It’s over, struggling with the guilt and acceptance

[Breakingpoint13]

Basically I’m here looking for help. I have started therapy but I don’t think there’s much experience with BDP, I clearly became co dependant on my bpd ex.

Obviously this year hasn’t been great for anyone but the isolation of that compared to the isolation of a bpd relationship along with a very toxic job, which I have now left has not been washed

I saw a decline in my mental health, to the point I contemplated suicide. My ex got his diagnosis and I thought this would be a turning point, but obviously he didn’t want to put the work in for it. We broke up but had still been in contact, I guess I was still hoping onto the fact that he would change, all I wanted was to at least go to couples therapy but he wouldn’t go. He said he had started his own, but never continued as he said he always felt like he could tell the therapist anything. He has episodes where he would convince himself I had done things that weren’t true, to the point he even sent images of girls of porn sites around that weren’t me accusing me of doing all sorts of awful things. This is when I finally tried to reach out to his family for help, who all blocked me. I then called for a welfare check in which I got lots of abuse and blame for.

Basically through I am struggling to accept everything that I have allowed to happen to me. I’m struggling to accept that I care for someone who doesn’t have enough support or strength in himself to change, and I’m feeling guilty of moving on from that. He has mentioned suicide to me before but something I don’t feel he will ever do.  I feel guilty if I go out and meet anyone new, because I still feel like he has a hold over me. I’m just struggling. I’m doing the whole focus on me thing, but it’s a massive struggle to accept the situation.

Can anyone help?

[khibomsis]

  Breakingpoint, and welcome to the family! Don't worry, you are going through a tough time now, and we've all been there, but it does get better. Do you want to tell us more of your story?

And here's something for you to read, to keep your mind from ruminating  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf Let us know which beliefs you hold the closest?
 

[Breakingpoint13]

Thank you for this.

We have been on and off for months, he was very controlling, reading my phone, emails, had problems with me seeing friends. He was abusive and out this down to alcohol. He then admitted it has been his whole life. He got a proper diagnosis but since he got that he became even more aggressive and no matter what would take accountability for his actions. I told him I couldn’t do this any more as no matter what I did I couldn’t help. But will send emails are blaming me and telling me to go seek help as he feels I have bdp and I am the issue and the reason that the relationship didn’t work. I know the signs and I know this is condition, I just don’t know how to handle it.  He turned up at my house last week for no other reason than to blame me again then told me he didn’t want to hear from me again.
Do they ever take accountability? I even went for a evaluation to see if I did have bpd. I feel like I am allowing myself to believe what’s being projected on me and tbh I’m just exhausted from dealing with all this. I just want it all to go away

[Warriorprincess]

Dear Breakingpoint,

I can relate to much of what you're saying. When I was first coming to realize that my ex had/has BPD, I tried to educate myself as best I could about the illness. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger, and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Strauss, which were both incredibly helpful. Then I read many posts on this site and saw myself and my ex with BPD in so many other stories...I couldn't believe how many experiences, feelings, repercussions, and patterns were the same or nearly the same! I realized that no, many people with BPD will never take accountability for their actions. I read in one of the books that to do so would be devastating to their fragile egos, as they honestly don't realize what they are doing and how much it hurts others. They are stuck in their own pain...

I felt the same way you did/do, that maybe I was the problem! I sought therapy, medication, read self-help and parenting books, learned to cook and clean like she wanted... Then there was the epiphany, which I liken to when Neo finally saw the Matrix. I saw her behaviors for what they were, and I heard my friends on this site telling me, "She is dictating the narrative." She was telling me what I was feeling and what I needed. Who was she to tell me that? This was years of invalidation. After vacillating back and forth, leaving once a year ago and returning, I left last month for good. What do you do to handle the situation? You do what's right for you of course. As for me, once I knew my ex had BPD, I tried to adapt and be the person she needed, but I was unable to endure her emotional and occasionally physical abuse any longer. It was tremendously difficult for me to accept the situation too. I thought if anyone could help her see that she needed to change, it was me. Now I know I could not. I just read this thread today, which helped me very much to know that others feel the same way I do about how hard this is: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=101124.0

Good luck! 
Warriorprincess

[Breakingpoint13]

Thank you so much for this.

I’m sorry that you had to go through it. I think the whole year has been isolating enough that I just became so codependent on trying to help. He got in contact and told me everything I wanted to hear, but it’s what I’ve heard before. And when he gives me ultimatums or even outs any pressure on me to help him, I suddenly feel so much anxiety. Because like I said to him, I can’t do any more, I don’t want to do any more, how can I be strong for him when I’m not even being strong for myself. Then it’s the constant feeling of you knowing that they are the way they are due to the lack of validation and support they’ve had from a child, but like I said to him regardless of the issues only he can change that now. The past can’t be changed but I can’t just be expected to forget all that. His actions quite clearly have caused my family and friends a lot of concern too, in which he couldn’t understand as to why. It’s just been so hard trying to let go. I’m trying to get out and meet others but it just makes me feel worse, and I don’t want to explain the situation to others with fear of being judged.

I hope you keep strong and get through this.!