Out of energy

[Tres_Libras1321]

I've been married 7 years. My spouse has some outstanding qualities like, deeply compassionate, fun (life of the party), intelligent. The other side is inexplicable. I encourage introspection, I guess that is to say, that I always try to examine my actions, reactions, and perspective as they relate to a given conflict. I do the same regarding others and try to generally give them the benefit of the doubt... Maybe more than is deserved. I do not take it for granted that I am right, that I don't overreact, or unintentionally cause hurt, even intentionally if feeling backed into a corner/out of options... But "justifiably" so.

Today this sort of construct just crashed down around me. Nearly 2 years ago a therapist I was seeing recommended that I read "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder" . My spouse has not been diagnosed this way but with other illness such as PTSD, Anxiety Panic Disorder, and Chronic Depression. Maybe all these together just look like BPD or it's a misdiagnosis, or any other range of things. Who am I to say? I'm not a doctor and my therapist said explicitly she was not diagnosing my spouse. How could that be done with no personal contact? So I will get to the point.

2 years ago I could barely read the forward and I never went further. Life took over and the demand of our relationship, and life circumstances proved easier to bury myself in or distract from... Whatever. 2 years later Ive now downloaded the book online. I cried pretty much non-stop through the first 3 chapters. It read like a direct account of the last 7 years of my life. I'm overwhelmed with a range of emotions... Loads of repressed pain rushing forward, mixed with compassion and so much guilt.

I was so close to leaving... I have been for a very long time I guess. Im in real fear that a split would lead to a complete downward spiral though... Possible suicide. I love my spouse... I don't want to be hurt by them anymore... I don't know what else to say.

Thanks for listening

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are very difficult, even at best. However, learning communication tools can help. Whether you choose to stay or leave, we can help you. What are some of the difficult issues you’re dealing with?

[Tres_Libras1321]

Sorry for such a late reply. At first I really had no idea how to respond to the question of what major issues are going on right now. In terms of now we are in a "good" spot. There are issues that crop up. Outbursts or allegations pertaining to things that seem frivolous usually. This is merely a way of life now. That ends up bringing me to my major issue. It's not the first time I have thought it or vocalized it, but I try to avoid thinking about it as much as I can. My life essentially revolves around keeping my wife's environment as stable or unchanging as possible, with as little responsibility as someone can really ask of another person. If she feels inclined to do it, great... if not, I just try to get over it. Until this past 12-18 months where, being extremely unhappy I've tried to reclaim some joy for myself. Of course, this has "lead" to many more unpleasant interactions.

Here's a couple of the ongoing conflicts:

1) any change to my work schedule
- I have to work later than expected
- I get off off work earlier than expected
- The time I start my shift changes by 1hr
- The shift I'm working changes for a week
2) any arrangement for waking up in the morning
A) she's waking me up
- It's not her responsibility
- She has too many responsibilities already
- I'm too hard to wake up
- I'm not nice when I wake up
B) I'm waking myself up
- My alarm is too loud
- I use more than 1 alarm
C) generalities
- I stayed up too late
- I worked too hard the day before
- I do it to spite her
- I'm lazy
- I'm simply irresponsible
- I'm too loud once I get up

So, for 7 years these 2 arguments have persisted. Both essentially have virtually unchangeable realities ingrained in them. Such as, I have to get up for work in the morning and I am not a light sleeper. Also, I am the only job holder in the family and I work Construction. Ao I've changed virtually every possible aspect of these situations I can control but to no avail.

Usually what ends up an argument starts relatively innocuous but as I try to reassure her this is not malicious, or push back the line of thinking just gets stranger and emotions so much more extreme. Accusations that I don't love her, that I'm actively trying to hurt her, or that I'm trying to drive her insane are common. Threats of suicide are pretty regular. Many times I end up erupting myself. I'm filled with resentment and just feel trampled... at a loss for any rational way to bring all of this to a close. It's very surreal. I feel powerless, like our situation is completely hopeless...

I also feel like I've went on far too long already so I'll end it here. If not it will be a novel soon enough. Thanks for listening.

[Cat Familiar]

As you well understand, these relationships can feel exhausting. Something that can be helpful is changing small ways we interact. At first it can feel as if we are pretending, but when we see how it can alleviate a lot of distress, we can incorporate these patterns more naturally. Here’s an article that might be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[rum2020]

You are so not alone. Morning routines are definitely an issue in my relationship as well. I learned the best thing to do, was to be positive no matter what. Sleep deprived, angry, resentful, doesn't matter just be positive. Part of me thinks it is that all night, my pwBPD has tossed and turned hating himself, etc. and in the morning it is like he is expecting confirmation that he is making someone miserable. It sucks, they have no idea who they are and what they want so trying to come up with a routine that works is brutal.  I was so tired of bad mornings I just decided to stick with what he thought was "best" and keep it consistent. Consistency and positivity, no matter what made mornings finally bearable for me. There will still be some mornings where that is not enough but I think doing the same thing gives them some stability they can start the day with. As for work, as much advanced notice as possible and don't JADE. It would maybe be a huge step, but telling your boss that you need a consistent schedule as possible may help, though it is hard without having to explain more why. Since my pwBPD isn't diagnosed, I don't feel comfortable telling my boss I can't work weekends because my husband has a personality disorder but if push comes to shove I could hopefully give her enough information to understand. As a lot of members point out being in these relationships is very difficult, trying to find some sort of balance is a daily struggle.

What Cat posted about not being invalidating was the most helpful thing I have learned here yet and wasn't hard to start implementing. Before learning about BPD, I thought he was just emotionally immature and had anger management problems, now I realize how much deeper the issues are. Which means what I do and how I communicate during the normal times makes a world of difference as well. Invalidation can have many forms, inattentive invalidation is one of them. Figuring out which ways I was being invalidating and correcting that on my side made a big difference, the outbursts are less frequent. Does it make it all better? No, because it often feels one-sided and being a caretaker instead of being in a mutual adult relationship. That is how it goes until they realize their issues and take steps to work on themselves.

[rum2020]

Are you still seeing a therapist?