First post: my story and how to move forward

[ATiredMan]

Last summer, I started hanging out with a girl I only talked to briefly months before. We bonded over a mutual hobby, and it turns out we were both a bit in the same boat. She had lost her job and I had a lot of changes in my life too. She also told me about her bpd-diagnosis the 2nd or 3th evening we spend together.

We had an obvious connection from the get go, really easy to make conversation and we had a lot of friendly fun. Still it came as a surprise to me when she told me she had feelings for me. But when she told me, I could feel that I had fallen for her too. We kissed and it was … awkward for the both of us. We decided it was better not to pursue this, and to keep out of each others way for a bit.

About a week or so later, she contacted me again and I was happy that she did. We came back together and she told me that she wasn’t wasn’t looking for a relationship. That all her relationships were based on her falling in love head over heels immediately, and that her feelings for me had grown over weeks so that she didn’t really trust them. She decided we should just be friends, and I respected that.

So we continued as friends, but we kept growing closer and closer and soon stuff started happening. There was a physical aspect to it, but that was pretty clearly defined. We also bonded more and more emotionally. And a pattern started to emerge: we grew closer, she pushed away and a few days later we reconnected, had a talk and progress was made.

Our connection was strenuous at times, but it was always there. Then in january we had a weekend where we got very close. She even talked about her (traumatic) childhood and there was so much love and trust in the air you could almost grab it.

But then the next monday things went wrong in her life again and then the testing really started. She was almost taunting me to break the “just friends” rule, being even more jealous then before too. I could never figure out why she was doing it: was it a test to “prove” I can’t be trusted, or did she really want to be more than friends? Anyway, I kept the line at all times. I told her over and over that I love her, but that I know where she had drawn the line and that I respect her boundaries. (The irony is not lost on me).

All this (and other stuff too I’m sure) caused a blow up beginning of February. Things were fine one moment, and an hour later I’m the worst person to have ever lived. She accuses me of playing games with her, of lying, … This wasn’t my first time, and I have learned to evaluate her claims once, and if it’s not about me to just let it go. Now I think I’m not a bad person, and I know for a fact that I’m not playing games with her. For the first time, she blocked me on every possible platform.

A week later she unblocked me, but it took her another 9 days to reach out. We met again and it’s very clear she missed me and that she remembers who I am and what I mean to her. We keep it pretty short but it’s pleasant and just feels .. right I guess. We send a few messages the following days, and a few days later I go over to fix something at her place. I can tell immediately that she’s not doing well again, the place is a mess and she’s sitting there looking miserable. She does however want to show me old photos (again from her youth) and we have a nice time but after an hour she’s sending me signals that she wants to be alone, so I give her a way to get me to leave.

In the evening I send a message that doesn’t need a reply, just so she knows that she can reach out if she wants to. The next day in the evening I send one more, and then she tells me she feels something off and asks me to keep a bit of distance. So as usual I do that and after 5 days I send a message. But this time she responds very angry, telling me not to contact her.  5 minutes later she also sends that things are not good and that she doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t reply.

2 days later out of the blue she messages me to let me know she’s not angry with me. We sent a few messages back and forth, and then she stops replying and that’s the last I heard of her. It’s been 11 days now.

I think what’s going on between us is that she has strong feelings for me, and that she’s scared of that at the same time. I feel like she’s pushing me away to be able to make up her mind. I had time to think too, and I know that I want to take the next step with her. It’s not the easy road I know, but I honestly feel like that’s what I need to do.  I have seen her bpd on display, I’ve been tested over and over and I know that I can deal with it. Over the past months, I’ve become a stronger person than I ever thought possible.

What’s getting to me is the uncertainty now. Not from being pushed away, I can handle that. It’s more that I feel that it’s time for decisions. We tried being just friends, and we’re not able to maintain that.

There are 2 possible outcomes for me: we either take the plunge or we make it clear that we are no longer the friends we used to be. I know what I prefer, but it all hinges I think on whether she can break her relationship pattern and in a way believe herself and her own assessment of me. In short: we need to move forward, or move on.

