Seeking advice about telling my in-laws about my uBPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all! I am posting here for the first time. I would categorize my mother as undiagnosed BPD (uBPD). My parents have stayed married for 37 years. I am happily married with 2 children and live around 20 minutes away from my parent’s place. We live in the USA. My sister is also happily married with one child and lives on another continent. My uBPD mother has been and is abusive and loving, controlling, and caring. You know how it is!

Six years ago I did online research about specific traits of my mother’s emotionally dysregulated and rage-filled behavior toward us, which exactly matched those of a person with BPD. I sought out a therapist with the goal of trying to “solve” this problem and ended up being diagnosed with mild PTSD myself and undergoing 9-month long intensive Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) including group therapy as well as private sessions. I came away with valuable lessons in mindfulness, wise mind, radical acceptance, emotional regulation, interpersonal behavioral skills, and a host of other skillful ways to live my life. My sister is also undergoing therapy. I’m trying my best to use skillful behavior with my mother and of course, it is a massive work in progress. I fail at some things and succeed at others.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about how I can skillfully try to resolve certain emotions and thoughts around a specific situation that is coming up in the next few months.

====SOME BACKGROUND====
My undiagnosed BPD mother has no close friends and turbulent relationships with her siblings, family, and extended family. When in the throes of her raging episodes, she brings up past grudges over and over again and rants about them for hours. She is charming and pleasant toward new people and then as time passes, every relationship begins to turn sour for her. Paranoia sets in. She starts to complain about people’s behaviors toward her and begins avoiding them.

I have been married for 10 years now. My in-laws live in India and visit us in the US every other year. They come to stay for at least 4-5 months with my family and my husband’s brother’s family (my husband’s brother also lives 20 minutes away from us).
 
===THE SITUATION===
My mother started off with a slightly negative outlook toward my mother-in-law (MIL). As the years passed, she started to get more and more negative about my MIL, similar to how she becomes with most people who she finds faults with. Now my mother views my MIL in a completely negative light. She has complaints about my MIL after every occasional phone call with her. My mother now states with complete confidence that my MIL hates her. She looks at every tiny detail of my MIL’s speech and behavior through a heavily prejudiced lens and claims that MIL treats her very badly. Every word uttered by my MIL is now a point of contention for my mother. This has reflected in my mother’s behavior toward my MIL. She had started to avoid as much interaction with her as possible and until now it was easier since they are both on different continents.

In addition to my mother’s constant complaints about my MIL, she has also started ranting about my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and our common friends claiming that they are jealous about her (my mother) living so close to her daughter (me) and claiming that they judge her every action unfairly in social settings. In this way, she has started to try to avoid meeting them in person as well. This “running away” and hostility by my mother has not gone unnoticed by my MIL (who has complained some times in the past that my mother is too formal toward her, and is not friendly enough). Others too might be noticing this (on one occasion, my sister-in-law asked me first in a text message if my mom would be “comfortable” to join us for an event).

… which brings me to the worrying thoughts occupying my mind at the moment: I am afraid of a fight or quarrel between my MIL and mother in my MIL’s upcoming visit. There’s very intense negativity against my MIL festering for a long time in my mother’s mind and in recent months all I’ve heard from her are accusations of my MIL being cruel toward her, accompanied and solidified by my mother’s past grudges against her. My mother acts guarded and formal around my in-laws and tries to avoid contact with them as much as possible, with my in-laws having no clue about why she is acting that way.

I am wary of tackling the drama if everything blows up during my MIL’s visit this time and if my mother makes a scene in front of my in-laws. (I have unfortunate memories of her making accusations, ranting, and raging in front of her own in-laws during my childhood). My husband and I have very good relations with all of my in-laws. My husband knows all the details regarding my mother’s behavior and has always been a source of loving support for me. He and I think that we should openly communicate with my in-laws about my mother.

===REQUEST FOR HELP===
How should I go about this? I could tell them that she is highly sensitive and emotional, can be formal or guarded, and prone to acting out in extreme anger. I want to convey to them how hard it has always been for my father, sister, and me. I want to let them know that in case they expect me to try to change her behavior, that I cannot do that.

I will be talking behind her back and although it goes against my values to do this, I do not see any way around it, and my other values of being kind to my own self and protecting my own family are taking higher precedence. I must mention that she picks up on changes in any person’s behavior very easily. So if after telling my in-laws about her issues, they might act guarded toward her, she will start to suspect that they know something about her. I can let my in-laws know to continue to behave in a normal way with her but to keep what I have told them in mind in case she rages against them.

In my interactions with my mother, I will show empathy, continue to validate her emotions, and try my best to set up healthy boundaries.

