Too many rages - partner untreated

[Becks79]

Hi to the Group!

I’m new!  I’m lonely and feeling like I’m unable to cope any more in my relationship of 16 years.  My partner has been assessed 2 years ago and it was outlined he had adult adhd and bpd .  He has chosen to self medicate to cover up his condition and symptoms but has stopped self medicating 5 weeks agos  .
I am finding him extremely difficult to cope with and feel I want to continue to support, I feel trapped rather than wanting to spend time with him these days his humour has gone and he is serious and impatient at everything including me.  .  He is untreated and has been awaiting treatment for 2 years on the nhs (in the uk) even though there has been extreme emotional deregulation , violence and huge rages over the course of our relationship where there has been police intervention at times he has never had any medication or therapy.  .  The last 5 weeks I have seen him return to someone who rages and is extremely reactive and unforgiving in his reactivity.  He has become impatient with me and controlling about cleaning and tidying and everything I don’t do annoys him. He has a pot of money now from his inheritance, although he hasn’t been able to hold a job down in the last number of years.   
He is very annoyed and impatient if the cleaning isn’t done and tells me I’m lazy and I’m not  as good as him and he looks after the house better.  This is another trigger at the moment.
I work full time and also do over time on a Saturday.  He lost his job again in Jan as he raged a lot at work about the things he saw as wrong with the workplace and manager .
He used to be sensitive and funny but has become really difficult again.  I feel I am living a half life.  When he rages or flies off the handle I retreat to my bedroom and just stay there for hours and hours, go to sleep
Then get up for work .  The next days it in a few days he reflects on how he has ‘got things wrong and reacted badly.  I firegive him and listen when he says he will go to therapy.  .  I feel I want to live separately for respite and the hope he may have his treatment, he does still want treatment (although not private) so he’s hell bent on still waiting for the nhs appointment. Things have been severe in the past with things being thrown, verbal abuse and physical abuse which has left me anxious. I’m shattered and feel I can never do right and am always waiting for the next drama or outburst.
I really want my space now he says he won’t move out though as he doesn’t want to give up the relationship..  He wanted to marry me but I nolonger see a future or want to cope with his moods. He is an everchanging man every day.
Does anybody have any tips?

I do have a therapist now (thank his) but all my friends (just the one) have become dick of listening to these difficulties as they truest fo not understand!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so glad you have chosen to reach out.  I think we can help you work through this difficult relationship.

How long have you been seeing your therapist?  How do you feel about that?  What insight have you gained so far?

I'm curious what he does when you go to the bedroom to wait out the rage?  Is there a way you can leave the house and go do something else?

Looking forward to your next post...

Best,

FF

[Becks79]

Hi thank you for your support and replying .
I have been trying to sort through my emotions and how to cope for years on my own.  I have seen a number of counsellors for small bouts at a time but my most recent counsellor I’ve been seeing two weeks now and I’m paying privately for long term counselling .

When I go and spend time in my bedroom after my partners raging he always just stays in the lounge and then sleeps on the settee in the lounge, this has been going on now for a few months as he is very bad. He used to smoke cannabis for most of the week throughout our relationship which was bitter sweet it dampened down his symptoms and made him chilled out and happy go lucky but as soon as he didn’t have a joint his moods were ferocious and unforegiving.  As mentioned he has stopped using 5 weeks ago and it’s an absolute nightmare.   He’ll ignore me sometime s for days then have something of an apiffany when he reflects on his reactions and sees he’s got it all wrong and reacted badly..

Having a therapist makes me feel I have support for me and I can start to consider my needs and what I am now prepared to put up with. I have no one else really I can talk to about this.  My partner has always been all consuming both loving me and then raging against small stuff or silly arguments. 

I unfortunately because of Covid there is no one I can stay with or have a break .  I also have to work from home nearly all week so he’s in the house most rly with me!

[Gemmie]

Wow - I'm so sorry, hon.

I, too, have a BPD (spouse) and I've been with him now like 25 years...it has reached a point where we are basically roommates. I've detached from engaging with him, being around him, just out of self-preservation. The stress of the unpredictable rages have just gotten so bad that almost every activity we try to do, ends up with me feeling "this is not fun" and not wanting to do anything with him.

