Romantic Partner Wants to Air Grievances

[L3bn]

My romantic partner constantly wants to air his grievances. I don't know what his end point is, it seems as if he wants to go over the same things over and over. I don't know how to handle his constant negativity and criticism.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi  L3bn,

would you say youre stuck in circular arguments?

[truthdevotee]

I understand how tiring it is... I'm experiencing the same.

I'm becoming more honest with my pwBPD that I just want to relax, or just want to cuddle, or watch TV, or XYZ... basically being honest that I don't desire to listen at the moment, but we can talk about it at a specified time later in the day or week.

I'm learning that it's OK to express what I want and although my pwBPD may judge me for being uncaring, unloving, not enough, etc., I can learn to be comfortable with myself just as I am.

I've been reading that Caretakers (like me) struggle with sense of self, and that living with BP/NP folks is really all about the battle of who's sense of self prevails. I believed that in order to make my relationship a success with my pwBPD, I had to give up having my own thoughts, feelings and desires. I'm now learning that this is unhealthy and only led me into deep anguish. So now I'm questioning what I believed. Do I have to sit and listen to my wife's endless complaining? My internal values tell me that I want to be there for her, but only up to a certain point. If I feel tired, or I simply want to do something else, I'm learning that it's OK to honor that.

"Hey honey, I see you really want to chat right now. I love you but I'm really enjoying reading this book... shall we chat later when the kids are asleep?"

This usually goes down very poorly, but my job is not to JADE (JUSTIFY, ARGUE, DEFEND, EXPLAIN)... but just gently and firmly repeat that "I just wanna read right now honey. Why not grab a book and come snuggle and read together?"

I have not mastered this by any means but this is the direction I'm experimenting with for now... I think slowly, over time, she'll become more and more used to someone who has a sense of self and his own desires and wants.