Ghosting EX and kids

[Ruffuss]

Good morning, I was ghosted after 4 years together from my ex GF. She had 4 kids and I 5. They were good friends and I don't want to get in the way of that but what boundaries do I set with my kids? The ex recently added my daughter to Discord after telling me months ago she deleted it but its the same account. She also visit's my kids at their school. Is that right? Is this a game? Is this a charm? Do I tell my kids to stay away from her?

Conflicted I am...

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  What are the ages of your children?  Visiting at school does not sound right.  Was that a regular occurrence when you were together?   Are her children at the same school?  CoMo

[Turkish]

That sounds like an uncomfortable situation. Do both hers and your kids go to the same school?

I wouldn't involve your kids in boundary setting unless you feel they might be in danger. The boundaries should be between the birth of you as adults. It sounds like you're in contact with your ex. Have you told her not to interact with your kids? How do your kids feel?

[Ruffuss]

Good afternoon and thanks for replying.

her children do not go to the same school as mine. My kids are 8, 10 and 12 that attend this school, my other two go to high school. I don't recall her ever going to see my kids at their school and I have had zero contact with my BPD ex ghoster at all. I have emailed her 5 times in 3 months and no response.

My kids do miss her and I have told them that its ok to talk to her but part of me thinks if you ghosted me then you lost it all, me, my kids and a good life but I also don't want to be bitter.

[Ruffuss]

And yes it is uncomfortable as she can talk to them and not me? Is that just to hurt me?

[Turkish]

Given she has no legal relationship to the kids, is surprising the school lets her on the grounds. Can you talk to the school to stop that?

Edit: If my ex found out that her exH, the kids' step-dad for a few years, were visiting the school, all hell would break loose. School is school, period. She isn't family. Given their ages, it would be hard to control their social media, but she doesn't belong at the school period.

[livednlearned]

Ouch, that has to hurt. To be ghosted like that, especially after blending your families.

Was there open conflict previous to her exit?

The ex recently added my daughter to Discord after telling me months ago she deleted it but its the same account. She also visit's my kids at their school. Is that right? Is this a game? Is this a charm? Do I tell my kids to stay away from her?

How do the kids feel about seeing her at school, and what was their relationship like with her prior to the split?

It must be confusing for them. Do they report back what she says to them?

[ForeverDad]

What you don't want to do is "invalidate" your children by saying something that may be well-meant but sabotaging to them.  You would do well to visit our Tools and Skills board and read the articles on Validation.

I don't know what would be specific appropriate examples to guard gainst but the goal is to encourage them to learn, in general, to "trust their gut" and not get fooled or overwhelmed by the Ex.

[Ruffuss]

I apologize for the late response. Its been a tough go as she had contacted me again then split as soon as I wanted to talk about what happened between us or what she wants from me.

Since then she has now excommunicated my kids from being friends with hers. I find that sad as they were sisters at one point. She no longer sees them either and my kids were/are hurt about it.

She also told me she didn't want to talk and that she was using this time to heal. That she would call me if she wanted to talk.. Well a week later, tonight in fact, she texts me to tell me all about her sons health issues. I have no idea if I am even to respond. I cant keep playing this game. Each time I just get over the fact and feel good, she comes back into my life in some way.

What the heck do I do?