I'm not dealing with physical abuse - but definitely the raging, throwing things, and a healthy dose of verbal abuse, lashing out at me about things that are simply not real.

I'm at a point now where I feel like I should "tap out," or "throw in the towel" but like so many others, we can't help who we care about. And despite such a dysfunctional environment (for BOTH of us) I'm having a hard time being able to just say, "we both deserve more out of our live and to be as happy as we can." I feel like we're just toxic now towards each other and yet, I worry about him if I do leave.

Anyways - sorry for the short rant - I meant to ask you if this was a recurrent thing? Like, I've heard BPD's do the whole cycle of (1) anger, (2) you get upset (3) they promise to do better/never again (4) honeymoon period where they are angelic and then, before you know it - back to step (1)...   Wash, rinse, repeat.

We have cycled so many times, I'm almost wishing he WOULD actually end it, and not apologize and cry and beg after a few days of calming down again...

Woof...what a complicated situation for us, huh?

Personal counseling for myself is definitely helping, but I still ultimately have to make some sort of decision...(A) Stick it out and stay till the end - sick as it may be for us or (B) Let it go and try to live life the best/happiest I can with what I have left (and hope that he, too, will find someone/something that can be a better support to help him in his life...

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It really helps all of us to know that we're not alone. Even if a lot of folks with BPD never get counseling or they're high-functioning, there are definitely a lot of them, and a lot of us, struggling with loving and trying to love/ease them, too! Thank you - all of you guys! 

[Kistra713]

Your partner sounds a lot like mine. It's so exhausting and frustrating when it's a cycle and they refuse to get treated, or sometimes, even won't acknowledge they have a problem and choose to blame everyone else instead.

My partner too, can be the sweetest man on Earth, and then a split second later, see you as the devil incarnate and the cause of everything that's wrong with his life. He also suffers with extreme emotional dysregulation and grossly overreacts to the smallest of things, that can turn into him flying into a rage involving slamming doors, storming off, yelling, blaming, verbal abuse, and at times, breakup threats. He has not been physically abusive, but he has thrown things and called me some really terrible names. It's all quite scary and I have no idea how to react. Anything I say has a good chance of making his raging worse. He's even threatened to kick me out of the car in the middle of a highway twice, because he thought I was flirting with other men...when I was at a party with him and the people there were 99% men. Who else was I supposed to talk to? I even took care to not stand close to them.

It's true that we can't help who we care about, but at times I feel like there's only so much we can take. I also don't talk to other people about this behavior because they wouldn't understand, and their reaction is "why are you putting up with that...just leave him!"

[Becks79]

I agree it’s very difficult some days .  My partner is thought to have combined adhd + bpd.  This combined ‘hyper focus’ on things he is interested in and hyperactivity then ever changing mood and intensity both positive through to raging  can be draining.
At present he is unemployed (again).  He can be brilliant and extremely perfectionist and good at task driven work, he hasn’t been good at dealing with people though (very bad)  especially those in authority like managers.  His flare ups and opinionated manner have often rubbed them up the wrong way.  In the work place he has sometimes seemed too difficult to manage and been let go or sacked.  In one sense his attitude has completely over shadowed how good he has been at the actual job.
When he’s calm he can be sensitive (at times) , loving and kind but gets completely engulfed by his attention to detail (things that are wrong with the world, small
Stuff etc me how I do things or don’t do things etc! and he’s very reactionary.  I have learnt to ignore these reactions more so now but to others it would be strange and beyond normal (over the top.  ) he does not take well to people pushing him into things or criticising .  He has often lacked the ability to stay calm to stressors and things he perceives to be mismanaged in the workplace and so his career path has always been short lived. Does anyone here find they have always had to be the bread winner or main provider financially because of such issues with their partner loosing jobs ? How have you come to terms with this ?  I am working really hard at present doing overtime etc. 
My partner has so many ideas for businesses/careers and at the moment is writing yet another business plan and is looking at investing in shares as he now has a small
Inheritance pot he’s generous but can have all these schemes and ideas and no direct income.  Should I be bothered at the moment, he’s trying but because of the adhd (currently untreated) his ideas never come to a conclusion  and he doesn’t ultimately settle at anything!

