Ex gf - was it bpd?

[James8105]

Hi, I came across this board when doing some research on a recent relationship I had to end. It was such an intense experience, and I still find myself quite sad it didn't work out. I was hoping to post here to see if it sounded like my ex-gf had symptoms of bpd, at least it would help me understand why the whole experience was so strange.

Basically, we met and had an uncanny amount of similar interests. We fell quickly in love, and spent alot of time together. Over time I learnt that this girl had some significant health issues (her nickname was bambi as she was so fragile), and had had some bad previous relationships. She'd been engaged and called it off, then had three other relationships of at least a few years. Her previous bad experiences, and her health issues, along with how she said I made her feel, made me feel like a bit of a saviour for her. I think this is what made the relationship so intense.

Cracks started to appear when I needed help--after the first couple of months, the area I lived in was threatened by wildfires, then I lost my job due to Covid19. When both these things were kicking off, I found her surprisingly distant--basically unaffectionate and cold. Due to me losing my job, I was at home alot more, and I felt her distancing herself from me.

She was a long-distance runner, and had been an inpatient due to body-dysmorphia. I think these two things were related, and she didn't have a healthy relationship with exercise.

After a number of months without work, I went for a run with her friends, and she rang me up saying she'd been crying all night because I'm better at running and would steal her friends. My only motivation was to get out of the house as I was sitting around unemployed, and was happy to have a group to get out with during the day. From this occasion on, she became increasingly distant. I never stayed at her place, and never met her dad. It sounded like she had a bad relationship with her dad growing up--he was away alot, and she'd been told by a psych that she had to take more responsibility at home than was normal for a child. Her parents had a bad relationship and split.

 I found her totally unaffectionate (but still very sweet), she said she could no longer have sex, and we had a couple of months of fighting while we tried to figure things out. It was starting to affect my self esteem having to beg someone to hug or kiss me, so I started thinking about breaking up. The kicker was that eventually I got sick of having to plan weekends, she would hang out with people from her work in the mornings and Saturdays/Sundays, but didn't want to see me. Finally she bought an apartment without me even knowing she was going to, so I figured that we were clearly after different things. This totally devastated her, and me.

It's definitely one of the weirdest experiences of my life, but some things sound like bpd...I guess I was after a bit of help to at least see if it sounds like a bpd relationship. Thanks and sorry for the ramble![/size]

[khibomsis]

  James, and welcome to the family! You  sound like you have been through a lot of painful experiences, it is saddening to read. Here you will meet others who have been through similar soulwrenching times.

No worries about rambling, that is what this board is for!

Here's a list of symptoms of BPD:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde
Which of these traits did your girlfriend display?

[James8105]

Hi, thanks for the reply. The thing I found hard is that some of her symptoms seemed quite subtle to me. I'm not sure if it was just my perspective of if there were clear signs something wasn't right.

Reading the symptoms...there was one occasion with me (and one with her ex that she mentioned which sounded similar), which sounded 'frantic efforts to avoid abanonment'. She couldn't get through to me on the phone one night, and went wandering through the mountains alone at night trying to find me, then went again in the morning, and was going to check the hospitals. It just seemed a bit odd/over the top--she could have just come past my place, or tried to get in touch in the morning?

The intense relationship was a definite marker, there's no other way to describe what every aspect of the relationship was like. She did seem to have a history of unstable prior relationships, didn't have old friends, and had a pattern of moving on from jobs/had multiple jobs, and had lived in multiple cities.

Affective instability was definitely there, I think the long distance running & her relationship with exercise seemed to be making up for feeling empty or worthless. The one thing she didn't seem to do was the impulsive behaviour-she didn't do drugs/alcohol/or smoke, or anything that seemed overly impulsive.

[khibomsis]

James, they don't have to have fullblown BPD (5 of the traits). The existence of even a few is enough to cause serious relationship trouble. My expwBPD had 4 of 9  but those four she displays very strongly. It was sufficient to cause havoc.

It helps to deal with it as symptoms, that way one can identify what to do. In your case you are split up. I take it so you are interested in understanding why the relationship ended?

[James8105]

Hi,

Thanks-interesting what you said about a few traits being enough to cause trouble. For me, I guess I'm interested in understanding why the relationship seemed like such a paradox, and if I was jumping at shadows or was right to feel that something was up. I think for any 'normal' relationship that fails, it's easy enough to pinpoint where differences were, and why things worked or not. In this case, the super high highs, and crazy lows, made it feel like a bit of a rollercoaster. Overall I'm hoping to come on here and see if it sounds like a similar experience to what overs have found when in BPD relationships.

[khibomsis]

James, you were absolutely right to feel that something was up. Wandering about the mountains at night is definitely not normal.
I guess you are asking what you could have done differently?

[James8105]

Hi,

I guess the main thing I was trying to figure out if it sounded like BPD, or that something definitely wasn't right, just for a bit of closure. Unfortunately for me, my prior relationship was long-term, and ended unexpectedly due to my partner's mental health issues, so getting into a similar relationship isn't something I can do again. What I noticed with both relationships is how hard it is to tell what's normal or not when you're in it, and how hard it can be to get perspective or leave.

