential treatment for a year and half when he was 16.  At that time, he was diagnosed with Bi-polar 1, Asperger's, ODD, ADHD, and addiction issues. 

He now lives in community housing and has been hospitalized dozens of times because of the self harm, suicide attempts, and drug use.  The diagnosis of BPD came just a few years ago, but in looking back at his behavior, it had been with him all along. 

I am also his main target for his abuse and blame.  When I tell him I will no longer receive his raging calls, he will sometimes flip a switch, telling me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me.  At other times, he will threaten suicide.  It's a no win situation except I now tell him that I will call 911 if he is really looking to harm himself.  He always seems to back peddle with that threat when he knows I mean business.  He either loves me or he hates me.  When he is raging, he absolutely blames me for everything wrong in his life, including giving birth to him to begin with (as if I would know he would be born to suffer like this).

His dad recently died after living in a group home himself.  He had some sort of degenerative brain disease that that made him unable to care for himself.  He ultimately died of heart failure which was really traumatic for our son.  Since his father's death, his BPD symptoms are very intense right now.  When I encourage more help than what he is getting, I am met with a hundred excuses on why it won't work.  In all fairness to him, he has been in the psychiatric community for at least half his life and I can see how he gets so frustrated.  The more I try and help him, the more fault he finds in me and trust me, his words are worse than anything his father ever dished out.

Lately, my son has completely rewritten history on the type of man his dad was.  "Dad is the only one that cared about me" or "At least Dad loved me".  His dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to him and often ignored him because of his own demons.  I get it that it's normal to praise someone that has died, but I know he wants to hurt me with his words.  I wasn't a perfect mother, but I was very emotionally connected to my son.  He was a bright, sensitive, and quite a personable child that was easy to love.  While he was prone to tantrums, I had empathy for him and thought he would outgrow it.  Of course that would not be the case, but I really tried everything I knew to make up for what his dad wasn't giving him.

I am remarried to a wonderful man that has done backflips to help my son in so many situations, but my son shows no appreciation.  On a rare occasion, my son will acknowledge his step dad and others that have sacrificed long and hard for him, but this is not the norm.

I can only say it's so hard when you know you are doing everything you can to help them and they squash you every chance they get.  I often wonder if they do it because they know we are "safe" and they need an outlet for all that pain inside them.  I figure there is a lot for me to still learn about all this.

I finally decided though that I need to take care of myself with the same vigor.  I block his number when he gets abusive, assuring him I will unblock when he can calmly talk.  It's been a journey that I never could have imagined. 

[DOSB]

Hi endofmyropemum.
Thank you for sharing your story. It does sound very similar to mine and it is helpful to know that I am not alone in this and that others may have good ideas in how to cope. I have been agonizing about the whole issue of having boundaries knowing that when I use them my son will likely block me and then I won't know if he is safe or be able to help in a crisis. But your idea of telling him that you will block him until he can talk calmly is a good one. I will try that next time he starts going at me.

I have been reading posts about how BPD comes about and how it often stems from a highly sensitive child reacting to the world.  I am in my 60s and when I was parenting him when he was young I had hardly heard of things like BDP and Aspergers syndrome. Autism was something considered very rare and barely talked about either. It is easy to think that if I knew then what I do now I may have done a better job in helping him find his way in the world.

My son also got involved in drugs when he was in his teens and I think some were hallucinogenic. He became withdrawn, secretive and sneaky and would not talk to me about anything. This was the time that he started refusing to get out of bed to go to school.

One difference between our situation is that my son pretty much never tells me he loves me or is thankful for the support I give him. He just thinks it is my duty and obligation as his mother to be there for him whenever he wants me and that I will drop everything to do so. I know I should not accept this and many times I have told myself that I will not tolerate his abuse anymore and next time I see him I will tell him I want an apology. But somehow I never find a good time to do this. When he is more stable I don't want to rock the boat and when he is unwell I don't want to make him worse! Talk about catch 22.

I see that with your son's dad having passed away obviously you get no support from his father. My ex husband is such a nasty man that he barely communicates with me. He has a pattern of permanently cutting off anyone who he perceives has done something to offend him and seeing as I eventually left him then of course I am top of the list! And he is so toxic that I only ever contact him when there is a major crises with our son. But then my ex will often use these times as opportunities to hurt me and bring up completely unrelated things such as how dare I talk with one of his extended family members. Most recently when our son was suicidal he callously said that it is likely our son will actually do it (commit suicide) at some stage but that he knew of people who had a family member with BPD who had eventually committed suicide and that it was relief to them as at last they didn't need to worry about them any more. I cannot tell you how much those words hurt me. I could not sleep and when I finally did I had terrible nightmares. I just want my son to get better so he can start living a happy life.

And more more similarity between us - I too have remarried  and to a wonderfully kind, calm and patient man who is incredibly supportive. There are no harsh words in our home and I am so very thankful. 

I agree with you you that our sons treat us badly whenever it suits them as they know we are 'safe" being their mothers. No one else would tolerate it. I feel that my son lashes out at me whenever he is feeling emotional pain and this is so hard to take. But the mothering bond is so strong. It is just going to take us a while to figure out how to manage this so our own mental health is not completely destroyed. Go well.