Do any of you out there have suggestions for me regarding speaking to my in-laws about my uBPD mother? I would greatly appreciate any suggestions and I am very grateful to have found this online community where I can express myself.

[DBTer]

Hi all! I am posting here for the first time. I would categorize my mother as undiagnosed BPD (uBPD). My parents have stayed married for 37 years. I am happily married with 2 children and live around 20 minutes away from my parent’s place. We live in the USA. My sister is also happily married with one child and lives on another continent. My uBPD mother has been and is abusive and loving, controlling, and caring. You know how it is!

Six years ago I did online research about specific traits of my mother’s emotionally dysregulated and rage-filled behavior toward us, which exactly matched those of a person with BPD. I sought out a therapist with the goal of trying to “solve” this problem and ended up being diagnosed with mild PTSD myself and undergoing 9-month long intensive Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) including group therapy as well as private sessions. I came away with valuable lessons in mindfulness, wise mind, radical acceptance, emotional regulation, interpersonal behavioral skills, and a host of other skillful ways to live my life. My sister is also undergoing therapy. I’m trying my best to use skillful behavior with my mother and of course, it is a massive work in progress. I fail at some things and succeed at others.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about how I can skillfully try to resolve certain emotions and thoughts around a specific situation that is coming up in the next few months.

====SOME BACKGROUND====
My undiagnosed BPD mother has no close friends and turbulent relationships with her siblings, family, and extended family. When in the throes of her raging episodes, she brings up past grudges over and over again and rants about them for hours. She is charming and pleasant toward new people and then as time passes, every relationship begins to turn sour for her. Paranoia sets in. She starts to complain about people’s behaviors toward her and begins avoiding them.

I have been married for 10 years now. My in-laws live in India and visit us in the US every other year. They come to stay for at least 4-5 months with my family and my husband’s brother’s family (my husband’s brother also lives 20 minutes away from us).
 
===THE SITUATION===
My mother started off with a slightly negative outlook toward my mother-in-law (MIL). As the years passed, she started to get more and more negative about my MIL, similar to how she becomes with most people who she finds faults with. Now my mother views my MIL in a completely negative light. She has complaints about my MIL after every occasional phone call with her. My mother now states with complete confidence that my MIL hates her. She looks at every tiny detail of my MIL’s speech and behavior through a heavily prejudiced lens and claims that MIL treats her very badly. Every word uttered by my MIL is now a point of contention for my mother. This has reflected in my mother’s behavior toward my MIL. She had started to avoid as much interaction with her as possible and until now it was easier since they are both on different continents.

In addition to my mother’s constant complaints about my MIL, she has also started ranting about my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and our common friends claiming that they are jealous about her (my mother) living so close to her daughter (me) and claiming that they judge her every action unfairly in social settings. In this way, she has started to try to avoid meeting them in person as well. This “running away” and hostility by my mother has not gone unnoticed by my MIL (who has complained some times in the past that my mother is too formal toward her, and is not friendly enough). Others too might be noticing this (on one occasion, my sister-in-law asked me first in a text message if my mom would be “comfortable” to join us for an event).

… which brings me to the worrying thoughts occupying my mind at the moment: I am afraid of a fight or quarrel between my MIL and mother in my MIL’s upcoming visit. There’s very intense negativity against my MIL festering for a long time in my mother’s mind and in recent months all I’ve heard from her are accusations of my MIL being cruel toward her, accompanied and solidified by my mother’s past grudges against her. My mother acts guarded and formal around my in-laws and tries to avoid contact with them as much as possible, with my in-laws having no clue about why she is acting that way.

I am wary of tackling the drama if everything blows up during my MIL’s visit this time and if my mother makes a scene in front of my in-laws. (I have unfortunate memories of her making accusations, ranting, and raging in front of her own in-laws during my childhood). My husband and I have very good relations with all of my in-laws. My husband knows all the details regarding my mother’s behavior and has always been a source of loving support for me. He and I think that we should openly communicate with my in-laws about my mother.

===REQUEST FOR HELP===
How should I go about this? I could tell them that she is highly sensitive and emotional, can be formal or guarded, and prone to acting out in extreme anger. I want to convey to them how hard it has always been for my father, sister, and me. I want to let them know that in case they expect me to try to change her behavior, that I cannot do that.

I will be talking behind her back and although it goes against my values to do this, I do not see any way around it, and my other values of being kind to my own self and protecting my own family are taking higher precedence. I must mention that she picks up on changes in any person’s behavior very easily. So if after telling my in-laws about her issues, they might act guarded toward her, she will start to suspect that they know something about her. I can let my in-laws know to continue to behave in a normal way with her but to keep what I have told them in mind in case she rages against them.

