Late night texts

[thankful person]

How do you end the late night text conversations, which just go round and round in circles, nothing ever gets resolved, but you appear the bad person if you ever choose to end the conversation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

can you say more?

are the two of you fighting when this happens?

does your partner have a difficult time "hanging up" so to speak?

[thankful person]

Yes our marriage is in tatters and she is expecting our second child any day now. She feels I should stay awake all night and suffer with her, even though we never get anywhere: I finally left after over five hours of texting where nothing was achieved. I thought this kind of thing would be normal with BPD. In the end I said, “I’m sorry but I need to sleep and I’m putting the phone down now.” She texted this, “Not gonna look at your phone till after you sleep... way to put it in my face... I just carry our child and deal with all the pain and everything on my own. Might as well give birth on my own. Why should you be present for the final bit when you aren’t there through the worst.“ This morning after a couple of hours sleep (we are in different rooms) she texted this, “It’s like you only wanna be there at the end. I’m really suffering and you choose to leave me just to sleep even if we were talking or not. I’m having to go through this and you don’t get how much I am burning” The burning she talks of is some kind of pregnancy pain which keeps her uncomfortable and awake. How can I be supportive without missing out on the whole night’s sleep which is what she wants me to do. As usual she is in my head making me feel like a terrible person for saying I need to sleep.

[once removed]

so, kryptonite for BPD is stress.

and its hard to name anything more stressful than pregnancy. add to that that shes about to give birth, the pains shes going through, etc. no one would be faring well. your loved one, typically, even less so.

in other words, it sounds to me like this is normal pregnancy stress, but on steroids - it involves someone who deals with stress poorly.

there arent really magic words or magic things you can do. its going to be hard on her. its going to be hard on you. and from time to time, shes going to lash out.

i think the key here is really consistency, patience, listening, understanding. thats the case in any relationship with someone with BPD, really.

there will be moments of stress and lashing out. the trick is really how often theyre occurring, how deep they go, and whether or not they deal a legitimate blow to your relationship. the last point is especially important, because once she has the child, the stress doesnt go away, it just changes. maybe it gets worse. you say things are in tatters now.

she wants to be supported. shes also being unreasonable about it. look past that part. you cant make her never be unreasonable, but you can significantly improve the dynamic between the two of you.

set aside some time to talk about it, to ask what you can do to support her. listen. dont state your case or argue (yet); bring it back here, and lets think it over.

what do you think?

[thankful person]

Thank you. Our relationship is ok much of the time, but my wife says it is over. It’s because we never have sex, problem being the baby sleeps with her in her bed, and there is no time for it during the day with a baby to look after and then I’m at work. Interestingly, she is only saying things are over, because of what happened recently. Shortly before I found this community and the walking on eggshells book, I had posted in a different online group (Not a bpd group) about my wife not allowing me to send my mother photos of our baby. I received a huge response to say that I should be sending the photos and many saying that my wife’s behaviour was bordering on abuse. So I gently tried to discuss it with her, this got us nowhere.. so I kindly told her that from now on I will be sending my mother pictures of the baby. My wife’s feeling is, “why should you get to send your mother pictures of the baby, when I’ve never had the sex life I want from you? And why should I hug you, kiss you, or say I love you?” So she is punishing me for this decision. We have good days and bad days but I’m not allowed to touch her at all.

[formflier]

Likely will be much more effective to continue to have a full and complete relationship with your family and not seek your wife's permission to do so.

You will have to do some trial and error about how much to reveal of the relationship with your pwBPD.  They will most likely "see" it has "hiding" whereas most will see it as "privacy".


Switching gears to the late night texting thing.  How do you plan on handling that in the future?

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

Hi FF,
The problem is I have no time on my own to contact my family, especially not to video call with the baby. I am annoyed with my mother, three times she has missed my video calls this week! She has no idea how stressful it is to announce that I’m calling her.
As for the texts, I seem to be involved in it again right now. I am basically being accused of not cancelling work so we can have quality time together. Even though I am working from home atm and we need the money. My wife has always felt she is in competition with my work. But when she is constantly spending and wanting to spend money we don’t have, and she doesn’t work, I have no choice but to take all the work I can. Of course we have been over this situation many many times. Now she had decided she will only be happy if we get a hot tub. And I’ve explained that means we can’t afford anything else except bread and milk for the next ten years. But she just doesn’t get it. I don’t think she would even use it much, especially with the amount of pregnancies she is planning. And can’t go in when pregnant. And of course I then wouldn’t be allowed in either. And on it goes...

[formflier]

If your wife doesn't work..yet spends what you guys don't have..how does she get the money to spend?

Why announce the calls?  Just make them?

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

Hi FF,
We are in the UK, it is extremely easy to get many credit cards/loans and get into £££££s of debt as soon as you turn 18, even if you don’t have a job. She has partially learned her lesson, but will never be one to save up before buying something.
Yes I am working up to making calls without announcing it . I’ve only been standing up for myself since mid Feb but I feel stronger already, even though my relationship is supposedly suffering, I hope it will be good for us long term. I’m saying to myself, “think what things you might do or say, if you weren’t worried about the reaction.. try doing some of those things..”

[formflier]

OK...how does she pay off the credit card? 

At some point her choices require cash that she earns..right?  Or does she have another source?

Best,

FF

[once removed]

I’m saying to myself, “think what things you might do or say, if you weren’t worried about the reaction.. try doing some of those things..”

it is really necessary to steer the relationship in a healthier trajectory.

as you do so, be judicial about it.

there were a lot of things in my relationship that i decided were unfair, and i unilaterally acted to change them. things got worse. sometimes, thats a necessary evil so to speak, in the short term. but sometimes the way we go about steering the ship matters.

on a side note, what, in her words, is the sexual dilemma between the two of you?

[thankful person]

FF, yep it’s me who pays the credit cards bills, but she only asks me for the minimum payments so it can take sometime till I realise what she’s spent. She is in arrangements with many of her creditors to just pay £1 a month, you would think it meant she can’t get more credit but you’d be wrong.
Once, the problem is I don’t have such a great sex drive and she’s always been the one to initiate it and she wants me to be dominant but I just bore her. But I don’t really know what she wants or how to be that.

[once removed]

lots (most) couples are mismatched sexually.

its probably the number one complaint in advice columns. probably the number one things couples seek therapy or counseling over. and it can be a huge source of conflict. it was in my own relationship.

Once, the problem is I don’t have such a great sex drive and she’s always been the one to initiate it and she wants me to be dominant but I just bore her. But I don’t really know what she wants or how to be that.

have you asked? communication is critical around things like this.

[formflier]

FF, yep it’s me who pays the credit cards bills, but she only asks me for the minimum payments so it can take sometime till I realise what she’s spent. She is in arrangements with many of her creditors to just pay £1 a month, you would think it meant she can’t get more credit but you’d be wrong.
Once, the problem is I don’t have such a great sex drive and she’s always been the one to initiate it and she wants me to be dominant but I just bore her. But I don’t really know what she wants or how to be that.

So...help me understand how you are paying bills that you apparently haven't said yes to?

Do you want to only pay minimum payments?

Best,

FF