When does a person feel 100% healed and happy?

[Aerials]

My subject question is more rhetorical, but after 7+ years of NC with BPD/NPD abusive mother, having lots of supportive friends and family members that are not her (and share the memories of her abusive behavior), getting married and having three beautiful babies- all my dreams came true- sometimes I still feel sad. My husband has been telling me for years I should see a therapist, but I have been telling him that I did so in my 20's, and it helped to get me to the NC decision and for that I am grateful and all done. What else is there? Nothing is going to make me magically have memories of a happy childhood. But last night, yet another story of abuse sort of popped up in my brain as it was related to a topic my husband and I were talking about. It wasn't any sort of "repressed memory" thing (I think that stuff is not evidence based and often a thing my mother used for attention), but I have selectively just not looked back on a lot of my childhood because of so many sucky times. Now that I am a parent myself of three little kids, I might be suddenly reminded of something that I otherwise thought I was emotionally unaffected by. Maybe it's because now that I am middle age and I have the most memories of my mother at this age, I remember stuff and think, "How could she have said/done those things?" The anger I felt in my 20's that propelled me to travel far away from her is now no more effective than yelling at a rain storm. What is a next step or goal if I go back to therapy?

[Methuen]

Hi Aerials,

I am so happy that you have lots of supportive friends and family members, and congratulations on getting married and having 3 beautiful babies!  That sounds like a busy and happy 7 years!

My husband has been telling me for years I should see a therapist, but I have been telling him that I did so in my 20's, and it helped to get me to the NC decision and for that I am grateful and all done. What else is there? Nothing is going to make me magically have memories of a happy childhood. But last night, yet another story of abuse sort of popped up in my brain as it was related to a topic my husband and I were talking about.

Aerials,  now that you are a mother, it makes sense that memories or stories from your past are more likely to "pop up".  I think that's natural.  

Do you have any reservations about going back to T?  

Maybe it's because now that I am middle age and I have the most memories of my mother at this age, I remember stuff and think, "How could she have said/done those things?" The anger I felt in my 20's that propelled me to travel far away from her is now no more effective than yelling at a rain storm. What is a next step or goal if I go back to therapy?

In my experience (esp. over the last 2 years), I remember being aghast and angry at the things my mother would say to me, or how she would manipulate and twist things, or try to make me feel bad, or be outright abusive to me.  I was so angry, frustrated, outraged, and hopeless...  Then one day I had an epiphany that it was never going to change.  And I had to accept that it was never going to change.  Eventually I figured out her thinking was distorted...a form of mental illness...and instead of trying to show her what was wrong, or make a point, or try to change her, or make rational points to "show her",... I just had to accept the situation wasn't going to change, and change how I reacted to her.  It's helped me a lot.  It's not a magic bullet, because when she goes off the deep end, I still fall a bit too, but I don't fall as far down, or as fast.  I have learned tools to navigate a relationship with my mom, as I am her primary caregiver, and she is a frail and severely damaged needy 85 year old who lives independently and has refused assisted living (pre-pandemic).  So when you ask, "what is the goal if you go back to therapy",  I'm going to throw out a few suggestions, which others can add to, and maybe there will be a "nugget" in someone's suggestions that you can latch onto?  

- radical acceptance?
- resolve the feelings? (which surface with the memories from your childhood as they pop up now that you are a mother). I think this resolution is important for a few reasons, but if you can effectively allow yourself the negative feelings, and work through them, it could result in a greater sense of overall wellbeing (not that you aren't already "well", but presumably some part of the psyche is affected if your H has been suggesting for years that you should see a T ). We benefit from "resolution", but so do our loved ones around us.
- self-improvement?  For me, this meant learning new skills for how to deal with my mom so I could manage my relationship with her in a way that was healthier for me.  I wanted to be happy, and not always in "crisis" because of my mom.  

What else is there? Nothing is going to make me magically have memories of a happy childhood.

no, there is no magic that can change our memories.  But with work, we can learn to manage the feelings from those memories, and thus move forward in our life.

