Don't know how to deal with BPD mother

[wmm]

I saw my family last time for the first time in a long time (due to covid restrictions). My older sister said something, that had nothing to do with my bpd mother, and my mother took it personally. My mother wrote a letter to my sister saying she felt attacked and making up all these things that she thought my sister said. My sister was telling me about that today. My sister then told me that my mom had told her that she wasn't allowed to come to the cottage last year. My mom had lied to me and told me that my sister didn't want to go due to covid. I've found out this year that my mom lies more than I realized she did.

I'll have to talk to my mom this week (she likes to talk on the phone several times a week). I know she'll want to talk badly about my older sister (her stepdaughter). I feel really bad for my sister. I don't want to support my mom's opinion but I know that if I don't agree with her when I talk to her she'll get mad at me. How do I stay out of this without upsetting my mom?

[Notwendy]

It's a dilemma because, if you don't go along with your mother, she probably will get mad at you. Boundaries are a challenge. You are probably used to going along with her to keep the peace, whether or not you agree.

My BPD mother lies frequently too, and it's hard to know if what she tells me is true or not.

I think it would help you to read up about the Karpman triangle. Your mother is in victim perspective with your sister in persecutor position. When she vents to you, you are in rescuer position.

Being afraid of your mother getting mad at you may have considerable reason. You have seen her power to exclude a family member, rally others to her side and lie about them. Not going along with my mother has resulted in these consequences for me.

On the other hand, you don't want to not have any boundaries with her or go against your step sister, so what to do?

This is a hard one as timing is important. You might not be ready for your mother's anger. It might be better to stay neutral and non reactive.

You can listen and not agree. If your mother vents to you about you sister, you can listen and simply validate the feelings, not the facts. "yes mother, I see you are angry at her" " I am sorry you feel this way". This way you are validating her feelings without agreeing with her.

If she tries to enlist you into action against your sister. " I insist you don't ever speak to her" you can reply with a non committal. "I will think about that". If she pushes, continue to repeat. Or get off the phone " Mom, I have to get to a meeting at 3 we can talk about this later" ( or any reason you might have.

Ultimately though, I think the consequences of not agreeing with your mother are that she's angry at you. I am not sure this is avoidable. But I think practicing validating her feelings but not the facts might be a good middle place to start.

[P.F.Change]

I don't want to support my mom's opinion but I know that if I don't agree with her when I talk to her she'll get mad at me. How do I stay out of this without upsetting my mom?

You sound like a compassionate person. You care how your sister feels, how your mother feels, and how you feel. When a parent has BPD, it's often hard to find a good balance and know what to prioritize when everyone needs something different.

What if it's ok to allow your mother to feel upset?

Your feelings deserve care, too, and they're the only ones you truly have control over. Even when we exercise our compassion, sometimes other people won't be happy about our boundaries. It's uncomfortable at first learning how to let other people experience their own discomfort when you've been raised to always mind other people's moods first, and that's okay.

One of my favorite tools for communicating my boundaries is S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, and Truth) Perhaps it will be a handy go-to for you as well. If you would like to think a little more about how to step out of triangulation like this, this article on The Karpman Drama Triangle (which Notwendy mentioned) has some great suggestions on that.

How would it feel to use S.E.T. or another Communication tool to help you honor your boundary that you don't want to hear negativity about your sister?