Does he really want to break up?

[queenofsuburbia]

My boyfriend who I think has BPD yesterday messaged me saying he was done and we are done and said he can't handle a relationship and does not think he can ever in his life and that I could do better than him and deserve better than him. He said this after reading messages I said when I was extremely upset with him because tomorrow is supposed to be our 1 year anniversary and he apparently works now on Saturdays meaning he will work our anniversary and he is also apparently severely sick right now. When he is sick he gets moody and likes to be alone. He also shuts down and isolates when he is not doing well mentally and since Christmas he hasn't been. He has said things like this like he is done and can't handle anything in his life or me a couple of times since Christmas and right after Christmas he left me in a limbo state with our relationship where I did not know if we were together or not anymore but when I saw him after he stopped that he said he can't promise he would not do that again. Now I do not know if he is again just too overwhelmed and stressed because of being sick and working through it and I pushed him over the edge being upset with him and it is just another limbo state or if he is serious. A lot of what he said he has before but this time he made it seem more like he thought it out and not with anger this time. He also shared a post on Facebook that said "why am I important to you" yesterday and my mom wrote "because my daughter loves you" and his own mom commented on it as well, but this morning he had deleted it. I don't know why he did and I feel it could be because my mom commented that and it fuels my thinking that he could be serious this time. We have both threatened to break up, but he has more recently. He has depression, anxiety and gets angry easily as well just FYI. I know he hates being single and he said he does love me. I feel he could just be overwhelmed and I made him go off and say that with me getting mad at him. I also wonder if it is because tomorrow is supposed to be 1 year and I have heard about people that have BPD are known to push people away as a defense mechanism especially when it can be new to them and someone who cares about them and loves them as much as I do with him. I know in my soul that we are meant to be together and he is my other half. It is killing me I could have lost him now. I hope so bad he is just overwhelmed and if I back off maybe he will not end it. Another thing, he has not changed our nicknames for each other on messenger or deleted me off Facebook or changed himself to single and I know these things are all social media not life, but every man who dumped me would change their status to single and delete me or block me immediately. He hasn't so I wonder if deep down he really does not want to end it. We have so much in common and so comfortable with each other from the beginning and were friends almost a year before dating. He was my best guy friend and I love him unconditionally. He has seen the worst of me and stayed. I do not want anyone but him and when we are newly dating he told me he would not leave me unless I cheated and I haven't. I have angered him one time really bad and he did not leave. I do not understand why now he says he can't handle a relationship or thinks he can never handle one in his life. I think he can and he just mentally does not believe it right now. I don't know. If anyone has any advice or thinks that it is not uncommon for people that have BPD to do this at times please help. I do not want to lose him. I feel like a piece of me is gone right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So this message was a response to you mentioning your one year anniversary and being upset that he was working that day?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi queenofsuburbia:

My boyfriend who I think has BPD yesterday messaged me saying he was done and we are done and said he can't handle a relationship and does not think he can ever in his life and that I could do better than him and deserve better than him. He said this after reading messages I said when I was extremely upset with him because tomorrow is supposed to be our 1 year anniversary and he apparently works now on Saturdays meaning he will work our anniversary and he is also apparently severely sick right now.

When someone wants to leave a relationship, the best thing to do is give them space and time. It's possible that he just needs a break to focus on both his physical and mental health, without expectations and demands from anyone.

It's not a good time to be clingy and pursue him, as it will likely push them away more.  It wasn't a good time to get "extremely upset" and angry about a day you wanted to celebrate.  That type of pressure can chase someone away when they have doubts about the relationship or they aren't into it at the same level that you are.

Give him space and don't stalk him. Take some time to work on yourself.  Instead of getting "extremely angry" about wanting to celebrate the one-year mark of the relationship, how could you have handled it better?

If you go to the large green band at the top of the page and look at the "tools menu", you will find a lesson on "Don't Invalidate".  It's important to NOT invalidate feelings.  This could be a good time for you to gain some communication skills and work on yourself.  Give him a break and some space.  Sometimes, when you give someone the space they need, they might change their mind and eventually come back.

[queenofsuburbia]

So this message was a response to you mentioning your one year anniversary and being upset that he was working that day?

Yes it was. I know I was wrong to get so upset, but I also have my own mental issues with anxiety and depression and was off my meds because I ran out of them and I exploded. I know I was wrong for getting so upset.

[queenofsuburbia]

how could you have handled it better?

I know I should not have gotten so upset with him. I have anxiety and depression and ran out of my meds and was off them and just lost it. I did not mean what I said to him. I have been leaving him alone. I did call and left a voice mail to him today just saying that I am sorry for getting upset and did not mean it and that I love him and happy anniversary anyway. I told him I would lay off him and I will leave him alone and I have no bothered him since. I have not messaged him since Thursday. I am trying to leave him alone like you said. I just don't want him to think he has definitely pushed me away you know? I don't know. I intend to not message or call him anymore and give him the space you mentioned. I just wanted to make that one call today. That was all.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I know I should not have gotten so upset with him. I have anxiety and depression and ran out of my meds and was off them and just lost it. I did not mean what I said to him. I have been leaving him alone. I did call and left a voice mail to him today just saying that I am sorry for getting upset and did not mean it and that I love him and happy anniversary anyway. I told him I would lay off him and I will leave him alone and I have no bothered him since. I have not messaged him since Thursday. I am trying to leave him alone like you said. I just don't want him to think he has definitely pushed me away you know? I don't know. I intend to not message or call him anymore and give him the space you mentioned. I just wanted to make that one call today. That was all.