.  He’s hyper focused which in one sense is good as he’s not focusing on the things that irritate him around the house like cleaning etc, but he very serious /overally focused and intense about working through his ideasat times I feel
I could be a ghost .  I know I should be happy as this is a more productive way to go for him.  When he works for an employer he’s a nightmare and gets annoyed at anything and everything he sees as wrong. He’s triggered every day .

He still isn’t treated for either bpd or adhd! I stated the other week I do not wish to marry him as it’s a tiring prospect if he’s not treated at all.  I guess that was unfair of me .  He did throw my engagement ring across the floor however so I have consigned myself to think just dating is a safer option , it’s nit going forward though!

[Gemmie]

Becks and Kistra,

How long have you guys been in your relationships for?

Do either of you have kids? (You didn't mention them, so I'm guessing not, but that can make it a lot more of a struggle! I don't have any - thank goodness - even if only for THIS reason - and I even just worry about my 2 pups when/if we go ahead and just let each other go...I can't imagine having to endure this with children!)

1) Counseling is helping me
2) Reading and education myself more about this is helping me (cousenlor recommended "stop walking on eggshells: taking your life back" by Kreger and Mason (inexpensive) There's also a "workbook," too!
3) Working on self-acceptance, mindfulness, self-care (again, books and workbooks abound!) are also positive activities
4) Journaling my thoughts - and being here helps a lot, too. We certainly can't solve others' dilemmas, but lending a thoughtful ear, typing responses when you feel like you have the energy to share a little of your own!
5) A little "Positive Affirmation" app on my phone (or 3! LOL!) There's a new one called "Insight Timer" I learned about that has guided mediations and stuff.

I just wish there could be some Parting of the clouds, an angelic choir or some "sign" that tells me what to do. I'm at a crossroads. I know that won't happen, though!

I feel like, rationally/intellectually, I KNOW what I should do (for both of us, really), but emotionally/heartedly-thinking makes it hard to just do it.

[Kistra713]

I agree it’s very difficult some days .  My partner is thought to have combined adhd + bpd.  This combined ‘hyper focus’ on things he is interested in and hyperactivity then ever changing mood and intensity both positive through to raging  can be draining.
At present he is unemployed (again).  He can be brilliant and extremely perfectionist and good at task driven work, he hasn’t been good at dealing with people though (very bad)  especially those in authority like managers.  His flare ups and opinionated manner have often rubbed them up the wrong way.  In the work place he has sometimes seemed too difficult to manage and been let go or sacked.  In one sense his attitude has completely over shadowed how good he has been at the actual job.
When he’s calm he can be sensitive (at times) , loving and kind but gets completely engulfed by his attention to detail (things that are wrong with the world, small
Stuff etc me how I do things or don’t do things etc! and he’s very reactionary.  I have learnt to ignore these reactions more so now but to others it would be strange and beyond normal (over the top.  ) he does not take well to people pushing him into things or criticising .  He has often lacked the ability to stay calm to stressors and things he perceives to be mismanaged in the workplace and so his career path has always been short lived. Does anyone here find they have always had to be the bread winner or main provider financially because of such issues with their partner loosing jobs ? How have you come to terms with this ?  I am working really hard at present doing overtime etc. 
My partner has so many ideas for businesses/careers and at the moment is writing yet another business plan and is looking at investing in shares as he now has a small
Inheritance pot he’s generous but can have all these schemes and ideas and no direct income.  Should I be bothered at the moment, he’s trying but because of the adhd (currently untreated) his ideas never come to a conclusion  and he doesn’t ultimately settle at anything!

.  He’s hyper focused which in one sense is good as he’s not focusing on the things that irritate him around the house like cleaning etc, but he very serious /overally focused and intense about working through his ideasat times I feel
I could be a ghost .  I know I should be happy as this is a more productive way to go for him.  When he works for an employer he’s a nightmare and gets annoyed at anything and everything he sees as wrong. He’s triggered every day .

