BPD The significant other

[TIRED222]

Mental illness.  Does not sound like much.  But when one has it or has to live with someone who has it.  I tell you what, it takes all the resilience and patience one has to cope and put one leg in front of the other day after day after day.

There is help in the form of drugs or therapy for the sufferer, but not much in the way of support or acknowledgement for the carer.

I am tired of the constant battles to be me and live my life without the constant, do this, that's not right, drive this way, wake up everyday to his swearing and cursing at the top of his lungs for basically nothing, no sleep because of his constant activities.  And the list goes on.
 
I read heaps of articles on BPD after he was diagnosed in 2014.  Had not heard of it before.  Went to drs and counselors and psychiatrists etc,etc,etc...nothing helped.

One Dr made a big difference in one year.  I thank him for the few years of peace he brought me.  But now it has started again.  Periods maybe as long as 3-4 yrs of malaise...then boom...the chaos starts.  

One minute i am the greatest person going, and in the blink of an eye, the wicked which from hell.  Or beelzbul, the devils wife.   47 years of this merry go round.  I am blamed for everything, from the pimple on his bum to the hair in his nose. Picks on me for the least little thing.  Yet i have to put it down to his illness.  Which i did not know he had.  Just thought it was bad behavior.  Lot of things i let him get away with.  
No point in poking the bear.  Let the sleeping dog lie, and all that.  

Then the down time.  During this time i have to lift and lay him.  Feed him, clothe him and make him shower and keep himself clean.

Do i leave this earth tearing my hair out, questioning if it is me with the mental illness.

In sickness and in health?  Really? Someones sick idea of a joke.

Resilience and patience is what i was taught by my dear parents.  Do no harm.  Why is it so hard for other people to do the same.  Why should i have to take all the bumps and bruises for someone elses bad behavior?

[Cat Familiar]

What keeps you in this relationship?

[TIRED222]

Cat.  Honestly i don't know.  He is sick.  Do i just abandon him?
When he is good he is very, very good.  When he is bad he is a really really bad, out of control. Talks poo. PLEASE READe.

[once removed]

One Dr made a big difference in one year.  I thank him for the few years of peace he brought me.  But now it has started again.  Periods maybe as long as 3-4 yrs of malaise...then boom...the chaos starts. 

what happened? what changed?

[TIRED222]

"RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this grou"
I copied this from the forum page.  I realize that no one but myself can decide whether i stay or leave.  I do not know why i am in this forum space.  The only person that can help me is myself.  Bye now.   

[Cat Familiar]

Let’s take this conversation to the Conflicted about continuing Board and there you can examine your feelings in more detail and decide the direction you would like to take. 

Cat

[livednlearned]

The only person that can help me is myself.

That's so true.

It can help to have people who understand walk with you.

We're here for you if you want to talk things through.

[onlyjan]

OMG — I could have written this post myself.  I am so depressed.  I do NOTHING right according to my husband, who is so full of rage it is incandescent. I buy the wrong cutting boards, I can’t load the dishwasher right, I can’t clean the kitchen correctly, I’m so ridiculous because I bought oregano and we already have some.  And he continually insults my appearance.  I have jowls.  My hair looks orange.  I smell.  My jeans look awful, I have a muffin top and pot belly.  Etc.  (And for the record, I got carded two months ago, I work on tv, and I’m in a size 25 (0) jean).  It really hurts my heart.  I’ve been dealing with this for four years since he snapped.  He WAS my best friend.  Now he’s like a monster almost all the time.  It’s been particularly bad the last 5 weeks and I’m drowning in pain.  I know I don’t deserve his hatred.  I know I don’t deserve his rage.  I worry about what our three children witness.  I worry that if I leave he’ll turn his hate/rage on them.  And then I wonder what is wrong with me that I stay.  I feel so stuck.  Mine won’t get any treatment for anything.  It’s so shocking that he would prefer to stay in this state of constant irritation and rage as opposed to getting any help.

[onlyjan]

I have a question — how long were you together before he was diagnosed in 2014?  My husband had no symptoms (that I was aware of) before he had a psychotic break in January 2017.  His grandfather had BPD, and his sister was suspected of having it (ultimately, however, she was diagnosed with bipolar) so I’m wondering if your husband had it from adolescence (as appears to be the norm, from what I am reading) or if it just popped up in adulthood.  My husband was 44 at the time.

[TIRED222]

We had been together 42 years before 2014.  I knew early on in the marriage of 47 years that he had a problem.  But we were going through heaps and heaps and heaps of other problems not related to the relationship.  So we did not have time to be together much.  Working etc...We were young and young... You have your ways of making each other feel loved and wanted and cared for. No time to dwell on the maybe's.

BPD has been getting worse since late 80's.  Triggers...there were so many.  Outside triggers...now i am the trigger for everything.  Petrol to his flame. A match to his rocket. 

 I have been reading so much the last few days.  On all the websites relating to BPD.  Also reading "Stop walking on egg shells".  Very good book so far.  Reaffirming many of the strategies that i had used over the years.  Some got put in the back burner.
What i found most helpful in BPD central was the 5 steps and the explanations which went along with those steps.  Especially step 5.  I have been struggling with BPD behavior and how i have dwelt with it and how i perceived i should deal with it.  To continue giving the child a lollypop every time he misbehaves is just concreting his bad behavior.  So over the years i have had to be firm in many of the strategies i have employed to try and reduce his bad behavior to a place where it became less intrusive in our lives.  I am getting on now and my energy levels are somewhat depleted. My desire to go to battle has lost it's edge. If you are dealing with someone with BPD i would encourage you to read as much as you can on the subject.  Take courage from the fact that we are not alone, as i have tried to do.  But saying that, there is always plan B.   

My husband often comments that to train something or someone you must be firm and strong in how you deal with them/it.People/animals.
The young man dealing with his BPD wife said he would give into her tantrums and bad behavior.
Till one day he said no more and told her that he did not want to live like this anymore and if she continued he would leave.
She got a shock when he left and she rang him and text him to come back.  It made her realize that he was serious and she adjusted her behavior to keep him. Interesting, that just that one change of his made a difference.
I have also taken this step several times, the most recent of which lasted all of 4.5 days.  I have had to restate my position and i will leave if there is another outburst of yelling and temper and violence.  Maybe if i leave enough times he will get the message.  Worth a try.  Maybe his non-bpd side will last longer each time.  I will let you know. 
There is a gentle giant inside this BPD man.  But i am seeing him less and less as the years go on.  Perhaps ...perhaps...perhaps
(Try The "Least Reinforcing Scenario") copied and pasted from step 5 on BPD central.com...

[Cat Familiar]

The problem with threatening to leave and then returning within a short time is that the person with BPD will learn that *anything they do* is forgivable. That’s not the message you want to send.