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I recently got married and am finding out my new husband has BOD. I was not told this before the marriage and now am seeing his “triggers” occur all the time. He doesn’t think anything is wrong with him and would refuse treatment. Is my only option divorce?

[Bpdhelp2022]

I recently got married and am finding out my new husband has BOD. I was not told this before the marriage and now am seeing his “triggers” occur all the time. He doesn’t think anything is wrong with him and would refuse treatment. Is my only option divorce?

[GaGrl]

How long have you been married?

If a very new marriage, annulment might be an option (but you might still need to unravel finances).

Do you want to stay in the marriage as it is, or are you wanting your husband to pursue treatment?

How severe is his behavior?

[Bpdhelp2022]

We have only been married 6 months! I only knew him for 7 months before marrying. I am beginning to see that there was force/lots of pressure to get married right away! I’ve never been married and am older, so I thought why not? He seemed so perfect in the beginning.

As for an annulment, you have to show proof that they have a disorder and he is refusing that he has one. I have been seeing a psychologist myself to get answers. He has all the traits (7 of the 9 for sure) of BPD, but won’t seek treatment. He says nothing is wrong!

If he did want treatment and knew there were problems, I would think differently.

He has quiet BPD and more so hurts himself. He hits his head (never before marriage) and has even recently said he was going to go jump off the nearby bridge. This is usually in a disagreement or when he doesn’t get his way (saying he is punishing himself). His  emotions are ALL over the place, always very intense (an 11 out of a 1-10 scale). He also does other strange things that are inappropriate and just very odd...

It is truly very sad! I feel for him greatly, but he refuses to seek any help. I cannot live this way. I am constantly stressed and walking on eggshells! I feel my only option is divorce at this point, which I am afraid of how he will react.

[livednlearned]

He also does other strange things that are inappropriate and just very odd...

What kinds of things does he do?

I have an adult step daughter who I describe as quiet BPD and she also does some inappropriate and odd things.

What are some of the things that set him off? Maybe we can suggest things to do to prevent them from getting worse.

[formflier]

Are you regularly seeing the psychologist to sort through what is going on?

Good on you for seeking answers!

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

If you do not yet have children with him, then don't.  At least until you've figured out what you will do going forward.  Why?  Having children together will not fix these deep personality disorders, whether diagnosed or not.  Having children together makes unwinding a marriage vastly more difficult and messy.

Also, do not depend on your spouse to practice reliable birth control.  All it takes is one Oops! moment.

I was married for a decade before we had a child.  I had the mistaken assumption that having a child together would make her happier and our lives better.  It didn't.  In time it was so bad (repeated threats of allegations and to disappear with our child) I had no choice but to end the marriage for self-preservation.

The problem is that the longer you're together, the worse it will likely become.  I suspect in your case he now, after marriage, senses you are obligated to stick by him and so he feels free to "let it all hang out".

Edit:  We don't tell you what to do or not do, that's your decision, but in most cases these early concerns such as you've experienced become even larger over time.  Especially when it becomes evident the spouse won't seek counseling or substantially improve behaviors.

[formflier]

To add to whatForeverDad is saying.

I'm not aware of any story on these boards where having a child "fixed" the relationship/BPD. 

In all the cases I'm aware of...children complicated matters vastly.

Lots to consider.

Best,

FF

[yeeter]

It has been said more than once.  But it can not be repeated enough.

Do not have children with a person that you might suspect in any way having an emotional disorder.

It may very well be that yes, divorce is your only option. 

And to divorce early - lick your wounds, recover, then move on with life is much preferred over grinding on it for years, becoming deeper and deeper enmeshed, and then trying to unwind it all later.  Divorce isnt a great option.  But throwing years of your life and all of your own emotional energy and self identity into a black hole is a worse option.

Search here for 'black hole analogy' - as simply something to watch out for and be sure you do NOT get sucked into doing.  Being in a relationship with someone who has a disorder is an emotional black hole that can never be filled.  So you end up consumed by the need and can not live a healthy, fulfilling life of your own.

(found it):  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319029.msg12927637

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Eventually, all you have is an empty, lonely house with a big hole still in the back yard.

The day you decide to stop trying to fill that hole with important things from your life is the day you have decided to start taking care of yourself.