In my interactions with my mother, I will show empathy, continue to validate her emotions, and try my best to set up healthy boundaries.

Do any of you out there have suggestions for me regarding speaking to my in-laws about my uBPD mother? I would greatly appreciate any suggestions and I am very grateful to have found this online community where I can express myself.

[Methuen]

Hi DBTer

Welcome, and the in-law / BPD mother situation does sound like a challenging one.

My husband and I grew into understanding my mother's mental illness together, although he was ahead of me on some things (since I was rather enmeshed), but I was able to put perspective to other things for him.  We kind of grew into the crisis with her together, but my in-laws always lived about 2 1/2 days of driving away, so I never encountered the situation of having to navigate 4-5 months together (with my mother and his parents).  

I think you and H knowing your boundaries and holding to those boundaries will be important for your own well being, because your mom probably doesn't have boundaries (mine doesn't).  Knowing about boundaries, and practicing them over 4-5 months will be two different things.

Questions like yours have come up on this board before.  I can't recall what others actually did, or what the outcome of their decision was.  

My thought is to know your in-laws very well before you tell them too much.  Are they both logical, calm, empathetic, and diplomatic in a situation where someone else is attacking and emotional?  The thing I would worry about, is that if one of them has a tendancy to get their "ire" up themselves when being unfairly attacked, could they verbally attack her back with a fact you passed on to them about her?  So while it makes sense to give them a heads up about her, I would keep it simple and not give too much personal information about her.  I personally wouldn't use the term "borderline personality disorder".  If your mom ever found out about that... well we can all imagine the outcome of that.  Simple terms like "mom can get emotional", "mom isn't very logical or reasonable sometimes", "sometimes she embarrasses us but that doesn't reflect our thoughts", "mom can sometimes attack and rage or say things that are inappropriate or incorrect".  But balance this with techniques for how to respond such as "by staying calm", "not taking what she says personally", "not explaining or defending", give examples of how to validate her feelings (which is not the same as agreeing with them).  I would keep it as short and simple as possible.

With your mom - boundaries.  I think its fair to expect your mom to not make negative or disparaging remarks about your in-laws.   I can remember my dad "lawing down the law" once or twice in my life, because it was the only thing she was going to respond to (I was a kid).  Since learning about BPD two years ago (I'm 58 now), I have "laid down the law" with her once.  I think it worked because I have only done it once in my life, but she got the message about that boundary. Be prepared to follow through with a consequence.

As you know, BPD thinking is distorted, and any attempt by your in-laws to defend themselves against whatever she says around them, could escalate in a hurry.  Her thinking can't change because of the nature of the disease.  Any person without knowledge and experience of BPD can't possibly understand that, the way we do.  Trying to be rational with an irrational person is a disaster in my experience.

Since your in-laws are travelling here, is there any chance your mom might be interested in travelling abroad, or to see your sister, while the in-laws are here?  That could give everyone a break...even if it's only a few weeks...  

Covid makes everything so much more challenging.

[DBTer]

Hi Methuen 

Thank you very much for your reply. As you've suggested, I will go through this board to try to find posts similar to this one.

I really appreciate all your suggestions regarding letting my in-laws know. My husband had made suggestions on similar lines when it came to telling his parents about my mother. I'll keep in mind all the points you've mentioned, they're really great examples! Yes, keeping it short and simple seems to be the way to go.

What a coincidence that you mentioned about my mother traveling abroad for some time that overlaps with my in-laws' stay! My father mentioned that he's thinking of the both of them taking such a trip after my in-laws arrive. I really hope that works out!

Regarding boundaries with my mother, yes, in the past I have laid down a boundary regarding her complaints about my MIL, and my mother had blown up over my unwillingness to listen to her rants. But after I took that step, things improved a lot, although occasionally complaints slip through so I have to reinforce the boundary. What you said: "Knowing about boundaries, and practicing them over 4-5 months will be two different things." is spot on!

I wanted to know more about "following through with a consequence when setting boundaries". I'll check other posts related to this topic or create another post for this or please point me to any relevant ones if you know of such posts.

Thanks a lot, once again!

Yes, Covid does add complications to already existing problems but it also did help limit contact for a period of time and that helps!

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, DBTer! Welcome to BPDFamily.

First of all, congratulations on all the work you are already doing. Well done seeking help and sticking with counseling. That's going to be so helpful both for you and your family.

I wanted to know more about "following through with a consequence when setting boundaries".

