Despair

[Beatrice0001]

Hi there. I am on the verge... trying to make up my mind if I am actually not abandoning myself staying with my partner. He has not been diagnosed because he fears therapy although there has been several severe outbreaks when he was seeking for professional help. I was looking for some solutions and I decided to go find a therapist myself. It was one of the best decisions in my life. My decision was influenced by my own reactions when I felt I am loosing control during those difficult interactions with my partner. I felt so helpless I wanted to hit him or do sth that will make him stop doing what he did. I felt I need a stranger an observer who will confirm that it is not me manipulating or mistreating and I really felt I am in closed homely territory and I am the victim of psychical violence. I was trying to stay focused and be fair and communicative but it always ended up with me crying from those terrible words that I have heared. I consider myself an intelligent person and now I see that from the beginning unconsciously I knew his greatest fears, and when I was very angry I told him that he will die alone. It was during the period I was very concerned he will loose all of his friendships because he told me nobody really cares about him...it was spoken in a way that I also felt he thinks I will go away myself and it s easy to find new friends and new partner. Honestly at first, I thought he has a narcissistic disorder cause he showed no empathy towards me. It was all about himself, his needs, his moodswings. He was in 15 years relationship before and we met only about 6 month after his definite breakup. He has a 7 years old daughter from a previous relationship. It was with me that he realized he "damaged" family. He was in a very bad condition but I was there for him, it was very hard to be his partner and hear about his exlife. He was seeing a therapist for some time but he only took care of his grieving. Then there has been periods when he was so lovely and good to me weaved with his "outbreaks". I couldn t understand it. He would say that it was too soon that we have met, that he is unsure if he is willing to engage but every time I or we tried to split up he would come back fighting for me. Also I observed that he is very attentive like a child, sometimes if felt warm and nice becouse he would make me come and be very close with him (honeslty I am worse with showing feelings i am more reserved) and other times I felt I need to go home to himbecause he is there waiting for me. I couldnt relax being out with my friends or family. I felt he is unconsciously calling me back. My therapist of corse cannot diagnose him but she says it is highly possible he has a borderline disorder. I think he meets 6 or 7 " requirements" at least. His family also says things like" we are sitting in the garden in a very good mood and suddenly HE (our son brother) is very very angry or sad and nobody understands why. His mum (although i presume of corse she is partially responsible here) prefers to stay away because she feels under tremendous pressure in his presence- you never know if it s going to be a nice meeting or a horror. The same with our vocation - stm I feel so so happy to be with him and enjoy life. We like the same things and share a lot in common it s so joyfull and lovely.. But he has a tendency to control everything- I am independent woman who travelled a lot before and I also like to be involved in taking decisions - and it s very hard to negotiate this now. So there s iddyla and nightmare... and it goes on. After a very good period last few months I felt sth is in the air. He was moody, he couldn t sleep and he was shouting at me for very unimportant reasons. Of course one day, on a trip in to the mountains which happened to be quite a difficult skituring trip he told me it is all my fault because I misled him to change a route he chose in the first place. It is a very common practise to him to search for a blame outside. It s like it is your fault that I split a coffee becouse you left things in a wrong place...IThe trip was hard and `i was exhuasted but I would never blame him. I was even proud of myself and he made a drama out of it. He told me I am the worst partner to do things in the mountains, he tried to racionalize that it might have been dangerous and so on... but it ended up happily and I couldn t understand again why he is trying to spoil everything. I am really trying to understand he thinks in a different way, I am trying to protect myself and not to take everything as it was adressed towards me but honestly I suffer really. I love him very much and I we have wonderful moments even in pandemia being together all the time but I am tensed and too much concentrated on him. I have to admit that I fear that he will leave me first ... because I think deep down he realizes he is hurting me. I hear he is the one renting the flat, although we share the payment... I do not fear about my self esteem (i have friends and family support) but I fear I will invest in sth that does not have any chance to succeed. I want to evolve and concentarte on my own bussiness not to take care of him all the time. Also he is so very prone to criticism and external praises ---but I don t want to manipulate him. It seems he takes it too much too himself. Every time he hears a nice word from a stranger he is smiling and happy for the next few days. The same goes with criticism- He is always seeking for new goals - he told me he needs it to feel a void. When it seems he has a worse depressive period he is distant, moody and talks about suicide. I think that he loves me but he is hurting me all the time. - this whole situation judging rationally shouldn t be any better - I mean that he has loving friends, me all of my family is also very good and loving too him. His daughter has accepted me and we (me and her) have a very good and close relation. He has issues with his mum but he has a loving brother. (who by the way is depressed and diagnosed an om meds). His mother raised him and his brother on her own because his father abandoned them when he was 11 or so. He is trying very much to be a good father (not as his) - but I think he was also very difficult in a previous immature relationship. His ex is called an ice queen among his friends and I was always very accepted by all of his sorrounding as a very warm and loving person.I am sure I can say he is always on the extreme either he things I am the best partner in the word or that it is me who is trying to make him think that he is the worst devil on earth I also noticed he is very emphatic towards his friends and colleague - he cried very much when we discovered his colleagues sister died in avalanche. It made me believe he is not a 100% narcissist, but theres sth else. I have hope but I fear that maybe I am trying to deceive myself because I love him so much. He told me he is afraid to start therapy. That he cannot allow himself to be in a worse state now. That he knows it is for people and it helps but he is terrified to open his wounds. I wanted to say I am frustrated and very sad and I see I cannot eat during those silent days. I always need to wait until it passes,,, I cannot influence his willingnes to have a mature calm conversation.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are very difficult and the more traits of BPD your partner has, the harder it is. 