That’s why I think it’s best if I don’t reach out to her right now and just wait for her to come back. She always came back before, but it’s taking longer now and it’s getting to me. If there was anything extra I could do to make her see that she can trust me, that I won’t be running away, I would do it. But I feel that she has all the information she needs about me.

On the other hand it’s also possible that she sees me not reaching out again as a rejection. But then again, she already knows that I’m right here. I’m a bit worried that she wants to keep me away until her feelings pass, but I’m even more worried that she doesn’t want to make a decision to be able to keep me hanging around indefinitely. And that’s not something I want to be doing.

It’s a wall of text, and it’s only 0.1% of the entire story, but do you think my assessment of the situation makes sense? Am I right to not reach out at this time to let her make up her mind? Or will she probably surprise me again with a reaction I don’t expect?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are difficult.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Many people enter into a relationship with a BPD partner thinking that love will solve the issues. In fact, the more intimacy that happens, the more the issues predominate.

So far, you’ve only experienced a close friendship and already you’ve seen a lot of her problems crop up.

Keep reading other people’s accounts here and that will help you decide if this is the direction you want to take.

[ATiredMan]

Thanks for your reply, Cat Familiar .

Many people enter into a relationship with a BPD partner thinking that love will solve the issues. In fact, the more intimacy that happens, the more the issues predominate.

Oh trust me, I don't believe I can solve any of her underlying issues. When the pushing started, I started to read up on bpd (including articles on this site) to get an understanding of what's going on.

So far, you’ve only experienced a close friendship and already you’ve seen a lot of her problems crop up.

Keep reading other people’s accounts here and that will help you decide if this is the direction you want to take.

Calling it a "friendship" feels like a misnomer, but it's the official term we're using . It is or was more of a "situationship" when I look at what she seems to expect from me at times. When she pushed me out of her life "for good", I really took the time to make up my mind about what I'm getting out of it, and if it's worth pursuing it for me.

And my conclusion is that yes, this is the direction I want to take. If my understanding of her situation right now is correct, at least.

[ATiredMan]

In the end, I have decided not to reach out again. Seems like all I can do for now is let her figure it out and in the meantime move on with my life. I feel like I've done everything I can do, probably more than was healthy for me but it still feels like I'm letting her down.

Her silence tells me everything I need to know really, it's clear she does not need or want me around right now. It's hard to take in a way, it makes me doubt everything we've been through after the past months and I would be lying if I said it felt "right", but it is what is I guess.

[chihoop]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your situations, but feels good to know I am not alone, I have been married for 42 years, I love my wife, but it is very hard to deal with this now. When we first got married, I should have realized when she first git mad and threw a fork at me, that this was not a good thing, but I  hung in , we had two sons, and they would be the focus of her angry uncontrolled rages. I would do something to deflect this on me. There was a time when I sought help, and the counselor told me to leave, "she is broken and this cannot be fixed. No medications, and if she does not dig deep into the therapy DBT and CBT she is broken and unfixable. It does not go away."

I almost left, when the kids were 8 and 6, but thought that I would not get custody and they would be there without me. Now I am in the situation, that my sons are married and decided the anxiety of the situation is not worth it, so I do not see them very often, or my grandchildren. I have tried to get her to get serious about therapy, but the whole concept is her having to take blame for what is happening and that is not something she can handle.

As I found out that her mother was very verbally abusive, and probably BPD herself, and her self-esteem does not exist.

Now I am 67 years old, hoping something would change, we tried all of the other treatments, medication for depression, talk therapy, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and nothing has worked. Therapist I have gone to individually have told me that CBT and DBT can work for someone who wants to get help.

I am now at a point where I do not want to do this anymore, but have this long love for this person and worry about what she might do to herself. Also, I am always thinking of my sons( both seeing therapist) they have been feeling better and do not have to deal with the minor things that can happen with them or their wives and kids that then turn into a major problem for a week or more. So I am alone with this.

I made a mistake, you are a lot younger than me, so my unsolicited advice would be if you love your spouses then have the tough talk that they get to therapy(CBT, DBT) or else and follow through. This is not an easy thing to do, keep in mind, I was unable to get my wife to participate in the therapies and I did not follow through, so I did not follow my own advice.