He still isn’t treated for either bpd or adhd! I stated the other week I do not wish to marry him as it’s a tiring prospect if he’s not treated at all.  I guess that was unfair of me .  He did throw my engagement ring across the floor however so I have consigned myself to think just dating is a safer option , it’s nit going forward though!

I feel you 100%. I could have written this about my own partner. He has mentioned that he thought he could have ADHD. He can be hyperfocused too, and as far as I know, he hasn't held down a job since he was diagnosed with a chronic, debilitating illness. He does get a steady income but he isn't great about turning all his paperwork in on time, when it's needed.  

I absolutely agree it's draining. My partner went into one of his rages yesterday because I said something that triggered him, and then he proceeded to nitpick at every little thing I was doing and yelling about how I was doing it wrong, before storming off into the bedroom and slamming the door. My partner also, has a lot of ideas to start a business, and it seems like he wants to do something different every week. One week he wants to start a business, the next he wants to go back to school, the week after that he wants to work for this organization, and the week after work for a different organization. Right now he's running a sports team so that's keeping him busy in the meantime, thankfully.

I also don't know if I can move forward with this man. I live with him now and we're stuck on a lease together, but I highly doubt it's going to lead to marriage. When things are great, I can see myself being with him forever, but don't we all? Just know that if you and I do end up deciding to leave, they still won't see themselves as the problem, but they'll blame us for not understanding them, betraying them, abandoning them just like everybody else did, etc etc. Or in my case, he'll say that I was a liar and a cheater, even though I never cheated on him, stopped talking to my male friends, and lied to him to avoid an episode of his verbal abuse and rage, and have never done it again.

[Kistra713]

Becks and Kistra,

How long have you guys been in your relationships for?

Do either of you have kids? (You didn't mention them, so I'm guessing not, but that can make it a lot more of a struggle! I don't have any - thank goodness - even if only for THIS reason - and I even just worry about my 2 pups when/if we go ahead and just let each other go...I can't imagine having to endure this with children!)

1) Counseling is helping me
2) Reading and education myself more about this is helping me (cousenlor recommended "stop walking on eggshells: taking your life back" by Kreger and Mason (inexpensive) There's also a "workbook," too!
3) Working on self-acceptance, mindfulness, self-care (again, books and workbooks abound!) are also positive activities
4) Journaling my thoughts - and being here helps a lot, too. We certainly can't solve others' dilemmas, but lending a thoughtful ear, typing responses when you feel like you have the energy to share a little of your own!
5) A little "Positive Affirmation" app on my phone (or 3! LOL!) There's a new one called "Insight Timer" I learned about that has guided mediations and stuff.

I just wish there could be some Parting of the clouds, an angelic choir or some "sign" that tells me what to do. I'm at a crossroads. I know that won't happen, though!

I feel like, rationally/intellectually, I KNOW what I should do (for both of us, really), but emotionally/heartedly-thinking makes it hard to just do it.

Thank you for this, will definitely check that book out! And I've been with my boyfriend for a year, no kids thankfully!

[Gemmie]

Well, at least he's able to keep some money coming in!

I have to give you credit and applause for recognizing these things so early on! Sheesh, I let SO much slide for the good first half of our relationship (like 15 years) - the "Loving, Charming Dr. Jekyll" periods made it tolerable or excusable maybe...but as I got older, I began getting more sensitive to the "Verbally abusive, temper-tantrum, Dr. Hyde" aspects of him.

I started noticing how odd, too, it was that he could "FLIP" back and forth within the span of a few hours...and expect me to just FLIP right back to "normal" - like nothing ever happened (that there's not now a broken TV remote, or a fist-sized hole in the plaster, or that he called me something horrible, or said something vile just to hurt me) - and expect me to just plop into his lap and watch a movie together... O_o

That's amazing that you have it so together you're seeing all of this so clearly. I saw it, but chose "not to," ya know?

So, good on you! That says a lot about your sense of self, the care you have for  yourself - and therefore, others,  and understanding what your boundaries are! I wish he could see that, too! 