Thanks again

[once removed]

i think that what Khibomsis is trying to say is that you have a lot in common with members here, and that most, if not all of us, can relate to what youve been through. we just, as lay-persons, cant diagnose.

in my own case, things went down in my relationship also that caused a lot of the sexual connection to end. we were also a relationship that kicked off very quickly, and never looked back, and then crash ended after nearly three years.

if it helps, in my own recovery, it took a long time to really get off of that roller coaster. the reasons youre searching for, and trying to pinpoint, tend to be more visible when we are a bit more detached from the pain, the hectic nature of these relationships. in my case, i determined some of it (a lot of it) had to do with bpd traits. some of it had to do with fairly normal relationship issues that come up, that were, under the circumstances, exacerbated.

the long and short of it is that it can be very complicated, trying to break things down.

who broke up with whom? how did it go down?

[James8105]

Hi,

Again thanks, I appreciate what yourself and Khibomsis have said. I still struggle a bit to get perspective--2020, losing my job & wildfires made it a hectic year (as for everyone). If I was to be purely objective, the relationship wasn't good, and my friends + family could see it, nobody supported it. The intensity of the relationship just makes it hard to stay that objective, I guess the experience felt pretty unique.

I did the breaking up, and to be honest it was pretty horrific. I'd been thinking about it for a few months--the distancing I was feeling, along with the lack of affection and intimacy was damaging my own mental health/self esteem.

I'd mentioned prior that I was considering it, we'd been arguing alot, but when I finally did I could see how devastated she was--which made the whole thing so much sadder to me. I guess this is part of why I still think about it--I fell quite guilty in some ways. Another weird part of the whole thing was a month after the breakup, when we hadn't communicated at all, I get a text message indicating she thought we were still together. I couldn't believe it, but it was yet another weird thing...wouldn't somebody just call if they hadn't heard from me?

[khibomsis]

James , I am sorry to hear that 2020 has been so rough!

Well, it sounds like a typical BPD relationship to me. The black/white thinking, the dysregulations, the horrific ending and above all the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Indeed it is easy to get lost in the FOG. We've all been there. As well as the absence of closure. Or to put it a different way, the only closure you're going to get is what you gift yourself.

Mostly on this board we find that detaching begins with searching our own souls, not so much in the "where did I go wrong " sense but in the sense of understanding what we can learn from our roles in the relationship. If this is the second relationship you have had with somebody with a personality disorder, that might be a thing worth pondering...

How much have you read? Would you care to have a look at this? https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf  Let us know what resonates with you!

[SinisterComplex]

Hi,

Again thanks, I appreciate what yourself and Khibomsis have said. I still struggle a bit to get perspective--2020, losing my job & wildfires made it a hectic year (as for everyone). If I was to be purely objective, the relationship wasn't good, and my friends + family could see it, nobody supported it. The intensity of the relationship just makes it hard to stay that objective, I guess the experience felt pretty unique.

I did the breaking up, and to be honest it was pretty horrific. I'd been thinking about it for a few months--the distancing I was feeling, along with the lack of affection and intimacy was damaging my own mental health/self esteem.

I'd mentioned prior that I was considering it, we'd been arguing alot, but when I finally did I could see how devastated she was--which made the whole thing so much sadder to me. I guess this is part of why I still think about it--I fell quite guilty in some ways. Another weird part of the whole thing was a month after the breakup, when we hadn't communicated at all, I get a text message indicating she thought we were still together. I couldn't believe it, but it was yet another weird thing...wouldn't somebody just call if they hadn't heard from me?

James, BPD or not...I hope you learned lessons from this relationship. Most importantly...pay attention more to friends and family. They are seeing something you are not always.

So you are still trudging along through the FOG...it will take time, but my friend you seriously just need to analyze the whole situation and look back at it and realize the signs were there, but you were blinded. Just shrug it off...why? Sh*t happens. Its not your fault. Identify your patterns. Focus more on yourself and only keep people around you who are reciprocal. Be complete on your own and seek those who enhance your life. You can only find happiness in yourself...never in someone else...that is a codependency mindset that keeps you tied to the wrong kinds of partners.

As I say to others...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[James8105]

Hi, thanks again for both the replies, they were really helpful. The fear/obligation/guilt FOG is such a good way of putting it, as I definitely felt like I was in a fog so many times during this relationship. I've read a bit about it, but that 10 beliefs guide was spot on--particularly the first few points about idealisation and this coming along at a time when you're receptive to it. This was definitely the case for me.

SC I think it's a good point about the co-dependency mindset. My prior relationship was 20 years, and I think because it wasn't healthy it was quite co-dependent. I think with the next one, I was keen to try and do everything 'right' this time, which probably exacerbated trap of ending up being a BPD's saviour. Again this was co-dependent, and I think for me I can easily end up in these situations, because I'm used to being a caretaker.[/size]

[cash05458]

James...well, it could be she is...but in the end it does not matter really...a bad relationship with wrong person is just that...categories and diagnosis might help a bit to understand...but via horrible, wrong relationships they really do not matter...you just go on and understand self...it's all we can do...her diagnosis is just that: hers...nothing to do with you...good luck and move on...