BPD Sibling

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I believe my sister suffers from undiagnosed BPD.  She has caused so much pain, hurt, and drama in my family.  She lies compulsively. My parents have always enabled her behavior no matter how embarrassing or destructive the outcome.  I am afraid of her and what she may do or say. I have been to therapy for my sanity and the therapist believes she has BPD.  I am 50 and she is 40 and I am so tired of the roller coaster.  My parents never acknowledge what is going on and run to her rescue and believe her lies. I am struggling with how to cope.

[greenhonda93]

I believe my sister suffers from undiagnosed BPD.  She has caused so much pain, hurt, and drama in my family.  She lies compulsively. My parents have always enabled her behavior no matter how embarrassing or destructive the outcome.  I am afraid of her and what she may do or say. I have been to therapy for my sanity and the therapist believes she has BPD.  I am 50 and she is 40 and I am so tired of the roller coaster.  My parents never acknowledge what is going on and run to her rescue and believe her lies. I am struggling with how to cope.

[PearlsBefore]

 

Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to meet you, sorry you're here...

Like you, I spent decades believing one day parents would realize that their strategy wasn't helping their mentally-ill daughter, her siblings or anyone else - it was just exacerbating the problem. Like you, I eventually just accepted they weren't going to change any more than she was.

Dealing with BPD is often one of those games wherein "the only way to win is to not play", disengaging from the drama entirely and just letting the rumors have their way...at least you're not hearing them anymore. If your sister is high-functioning BPD, do you think it's possible she'll be able to be the child to take care of your parents in their old age as the co-dependency increases as they also need help? It might free you up to focus on your own family or pursuits.

Welcome to the group.

[Chiron7]

I'm dealing with something similar myself - and nearly same age difference - I'm 8 years older and about to turn 40. My sister is also undiagnosed and my parents refuse to admit that she has BPD. She's currently been giving me the silent treatment since June over something completely insanely stupid and my parents refuse to intervene - acting as if it's an issue between sisters. I think part of this is playing out an old childhood pattern of me being the whistleblower of my family and no one believing me so I agree with the above - that maybe the answer is to focus on ones own life and try not to let them pull you down into the muck.

[zachira]

It is frustrating that your parents enable your BPD sister and nobody in your immediate family validates your experiences with your sister. Your therapist sounds like she gets what is going on and is helpful. Many of us who post here have found therapy to be where the unbearable situations with our family members with BPD are validated, often for the first time.

[Drtakjh]

I am new here but just wanted to say that my BPD is a sister too who actually verbally abuses my father. Don’t know which of us has it worse, but I hate it that your parents invalidate you. That must be awful. I have a hard time not letting her bad behavior toward me and my dad make me feel bad about myself. You must be challenged by that every day. Hope you can stay strong and let the storms wash over you and blow themselves out. Best to you and so sorry.

[Mommydoc]

GreenHonda, my therapist is also the person who helped me figure out that my sister is a high functioning BPD. My parents definitely (unintentionally) enabled her behavior, I think out of guilt and obligation.  The rollercoaster is exhausting.

Dealing with BPD is often one of those games wherein "the only way to win is to not play", disengaging from the drama entirely

Therapy and this site have both been a huge comfort to me, and helped me get off the rollercoaster when the drama erupts.  More than anything, I have accepted that I can’t always prevent the drama, but I can change how I respond/ engage with it.  It is challenging to rework life long relationship patterns, but worth it. Welcome and know you are not alone. Here for you!

[beatricex]

hi greenhonda93,

Can you elaborate on " I am afraid of her and what she may do or say."

I found an interesting article about overcoming fear after suffering narcissitic abuse.  I always thought or believed that my anxiety was just something I was born with.  I sprung onto this earth anxious.  .  Never attributed it to my abuse (btw, a sister can be as abusive as a parent).  The anxiety that you feel is real.

I just wanted to acknowledge that.

Also, to tell you that I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
b

[Siblings123]

Welcome here! It’s incredible to talk, feeling alone, and get so many “I understand-been there” responses! You are among so many who truly understand.

I’m in my 50s, we were in our 20s when my sister was diagnosed. I’ve had therapists tell me they believe my brother also has a personality disorder. It’s just the three of us.I also recall going to a therapist in my 20s and after hearing my story asked if my sister was in therapy, and said she needs to be. That was really eye opening. (Was before her diagnosis) She wasn’t at the time and I’m not sure there was much realization then either.   I’ve also been through so much with my sister and on the receiving end of so much. I remember one day, saying, I feel as though I’ve been messed with. It’s our normal for so long, found myself constantly reeling and confused.

My sister has now  been through DBT  and her own recovery and it’s helped in some ways, we can actually have visits. but I’m still so cautious and still get caught of guard and still distance between visits.  I was having one of those days recently, emotions were running high and we were arguing. My Mom began, as she often does, explaining how my sister feels and empathizing with her. Not sure where it came from, but, I was able to say this: you understand her deeply with beautiful compassion for how she feels.
Can you do the same for me? Very emotional. She said “I can’t imagine what it must have been like growing up with your siblings”. A moment of understanding. Didn’t last deeply or too long, but I am so grateful for those words. . I know every situation is different but can only wish that for each of you even if for just a moment.  Don’t get me wrong, in our case, my mom has had her frustrations with my sister snd has also been the hero aiding my sister through so much. We have commiserated. I just don’t think she’s been able to pull back from her connectedness with my sister to see the levels of what happens to others in relationship.

I always say that siblings know siblings. We know what’s going on. Before it happens we know it’s coming. Parents come from a different perspective and don’t know the same. It’s really hard. It’s feeling so alone in it. I felt I was swimming upstream a lot.

I am constantly learning. And it’s so good you’ve gotten support for yourself. That’s so important.

My caring thoughts are with you! Glad you are here!

[Cait]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all this. I am also a sibling of a brother with borderline personality disorder and there is definitely a different dynamic that only fellow siblings can understand. Watching your parents enable behavior (often unknowingly), being on the receiving end of rage and/or the silent treatment, feeling like you have to help your sibling at the expense of yourself, etc. It took me years of therapy to untangle myself from all the destruction and to create boundaries. Thinking of you and know that you are not alone.