[Becks79]

Thanks to the support here.  I have a weekly counsellor now so I feel I have an outlet for myself now as well as here.  I felt alone and completely out of sorts some years.  Basically I let my partner’s behaviour engulf me.  I nolonger wish to enable him.  Some days I do feel lonely as the adhd part of him can be oblivious.

I have been together with my partner since 25 he was 40 when I met him.  I was completely unaware of adhd or personality disorders.  I’m 41 now.  Sadly I got used to him partially when he was more chilled when using cannabis as a crutch.  It chilled him out helped him to sleep but the come down was awful and it clearly had an effect of his under lying issues. 

He hasn’t had weed for 9 weeks and although he is trying and doesn’t want to go back his adhd symptoms and personality disorder is showing more.

I work full time, and work mostly upstairs although it’s not all
Bad there are times where he is really excited about his new idea.  He can’t sleep and twitches and itches a lot in bed,  he has always been like this when his brain won’t let him rest.  Has anyone else experienced this with there own partner.

Sorry to be graphic but we rarely have intimacy as he is so hyper focused on projects and ideas he forgets in there.  He used to be the other extreme on weed very keen to be intimate so it was one extreme to the other.

We don’t have any children .  I kind of feel sad about that 16 years have gone by and I was always navigating this whirlwind ?  I’m realistic though it wouldn’t be good for a child unless he
Is treated and there is no guarantee that will ever happen.  Has anyone here decided not to have kids because of this disorder?

[Gemmie]

Aww...no worries about sharing Becks.

We're all so incredibly vulnerable with SO's that have BPD - and we're safely anon enough that it's not like fully putting ourselves in the spotlight!

(And, to put my money where my mouth is, Lord Becks, that sounds like us, bigtime! Haha! Srsly, I can't even count the "years" since we've been "romantic." But, in our case, it's more me than him because I just don't feel safe/comfy enough anymore to want that level of intimacy with him...). I, too, work full time and the only thing we really ever do anymore is just eat dinner and watch tv together. Most of the time we're in separate areas of the house. There isn't really physical contact or anything...)

Yeah, that's yet another reason, why I'm feeling like - sheesh - we are just like really "close" Roommates at best. Why do I want to have a roommate, even if it was one that PAID me, to hang around my environment and does these crazy emotional things? It is seriously dysfunctional.

My hubs is 14 years older than me, too.
And yet, that's also part of why I worry about leaving. (finally and for reals this time. He has always initiated the "break ups" and yet this time, it struck something totally different in me, like "Okay," or even a sense of relief that I wouldn't be the bad guy - I'd be "free.")

He's really at an age now that his being single would be more challenging I think in the long run - despite having BPD, too. I'm like, I've got "one last major life segment" left and do I want to spend it the way I have the last 25 years, knowing that nothing is going to change. If he hasn't changed in 25 years, and now he's that much older, why the heck do I think he's gonna change now?

What's the old saying = the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

Do I want to give up the rest of my singular existence - as this. Or do I take the leap into experiencing new things, new sites, people, myself (!) before my time is up and get a taste of an entirely different way of being, existing?

It's way easier - no doubt - to stick with the familiar. Even if the familiar is toxic as hell and other folks would be outta there in a heartbeat! But, it's what we know.

That's an interesting question you posed, too. If people have intentionally avoided having a child because of this. I have seen posts of people going the other way (sometimes tragically) hoping a child would improve the dynamics...

[Becks79]

