Hello All
I understand that my husband has BPD, however I am the target of blame for him. I feel sad, hurt and angry when he lashes out at me. I am having trouble separating my emotions from what I know logically. That is he is ill, how do I not take it so personally ?
Hi Poodlelove
I really understand how you feel. I really feel the same way. I've tried for many years to be above my hurt feelings, to not have them, etc.
Coming to the forum I'm learning that my feelings are healthy and more like guides. I'm a newcomer and I'm not very experienced with this but there are wonderful people here who can help and correct me if I'm wrong.
My hurt feelings are natural because it hurts. I used to think I'm supposed to be stronger or more effective at not taking it personally. I think that I took the concept of not taking it personally too far. It's a good principle overall, but my feelings are also guides that I'm letting my wife treat me in a way I'm not happy with.
So now I'm seeing my feelings as guides the result is that I say to my wife my personal intimate truths. This is like getting to know myself better. It's about regaining a sense of self, a sense of what is true for me personally and understanding that I'm allowed to have my own feelings about what I want and don't want, just because that's who I am.
It's always a simple truth like:
I don't want to have a heavy conversation right now. I just want to cuddle.
I don't want to hear negative things about me. I just want to be happy. I'm going to the other room now.
I won't stay in the same room if I'm shouted at our critisized.
I don't want to feel hurt. When you say that to me, I just want to go new on my own
I'm going out for a walk
Etc.
Somehow I learned that I'm supposed to be more of a therapist to my partner than a husband. Even what husband means is different from one person to the next. The only thing that really matters is what does it mean for me? I always thought I should stay and love my wife even if she was abusing me, just because I'm her husband. Now I realise that I don't have to. My sense of self, of what I personally desire, is what determines what i allow to happen to me and what I put limits on happening to me... My feelings, the sadness, anger, fear, are all there for me to be used to guide me... They're like loving messengers teaching me how to keep my interior clean and tidy and peaceful