Take this time to work on yourself and manage your depression and anxiety better.  Why did you let your meds run out? 

Are you trying any nonmed activities to manage your depression & anxiety?  Meds can certainly help, but other things can supplement that.  Various forms of mindfulness can be helpful. You might want to check out the app, "Insight Timer".  There is a lot available for free, various types of meditations and live presentations. 

Journaling can be helpful.  It can help you to explore your thoughts and think things over.  Also, this is a good place to explore various communication strategies in the Workshop area and links from the "Tools" menu.  They are good tools to use with anyone.

Don't beat yourself up or get caught up in "if only" or "I should have", etc. You have apologized.  I'm glad you plan to give him some space.  You can come out of this a much better person.  The only person you can fix and be responsible for is yourself.  You can't fix someone else. 

[queenofsuburbia]

Why did you let your meds run out? 

Are you trying any nonmed activities to manage your depression & anxiety? 

I am honestly just lazy and didn't realize this medication did not have anymore refills. I thought it did and I called to refill it at the pharmacy on their automated thing and when I went to get them, they told me the doctor needed to send to allow more refills so I messaged him and it just took days before I got them. I finally got back on them last night. I listen to calming music a lot of the day when I am home doing school work and in my classes and I listen to music and sing sometimes as well. I have been writing in an online diary to try to get feelings out and I do go to therapy. I talk to her about my boyfriend all the time and the struggles I have with him. I know I can't fix anyone but me, I just don't want to lose him and I am hoping he just needs left alone for a bit and will come around especially since at the beginning of this year he left me in a limbo state with our relationship for a few weeks because he was overwhelmed. I hope it is just him doing that again because he told me he can't promise he won't do it again. I feel it inside like in my gut that I don't think he was serious about us breaking up, just wants time alone. I hope that is the case.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I have been writing in an online diary to try to get feelings out and I do go to therapy. I talk to her about my boyfriend all the time and the struggles I have with him. I know I can't fix anyone but me, I just don't want to lose him and I am hoping he just needs left alone for a bit and will come around especially since at the beginning of this year he left me in a limbo state with our relationship for a few weeks because he was overwhelmed. I hope it is just him doing that again because he told me he can't promise he won't do it again. I feel it inside like in my gut that I don't think he was serious about us breaking up, just wants time alone. I hope that is the case.

Good to hear that you visit a therapist and do journaling. What's your therapist's opinion about your ex?

Sounds like you are young. Sometimes people think they want something, but upon reflection in the future, are glad they dodged a bullet. Someone can be a "10", when it comes to looks and sexual chemistry, but close to zero when it comes, to something like being supportive and nurturing.

When someone shows you who they are, either by telling you or by exhibiting behaviors, believe them.  You may think that some things aren't important right now, but, as years pass, the little problems can become major. Playing the role of a caretaker gets old for most, at some point.  Life has its ups and downs for everyone.  It's tough if you have a partner that isn't able to nurture and support you in a time of need & you have to always be the nurturer. 

Certain behaviors can become a pattern, and BPD traits don't get resolved unless someone wants to work hard to tame them. Your ex seems to be self-aware to some degree, but he has to have the desire to learn how to manage his issues.  If you plan on having children, you need to consider genetics, when it comes down to mental health issues. It's more probable that the genetics will be handed down to children to some degree.

Is he seeing anyone about his mental health issues?  Has he in the past?

Just suggesting some things to think about.  Perhaps you can use this time to meet other people and just enjoy doing some mutually enjoyable activities with others.  You may find that you end up with a different perspective and maybe you won't still want a committed relationship with your ex.

[queenofsuburbia]

What's your therapist's opinion about your ex?

Is he seeing anyone about his mental health issues?  Has he in the past?

My therapist has not really given much of an opinion on him. She just says that he may be scared and not used to someone caring about him and loving him like I do. She tells me to not blow up his phone and give him some space to not overwhelm him. She also says she knows how frustrating it has to be dating him from what I tell her. I am 26 and will be 27 in a few weeks. I have dated many men and I have never felt for anyone what I feel for him. We have so much in common and want the same things in life and have had marriage level comfort with each other from the beginning of dating. We were best friends before we began dating and the connection we have is rare, so I do not want anyone else. I am prepared to deal with this and I am trying to learn how to handle it. He is a great guy, its just his mental issues overwhelm him and he likes to shut down and isolate and push me away which I believe is what he is trying to do. He has left me in a limbo state before and I believe that is what this is and because he has not undone anything with me on Facebook like our relationship status or nicknames, I do not consider him an ex. I consider him my boyfriend who is upset with me and overwhelmed with being sick, working through it and whatever else that is bothering him and he needs a little space from me. I want no one else but him. He has said he has gone to therapy before but he claims it does not help. It is the same thing I hear from men all the time. Men are very hard to get to go to therapy, but I have wanted to suggest couples therapy and if he would do that, maybe he would end up going on his own too. I know deep down he does not want to leave me. We are meant to be together I feel it in my bones. He is my person and I love him unconditionally and will try my best to learn how to deal with this and improve myself and my own mental stuff. I am the stronger one mentally and can handle things better and do more to improve my mental health. I am hoping he will come around after some space.