Personally, I no longer have the anger, frustration, anguish, hopelessness that I used to feel (most of the time).  I can still feel profound sadness and regret that I don't have the mother my friends have.  My friends have such healthy warm relationships with their moms. Mine feels superficial. While I still love my mom, it's a kind of detached love, but it's accepting of who she is.  However, I can still look at my life and feel gratitude for the things that I do have (great H, 2 great adult kids, career) and recognize that on balance I'm still fortunate, despite the "burden" and sadness that comes with having a BPD mom.  Today is a good day, and so it's a lot easier to write that.  A month ago at my last T appt, it was a very bad day because of my mom, and I probably wasn't going to post a reply to anything on this board.  But maybe I'm feeling 80% (?) better than I used to 70% (?) of the time? I can't say that was my goal when I started T, but it's still a pretty good outcome (on a good day).  To answer you question, on when does a person feel 100% healthy and happy, I would turn around and ask if that is realistically possible! I'm sure you meant it as a figure of speech, but a lot of us raised by a pwBPD have perfectionist issues, so I would suggest lowering your standards! haha

Just some random thoughts about possible goals for T.

Again, congrats on a marriage to a supportive H, 3 beautiful children, and great friends!  


 

[Sunflower45]

Hi Aerials,

A good therapist may be able to help you figure out what would be most helpful to you now. You might also get some ideas from looking at the “Survivor to Thriver” guide on this site, under resources. See if any of the steps resonate with you. It sounds to me like you are entering a new period of grieving. Grief is not a linear process, and it makes sense that your experiences as a parent yourself would bring difficult feelings and memories to the surface.

I thought I had no need for therapy in my 20s, when I felt I had figured out my bpd mother and wanted to limit my relationship with her. But I went back to therapy in my mid thirties to fix a romantic relationship that really just needed to end. I didn’t think my relationship with my mother was at all relevant, until my therapist helped me see that I had a pattern of dysfunctional relationships that was typical for a child of a bpd parent. That really launched me on my journey to grieve and come to an acceptance about my childhood. And I worked to change habits that were protective in my childhood but counterproductive in my adult life. Ultimately, that work had positive benefits on many dimensions of my life (now happily married). I’m not happy 100% but I’m happier than I’ve been in many earlier periods of my life, for purely internal reasons.

[Notwendy]

I think our emotional growth is continuous. I don't think there's so such thing as 100% or done with our own personal work, but I do think it is possible to be happy and have positive relationships with others, and do the best we can with a BPD parent.

To me,  the different life stages can come with feelings. In my late teens and 20's my task was gaining independence from my parents and once I did that, I didn't think there was more to do. When my kids went through that teenage " get away from me" I feared they would feel the same way about me as I did about my mother at that age. But thankfully we have a different relationship. I have also had to process some things with other relationships.

I think it's "normal" for feelings to happen at different stages and times. I also think there are times we may need to lean on therapy for support and to process them. I don't think this means we always need therapy or that there's something wrong with anyone for wanting therapy. One doesn't need to be unhappy to seek therapy to process feelings. It's part of self care. So take the support when you need it.

[madeline7]

I have good days and bad days, but happy to report I have more good days and much fewer bad days. Life is multifaceted, and although I have not really learned how to truly compartmentalize the BPD and it's effects, I am better at focusing on the facets in my life that are good. And even though I am better at not comparing myself to others that did not grow up with a BPD Mother, everyone has things about their lives that are not what they would like. Life can be messy, and can also be wonderful. As I work through the issues and my uBPDm ages, I am so much better at putting my needs before hers, and am grateful for cultivating healthy relationships with my husband, grown children and friends. My Mom thinks in black and white and I don't. Therefore I will never be 100% healed and happy, but I can be healed in my own way and I can be happy!

[zachira]

I don't think we ever fully recover from having a mother with BPD, though we can get to a place where most of the time we are feeling pretty satisfied with our lives with occasional bad memories. You are NC with your mother which means you are now in a safe place to work on lessening the sad memories which are coming up. I found EMDR therapy to be the most helpful in neutralizing painful memories. It is natural that now you are mother that painful memories do come up, as you compare how you were treated by your mother, and can't ever imagine treating your children like your mother treated you.

[beatricex]

Hi Aerials,
When are we healed and 100% OK?

Well, that's when you look around and compare yourself to all your friends with "normal" mothers, or somewhat imperfect but definetely not mentally ill mothers and you think
"Damn, I'm a badass, I didn't even have a mother, I had to practically raise myself, yet here I am, hanging with all of these dang beaches." 

joke

OK, well we don't ever truly heal.  there's a small hole in our hearts, and it is forever empty.  truth

but hey, look at how your mother shaped who you are today.  I am more empathetic, more compassionate, kinder to myself, and generally not a superficial person.  I have a great sense of humor.  I can laugh at my mistakes.

I guess we're healed when we can see our flaws and not attibute them to our mothers.  Hey, we're just people.  Everyone makes mistakes.
 

b