I think there's a common misconception that boundaries are about training other people to behave differently by using positive or negative reinforcement. The reality is, boundaries are ways for us to take care of ourselves and our values. Honoring our personal boundaries may indeed have consequences that other people experience positively or negatively; however, the point of learning boundaries isn't about controlling another person's behavior but rather mastering our own.

It looks like you already have a good sense of what that means, because you framed your initial post in terms of your values:

I will be talking behind her back and although it goes against my values to do this, I do not see any way around it, and my other values of being kind to my own self and protecting my own family are taking higher precedence.

One of my favorite tools for communicating my boundaries to others is S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth). In the case of your willingness to listen to people complain about your in-laws to you, it might look something like:
"Mom, I love you and I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with me. (Support)
It is such an uncomfortable situation when it feels like other people are judging you unfairly because they are jealous of you.(Empathy)
I want you to feel supported, and I also feel uncomfortable talking about my in-laws this way because I value them, too. I need to ask that we not complain about them together. (Truth)"
The kind of action most people would erroneously call a "consequence" or think of as a negative reinforcement for your mother, but which is actually an action that honors your values and needs, would be that you will end the conversation when people ask you to discuss subjects you are uncomfortable with, or you will hang up when people rage at you. There are ways to do this firmly and gently, e.g., "Ok, mom, I will talk to you again when you are ready to discuss something else," or "I am not for yelling at, I will talk to you tomorrow when things are calmer."

I am afraid of a fight or quarrel between my MIL and mother in my MIL’s upcoming visit...I am wary of tackling the drama if everything blows up during my MIL’s visit this time and if my mother makes a scene in front of my in-laws.

What I hear coming through more than anything here is something I think we're all familiar with on this board: hypervigilance. Your anxiety is founded--there is historical precedent--and at the same time, you appear to be trying to preemptively manage everyone else's feelings in addition to your own. That's a lot of work, and ultimately it's not all within your control. I just want to check in with you on that, in case you're on autopilot and hadn't noticed there are things you can let go of.

Now then, to the point: since you're specifically asking how to approach your in-laws about your mother's behavior, I'll offer a few suggestions for that and ways you can feel better about honoring your boundaries if your mother does have an outburst while they're visiting. As liberating as it can be to spill your guts, in this situation it might make sense to start with what you are feeling and how they might be feeling, keeping it short and sweet. Maybe something in the realm of:
"I am so excited you are coming to visit. I also feel anxious because I'm worried you will feel uncomfortable if my mother behaves strangely around you while you're here. I love you and want you to feel welcome and supported, and I also don't want you to feel offended that my mother isn't more friendly or that she doesn't stay long when she's here. We hope you'll talk with us about it if she does anything that hurts or offends you. If there's anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable, please let us know."
You can answer questions if they ask, but it could be overkill to explain absolutely everything if they haven't asked.

For your mother, maybe find a way to let her know when she's invited to join you that it's also totally ok with everyone if she prefers you come visit her separately or that she can take a break anytime she feels uncomfortable. Five months is a long time, and having a plan for regular times to see her without them might ease some of that strain. In terms of how to handle an outburst, maybe you and your partner can brainstorm some value boundaries with the formula:
"In our house, we ____." so that you can communicate your expectations and feel comfortable asking people who need to behave differently to do so somewhere else.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

[DBTer]

Hi P.F.Change  

Thank you very much for your enlightening views regarding my post. I appreciate all that you've said about boundaries and values. I will go through the link you've posted and read other articles and posts on this site regarding that topic. I'm looking forward to going deep into this topic to make use of it in real life. And that's a great example conversation you've given to implement S.E.T. for the scenario I'd described!

What you've mentioned regarding "hypervigilance" is spot on. Yes, I needed to be reminded of the feeling of unease that was creeping up with my desire to control as much as possible With this, I'll be more mindful of it.

When talking to my in-laws, I agree, keeping it short and giving information about only what is asked would be wise. I do feel a bit nervous about broaching this topic with them and this nervousness is more in anticipation of my own feelings of discomfort and shyness. On the other hand, I'm glad that with the skills I've learned in therapy my own interaction with my in-laws became more open and friendlier as the years passed and now I feel closer to them and realize that they feel the same about me. So it is in a way easier to talk to them about this now than years ago.

Thanks also, for the suggestion regarding making arrangements to occasionally meet up with my mother separately and to have a plan on handling an outburst. Really appreciate all this help!

[P.F.Change]

It's great to hear back from you! I'm glad that was helpful. Very good to hear you have open, friendly communication with your in-laws. It's a normal feeling to be nervous about broaching subjects like this, and so it's probably helpful to already feel they will be supportive.

I hope you'll check back in with us to let us know how things are going =) I hope you enjoy all your time with your partner's family.