Thanks for your reply,  I haven’t been on here for a while as I always seem to be working and working all the hours at the moment.  When I stop work 9x out of 10 I’m walking on egg shells in my down time it’s my partner.
I am lonely . As I previously mentioned my partner has all the distinct symptoms of adhd and Bpd perhaps oppositional defiant disorder.  He has a video medical assessment on the 27th April after 3 years to diagnose with an adhd centre, I am also hoping he will gain treatment for bpd as the mental health service also stated he had this (no formal diagnosis though).. He is very much Jekyll and Hyde and it catches me unawares even after 16 years. He has explosive reactivity sometimes.
 I wish I had somebody to talk to but friends don’t understand, basically I don’t have close friends anyway because I was brought up by a narcissistic mom and so haven’t socialised  with many people.
The way I feel about him these days is more ‘walking on eggshells shells’ more so than love or fun times he’s very serious and needy /manic about his ideas to set up a business that ‘takes over the world’ his words. He hasn’t any employment and has never set up A business of his own he hadn’t kept a job for more than a few months in recent years as he can be triggered and has emotional reactivity towards managers  .  He always has visions of grandeur only to never see anything through, he suddenly becomes bored..  He’s very serious more so now he has stopped the weed use(I know it’s terrible to say that but I had respite from the hyper and manic periods when he was smoking this) , but he can be so manic and hyper focused currently on his 5th business idea that all he wants to do research on the laptop late into the night every night, after every meal , etc ! He has no employment and despite he’s trying and possibly over compensating as he can see me working my guts out (that irritates him). He said to me the other day ‘don’t you feel guilty you leave me to walk round everyday on the park by myself’ , I work 8am - 5pm and there was no thought to ask me about how I possibly feel drained and lacking energy because I’m the one who has worked to pay the bills, there was never any ‘I m sorry you are having to work so hard’ ! It was all him!
He is so changeable though, he can be enthusiastic about his new ideas but is often oblivious to me when he is hyper focused . On the other hand he is very clingy and HATES his own company and says he misses me?   We don’t have sex v often he’s too oblivious and I don’t think he’s really interested anymore because he’s not on pot.l which made his limbo very high that then came with other issues such as porn addiction.  Last night he came to bed at 5am (I had to get up for work at 7am) his new and obsessive idea is to invest in shares and as usual is thinking he can run before he can walk and invest his money and become a millionaire! Nothing ever comes of these ideas despite the amount of time he puts into them planning them? The only difference now is he has been left £50,000 of inheritance to invest in something and so he’s becoming worse.
I’m confused about my relationship, in one sense his hyper focus is a distraction from him  being negative about anything that triggers him around the home .  .  We are on a different  setting though I get up at 7am and am floored by 11pm when he is just getting going.  We eat at 8 sometimes 9pm because he isn’t hungry until then because he’s started getting up 1pm /2pm in the afternoon because he’s researched all night. He shouts and rants to himself about stuff on the  Tv and is easily reactive. Does  anybody else’s partner do this I find this strange and I can hear him when I’m trying to sleep, I’ve tried addressing this but he’s done this all his life and just reacts? He hates politicians or any one in authority and he thinks Covid is all a conspiracy from the government to dictate to us about our freedoms?  I think this is really strange?  He seems annoyed at the world when he’s in a particularly bad mood. Yet there are glimmmers of hope he can be highly reflective on his behaviour and is embarrassed after about the way he has reacted to me buys me flowers etc and wants to go back to normal and forget it.  The huge erruptions happen every month or so where he turns on me.  I always walk out for safety now until he’s calmed down.
I am so tired and exhausted sometimes, when he’s in a good mood I can cope but the slightest thing I do wrong he jumps down my throat and is very critical.  I got a parking ticket and he went mad at me, even though I said I’d pay it no problem.    that it was a mistake, I’d paid on a parking app but I hadn’t registered his new car plate so it looked like we hadn’t paid.  He never approaches things kindly and says ‘don’t worry it’s just a mistake’ very hurtful and condescending.  He can be kind and caring sometimes but initially his response is critical , most of the time to criticise or have a rant.  If I say I’m poorly (I have a health condition) he’s angry at the medical staff or the health consultants and how they are not providing the right treatment (in his mind) and starts ranting away rather than being kind and realising I need some support.  He is too overshadowed by thinking about what he thinks are injustices in life ?  I have got used to not saying how i feel I guess and bottle things up until I have my counselling which is a gift!
Why do I stay when things are so changeable to be treated this way. Why do we? There are glimmers of hope and he did used to be sensitive at times but now he seems really angry at the world again and ‘hard done by’ he takes it out on me if anything is wrong like the parking ticket? Has any one here had experience of their partner before and after bpd treatment medication? Does anyone here’s partner have a dual diagnosis of adhd and bpd? Love to hear your view point!