You don’t want to lose yourself, and it’s good that you’re aware of that. Even therapists who treat people with BPD (pwBPD) will often seek therapy; that tells you how emotionally challenging it is to interact with someone with this disorder.

As you’ve experienced with your partner, pwBPD are very reluctant to seek therapy, and if they do, many of them will quit before it has been effective. The reason is as your boyfriend has stated—they’re too emotionally distraught to encounter the shame and pain that is buried within.

That said, if they commit to doing DBT therapy, many can see profound improvement in their lives.

One of the most difficult things for partners to accept is that their loved one is who they are: the good, the bad, the ugly. We can learn to minimize some of the damage we experience from their unkind words and find ways to cool down conflict. The bottom line is that they have a personality disorder and are always going to be difficult people, no matter what.

[Beatrice0001]

I think the shame truely is the reason of not taking therapy on. He also recently resigned from italian classes which he was very enthusiastic about at the beginning- I was the reasonable one questioning if we have time to do it ...but once I decide I feel obliged to make sth out of it, even if I was not prepared for the class. And as he didn t have time (which honestly is a matter of priorities) he couldn t stand the shame of being not prepared. He even asked for test which was weird for me and the girl teaching us---- as if he was a child and then he said he will not go any more. It was also a punishment for me as he was paying for us for the class. Currently he is using silent strategy after a quarrel we had. I cannot criticize or ask for help and understanding because always he will say that I am trying to evoke his feelings of guilt and I see him as devil. I know I have difficulty communicating as I- naming my feelings, instead I name his faults and touch his weaknesses but I wish I could be more cool headed I really feel hurt becouse he is closed to any mature interaction and discussion. And as revange he says I will show you how you see me and he is then very very mean and tries to take everything he was giving me (attention, good word, ability to discuss things ...everything) its only sarcasm or nothing for days. I am sure he also suffers because I see him, he pretends.. but he cannot sleep and looks as if he was sick or sth

[Cat Familiar]

It is really difficult to communicate with a pwBPD, especially when they are becoming dysregulated. PwBPD need a huge amount of validation, far more than emotionally healthy people. And it’s difficult to find the resources in ourselves to provide that, especially when the relationship can feel so one sided and we are not being emotionally supported.

Rather than trying to validate our partner, it’s far easier to avoid being invalidating when we are feeling resourceless. And once this becomes a habit, learning to validate is easier.

Here’s a good article:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating