I need help for my fiance

[Confusedonenow]

Hello all, this is my first time asking for advice and help

My fiance needs help and she doesn't see it. She is diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, depression and anxiety.  It's a rough alot of the time. But the other times it is perfect and I just love her so much. But at she gets so mean and angry on a diam some days.

So she has had mental health issues with BPD anxiety and depression well before I met her and it was manageable. We got together had a son and when he was 1, now 6 years ago she was attacked down the road from our house. Amd again5 months later she was attacked again. And ever since that every year she trys to leave me. Like clockwork. Every year.

She brings up the fact I bought car parts for my car so that maks her mad, brings up I bought guns instead of a ring, that makes her mad. But this is stuff we talked about. And I admit I did do that stuff, but I put a end to it. As I did see how it hurt her and I sold everything to make it right. We even went to therapy and the therapist said it's okay as I work hard and should beable to treat myself every now and then. But she still was mad so I did sell it all. As I want her to be happy

So I have been working hard to support us as she has issues amd I think anyone would with or without her mental health problems so I understand why she can't. But like I said I have been working hard for our family. And she always needs help with our son so my parents will watch him while I'm at work or on the weekend so she can have a break as he has adhd amd can be a handful at times. And my parents live to help her.

Well 6 months ago we came up with a way for me tk be home more and more to help. We decided to start our own buisness. We talked about how hard it would be on her with me working 7 to 3 at my day job then 4 to whenever working on building up the buisness. And it has taken a huge toll on her

I quit my day job and do our home buisness as of last week now. So I have been helping more but she says that I am putting on a show.

She has been in and out of the hospital from stress amd seizures from the stress and ptsd. Has entered psychosis and thought I was the man that attacked her one I had to call the police for her safety.

3 weeks ago she was on the phone with her therapist. Her therapist decided she should try and get validation from the people that are the reason she might be the way she is. Or atlas gave her the idea to confront them. So she did.. she called her father... long story short I get a call from her to rush home and she was scared. So I left work. (I leave work alot because of this) but this time I find her in the bathroom with a razor and cuts all over. Cops came to the house to help calm her down. And asked if she wanted to go to the hospital. She didn't go as its pointless 2 years ago cops tackled her off a bridge as she was about to jump amd she was out of the hospital in like 6 hours..  the mental health care I  Alberta is a joke.

So now she was In a huge fight with her dad.  And we'll I live at the house not him so she starts to bring up the car parts 7 years ago. The guns 5 years ago.just anything to yell at me amd she broke off the wedding saying she's not attracted to me not inove with me amd that I hurt her too much.

We were talking wedding stuff amd looking at houses 3 amd 2 weeks ago.

Now this,  she broke up with me again amd it's bad this time.

I am trying to explain that this is a splitting episode and she claims it's not. She 100% believes I am the mean one I am gaslighting her and invaliding her and that i am Delusional one.

She's always been afraid to leave the house, ever since her attack. Now the last week.shes been going on walks. Trying to go on a date. Yes she tried to go on a date
 I am just broken from that. That kills me.

This isn't her
This is not how she is

I don't k ow what to do, she says she going to stay at the house till the end of the school year before she moves out so our son doesn't have to change schools right  now

I only have 3 months to try and show her. But she said if I bring "us" up she will just leave now

Cutting
Self image issues
Splitting
Risky behavior
Mood swings
Anger
Relationship issues

Thats just the main ones

What can I do
What do I do

I'm so lost.
This is clearly her bpd

I know I don't know any of you here but Please help me figure things out.

I love her so much and I want her to get the help she needs.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

  Confusedonenow, and welcome to the family! I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, it must be hell on earth. Not to worry, we got your back, you are not alone through this.

You are undoubtedly right, it is the stresses and strains she has gone through that triggers these attacks. PwBPD are extremely susceptible to external stresses and CoVID doesn't help.  Try not to take what she says to heart, right now you need yourself to be strong not just for you but for your mentally ill wife and your child.

How much do you know about BPD? Have you had a chance to read up on it? Have a look at this and let us know what rings a bell with you: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Rev]

Hello all, this is my first time asking for advice and help

Hey there confused... I'm going to echo the words "welcome".

There's so much that you seem to be carrying and you I sense that you are feeling the pressure.

So before I add to that and give you more to think about - I'm also going to echo the advice of getting yourself familiarized with BPD.  

Another resource is the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.  You can find an audio version on YouTube. It takes about 8 hours to listen to the whole thing.

In the meantime, hang in there as best you can.

You've found a great place here. Lots of good experience - zero judgement.

Talk soon.

Rev

[Confusedonenow]

Confusedonenow, and welcome to the family! I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, it must be hell on earth. Not to worry, we got your back, you are not alone through this.

You are undoubtedly right, it is the stresses and strains she has gone through that triggers these attacks. PwBPD are extremely susceptible to external stresses and CoVID doesn't help.  Try not to take what she says to heart, right now you need yourself to be strong not just for you but for your mentally ill wife and your child.

How much do you know about BPD? Have you had a chance to read up on it? Have a look at this and let us know what rings a bell with you: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

I know a bunch on BPD as she has talked about it frequently as she knows she has it. She has taught me the signs and our families the signs too.

My mom went for a walk with her mom today and her mother even thinks something is very wrong with her. But she is afraid to confront her aswell. Her sister told her mom that she is surprised I haven't tried to call her yet. And I want to. Problem is.she is due any day now and I don't want to stress her and the baby. So I did send her a message saying I am trying and I love her but its hard.

She is feeding off one of her best friends right  now. Everytime I do something for her she types on her phone then shortly after she yells at me. Like her friend is telling her I am doing it again or something. I have never liked this friend and she knows it. I honestly don't think her friend understands BPD so when my fiance tells her she wants to leave me she honestly believes her and won't hear my side of the story. She flat out refused to read My message explaining what's going on as she will only talk to her and not me.

We were having a good night until I decided to bring her clothes for after her bath. I said I don't want to argue and she just kept trying. I said I was done and she said if I don't she will leave so I had no choice she is manipulating me as I don't want her to leave. It's so hard right now. I. So scared.

[khibomsis]

Dear Confusedonenow, I know it is hard. To be quite honest a woman in her last days of pregnancy is never easy and with BPD added on it must be a nightmare. Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best.
I would say do not expect her to make any sense at the moment, hormones are raging on top of the dysregulations. Well done for trying to talk her down! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, the most important thing is you get practice. Here are some tools you will find very useful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
Are you in therapy for yourself? I would strongly advise it as a way to get support during these tough times. And to help you focus on what is short term issues related to the pregnancy and what are long term things  that will require patience and time.

[Rev]

We were having a good night until I decided to bring her clothes for after her bath. I said I don't want to argue and she just kept trying. I said I was done and she said if I don't she will leave so I had no choice she is manipulating me as I don't want her to leave. It's so hard right now. I. So scared.

Hey there confused,

I so feel for you.  From what you describe here, there's more going on that just BPD...  I don't want to speculate, but someone has already mentioned the pregnancy. 

And also given what you describe here, the heaviness of it all leads you to fear - which is always something that throws our inner compass off. I would really encourage you to get some counselling in the form of coaching on what to do right now. If the mothers-in-law are talking to each other, then that is a really good sign for the whole family unit. That gives you some breathing space. Like get yourself some spiritual oxygen.

Some times, no, actually most times, what a person in extreme distress like you describe here needs from us can seem so counter intuitive.  That's why the coaching/counselling will help you.  The more time we spend in fear, the more bent out of shape we become. The more out of shape we become, the more our well intentioned actions can appear like they coming out of desperation - and to the distressed person that can actually seem threatening.

It is so clear that you are a very giving and loving person. Sit with that and trust that you're good qualities will speak on their own with you needing to do extra.

If I could send you positive vibes - just for you - what would you like them to be?

Rev