Sense of self / being one's own self

[truthdevotee]

Been making progress with just being honest with my W about my wants.

"I don't want to talk about how many times I called my family members"

It's so amazing to realize that I don't need any body's permission to want something. I can want something because it feels honest to me.

I've still been getting pulled into to my W's painful despair. But the more I express my wants - "I don't want to talk about the family dynamics book anymore," "I don't want to talk about your family patterns or mine, I just want to have happy times" - the more I seem to avoid getting pulled in.

All of these wants expressed are small steps forward to getting to know myself, knowing what's me and what's not me, and in a way, slowly, slowly designing my life as I would like it. At least, that's my long-term desire. My W will reply things that try to make me feel selfish for having my own wants (as a way to pull me back to Caretaking/Rescuing), but just knowing that it's OK to have my own wants - not arguing about if they're right or wrong or who's wants should prevail - just being innocently and fearlessly honest about my wants... is soo nice and freeing.

Here's a silly example. My W's father may have NP tendencies. I don't know for sure what he has exactly. But here's the example: he doesn't like me (or my wife's sister's husband) to have a beard. I used to shave off my beard whenever we would see him, even in my own home. Over the years, I said to myself, I'll shave off my beard only when I'm on his turf (i.e. in his house). As I'm learning about what's true for me, what I want, and a pending visit to his house... I'm contemplating what to do in terms of shaving or not shaving if/when I go to his house. Open to any feedback about this. At the same time as not really caring if I shave off my beard (hence, in the past, I would just do it), I also sense it is not honest for me to do so as a way to stop him from feeling uncomfortable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You are realizing how much energy you have spent in trying to manage other people’s emotions. Has it ever worked for you?

[formflier]

You are realizing how much energy you have spent in trying to manage other people’s emotions. Has it ever worked for you?

I was such a slow learner on this point.  It's hard for me to think back to those days.

I'm saying this to tell you to be kind to yourself.  Especially when those days come when you wish you knew more..sooner.  (at least that was my experience)

The big point is..you know now...and can do better in the future.

Enjoy all the extra energy.

Best,

FF

[truthdevotee]

You are realizing how much energy you have spent in trying to manage other people’s emotions. Has it ever worked for you?

Yeah... I'm starting to see that all of my actions have been about appeasing her. I'm realizing what it feels like to know myself - my thoughts, feelings, the actions I want to take (e.g. as simple as buying a coffee even though I've been "taught" not to spend money on enjoying a coffee), fearlessness, etc. It's really quite amazing. I see this pattern was built throughout childhood and attracted my pwBPD into my life. I'm learning at age 34 how to be myself!

[truthdevotee]

I was such a slow learner on this point.  It's hard for me to think back to those days.

I'm saying this to tell you to be kind to yourself.  Especially when those days come when you wish you knew more..sooner.  (at least that was my experience)

The big point is..you know now...and can do better in the future.

Enjoy all the extra energy.

Best,

FF

Thanks for all your support, FF.