If I could go back, I would have followed through, you will miss a large portion of you life dealing with this roller coaster ride!

Hang in there! Good Luck!

[ATiredMan]

Hey chihoop,
thank you for your reply, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I can imagine that it's in no way easy.

A key difference I think is that I'm not her spouse, strictly speaking we were never romantically engaged, a point she likes to make whenever I get too close to giving her advice.  Trying to avoid the rollercoaster or at least this rollercoaster in the future is my main reason to take a step back right now. I love her to bits, but if she can not make a decision or some sort of commitment we will be doing this dance forever. She was at one point close to going to therapy but that's a decision she has to make, and I will support her of course.

I'm sure you know the feeling of having done everything mixed with some guilt. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself right now, but I still feel like I'm letting her down and that we're both losing a lot in this situation.

[Cat Familiar]

Even though you hadn’t passed the point of “friendship” something about her triggered a desire in you to pursue relationship despite her difficulties. When things with pwBPD are good, it can be very compelling. Now you’re in a sort of limbo phase, not knowing if she will ever contact you again.

This article might be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[ATiredMan]

Hey Cat Familiar, thank you for your reply. I am in a bit of a limbo, but at least I can see that I have a way to get out of it it too. I'm trying to go on with my life, not just sit around and wait for the telephone to ring. I have my ups and downs of course, but it's clear to me that there is nothing I can do about this situation.

If (probably more a when) she does reach out, we'll see what the situation is at that point. The best thing I can do in the meantime is take care of myself now and try not pay any attention to her "subtle signals". If these past months have thought me anything, it's that life is full of surprises anyway

[ATiredMan]

After a month of no contact, I cracked yesterday and sent her message. I was ready for her to respond poorly, or to just block me on every possible platform again. Instead, her reaction was ... nothing.

I'm really angry with myself: I thought I was being nice to her by reaching out, but I only ended up hurting myself again

[Mr. Kelly]

Any updates?

I’d be interested in hearing if there has been any further contact.

[ATiredMan]

Well, 2 days ago she kinda reached out. After my morning routine I noticed I had 2 missed WA-calls from her, 5 minutes apart, right after the time she knows my alarm clock goes off in the morning.

Naturally, I call her back. She doesn't reply but messages me the calls were by accident and that she can't talk right now. I reply "oh, ok" and think that's it, even though I don't believe for a second those calls were accidental.

Sure enough, an hour later she asks me if I can lend her 10 euros 'till the afternoon when her paycheck comes in. It's a very low amount (she could have easily asked any coworker for it) so I don't have a problem with it. I wire the money and she pays me back an hour or 2 later already.

I don't feel great about her asking for money, but this felt more like a test to make sure I was still around or something. In the evening she texts again, still pretty cold to tell me she wired the money (which had happened 4 hours earlier or so) and to say thanks at least.

I'm not sure what will happen next, I really don't believe she called me by accident. Not in WA, not at that time and especially not 2 times exactly 5 minutes apart. At the very least, I'm glad to report that I didn't ruin my day thinking about it all the time, although I do feel the need to add it to the story on here.

[Mr. Kelly]

There is a relationship coach that I follow online that would call her reaching out to you the indirect/direct approach. It was likely not by accident, as you say.

Did you engage her on any kind of personal way, like asking… “So… How have you been lately?“ That would certainly open the door for dialogue, which is what you would want if you were interested in trying to re-kindle a friendship.

That was your cue, I suspect, to open the door for her. Do you think you will take it?

[ATiredMan]

Hi Mr Kelly, I'm not reading it as cue to open the door, my door was never closed and she knows it. Not 7 days ago I reached out and got no reply from her. There are a few others signals to watch, and they are all still on "red" so me asking how she's doing does not feel like a good idea right now. She started a new job, that's a lot of stress for her and she's probably very tired as well.

I interpret her actions as her making sure the door is still open (it is, she knows), and I trust that she will really reach out when she's ready. Or at least reach out a lot clearer than a (so-called) accidental call at least. It's not that I don't want to reach out myself, quite the contrary, but doing it now would either backfire or get us in the same situation 2 weeks from now. I have been patient for a month, I can be patient for a bit more.