[endofmyropemom]

Hi DOSB.  It's a nightmare, isn't?  I heard somewhere that those that suffer from BPD are like buckets with holes in them.  You cannot ever do enough to make them feel better.  The rare times my son says kind things to me can turn into vicious words within moments if I don't say the right things back.  To say he is manipulative is an understatement.  He's bright and he knows how to get what he needs and wants at the moment.  Of course he is never happy with anything in the long run.  This is just one more reason I have been wanting a reprieve from him.  It hurts to hear him pour on the love, only to punish me. 

I'm also now in my 60's.  I turned 60 just last month.  I too remember a generation that heard nothing of these conditions.  I was also a highly sensitive child, but there was little empathy for me.  I married young the first time and had my first child (my daughter) at a young age.  I held down jobs, often to my detriment because I had to.  I think I could have gone one way or the other and I just pushed myself to do better because I wanted a stable life.

Like your son, mine gravitated to hallucinogens too.  He would purchase certain cold medicines and take them in huge quantities.  He never needed a dealer to find a way to escape.  There was no getting him out of bed for school.   

My ex husband lost his job at some point during this time and was a "stay-at-home" dad.  He always covered for his son when it came to me.  I would come home from work and ask if our son made it to school and my ex would lie and say he did!  I wouldn't find out until I had the school calling me to tell me otherwise.  My ex was very self absorbed and he knew his son was getting intoxicated too and would cover for that.  There came a time after our divorce that he would go buy our son liquor, just to have him out of the way.  Here's the thing.  My ex was a straight arrow who did not drink or do drugs.  He simply enabled because it was just easier.  Then when our son would infringe on his world, he would flip a switch too.  I see a lot of my son in his dad unfortunately.

The suicide threats are terrible, but I have learned that I have no control over what my son ultimately does.  I told him many times that I love him and that I would be devastated.  But I have always followed that with how I will not blame myself should he decide to do such a thing.  I think that is important for them to hear because I notice my son uses that threat a little less these days.  He still tries to blame me for his misery and I close down the conversation.  I have always told him that I would listen if there were things I needed to hear.  I have offered to go to counseling with him if it would help.  Again, he always backs down.  I am not afraid of admitting where I failed. 

I do wish I knew what more I could do to help him because right now, I am all out of gas.  I do have him on a phone block so that his lashings will have to wait.  I still have my Messenger account so that he can reach me in a calmer manner.  I just know I owe it to myself and my present husband to not drown with my son.  It took me a long time to find some happiness and confidence myself and I am not giving that up at this point. 

[DOSB]

Hi endofmyropemum
I am finding your posts very helpful so thank you for sharing. Yes, it sure is  a nightmare! I have known for years that my son manipulates me. But with learning more about this condition now I am vowing to myself that I will try much harder to not allow this to happen. So listening to what you have to say is encouraging to me.
Just this morning he was rude in a message to me yet again and so I have not replied. My son hardly ever talks with me on the phone - rather his preferred choice of communication is via messages on the messenger ap. To be honest I sometimes find that is an easier way to communicate with him as at least I can take my time to try to find the right words to express whatever it is, in the hope that he will not react negatively. But now I realize that the anguish I have over whether or not he will take offence over something I say is just another form of manipulation and control over me.
As I mentioned over the years he has had many diagnoses including mild autism/Asperger's syndrome. Conveniently for him this gave him an excuse for his bad behavior - i.e he just couldn't help it as he saw the world differently. When he last lived with me (for 3 years) it ended with the police having to remove him from my house as he had hit me and thrown me across the floor. I refused to press charges as I told the police he was autistic and was therefore not able to process things like normal people. The fact that it is only fairly recent that he has finally been diagnosed as BPD helps me understand that I should not tolerate his bad behavior.
I find the privacy laws to be be hard to navigate too. I do understand why they are there but sometimes I feel they are counterproductive especially as they can be used by BPD to continue the game. I felt my son was unlikely to be revealing the full story to his psychiatrist and so several times I sent emails explaining about concerning events/behaviors. I never even got an acknowledgment and I assume this would have been because as my son will have told them not to tell me anything. It was not until I alerted his Psychiatrist to the event above, when my son was physically violent to me that I was actually contacted. I was told the violence was nothing to do with his condition but rather to do with his personality and was just bad behavior. 
Thank you again for telling me your story. It is helpful to know I am not alone in this.

[endofmyropemom]

As I mentioned over the years he has had many diagnoses including mild autism/Asperger's syndrome. Conveniently for him this gave him an excuse for his bad behavior - i.e he just couldn't help it as he saw the world differently.

Hi DOSB.  THIS is exactly what my son does to me!  He ALWAYS tells me he cannot help himself for the exact same reasons.  "I have Autism.  I have BPD.  I have...(fill in the blank)  You don't understaaaaaaaaaand!"  It doesn't matter if he lied to me again, stole something, got drunk, got into a fight, lost another important card or his ID and I have to go replace it for him.  He doesn't drive and he doesn't work, so being his SSI payee means I have to make sure he has his basics.

I am really at the end of my rope.  It's horrible to realize they are simply abusing you because they know they can.  I hate how much he suffers, but he could get better if he committed to his therapy, stayed medically compliant, and truly committed to a period of sobriety that lasted more than a few weeks.   

After this past weekend's drunken excursion and making us all believe he really killed himself this time (a whole long story), I have decided not to have verbal communication with him until he makes up his mind that to reach for the help that is out there.  I can't fix him and I won't be his punching bag.