Ready to risk being seen as a bit of a jerk even...

[cash05458]

Well...not exactly...but let me explain:

For so long I found myself so concerned with her feelings...the other's feelings and so much so that I let myself be abused...being codependent, my trigger was empathy...constant acceptance of the BDP's problems and behaviors...I would take it on like it was personal...and up to me, and only me...to help and fix and be there...that was really, in the end on me...not anyone else...they will take advantage via their illness anywhere they can...
 
No more...

I recently started dating again...and found myself realizing via my own past that it is better to risk being seen as a bit of a "jerk" than to be entirely giving and understanding...I have found this liberating...the real point is finding faith in oneself that one isn't a jerk...I am not at all nor do I behave that way...but I would rather that risk than refinding myself repeating my own patterns via being too empathetic...and yet of course I still am very empathetic and realize I can trust myself again a lil...

Not sure if I am explaining it very well...but I think for us codependents...we have infinite understanding of the other's problems and what they are going thru...which leads us into where we end up...think this comes down to having ones defined limits and realizing that is healthy and ok...and endless empathy is what got me where I was and my troubles...so this has been a good realization.

Jerk is of course the wrong word...but I would rather risk being seen by the other as focused on my own progress than theirs to the point of my own triggers...if this makes sense...

[grumpydonut]

Step 1: stop labelling yourself a co-dependant as that's a form of programming. I can't remember the technical name for it (sad, considering I'm a psychology student at University, haha) but it's fact.

Liberate yourself from the label. Notice the toxic shame that will likely arise when you start looking out for your best interests. Do it anyway!

You had co-dependant tendencies. But you are not a co-dependant. That's not your identity.

[once removed]

you may be confusing empathy with sympathy.

or confusing both with bad boundaries.

empathy is the ability to put yourself in another persons shoes and understand where they are coming from. its an invaluable life skill. in and of itself, it is not a weakness, its an advantage over a significant portion of the worlds population.

sympathy is feeling sorry for someone. its not necessarily the same thing as pity. pity tends to see the other person as one down, or lesser than.

i have empathy for homeless people. i have never been homeless myself. i have been in deep financial dire straits, to the point where i had to ponder what it would have been like. i have been in a situation that has led others to being homeless. i know what its like to receive life saving kindness. it is from that place that i give what i can to the homeless.

i also have sympathy for homeless people. most of us do.

i would argue the real point is having boundaries that reflect your values.

i want to help the homeless. i cant take every homeless person into my home. i cant give more than i can spare. i had a homeless woman ask me, just two days ago, to take her atm card, put it in the atm machine, and she told me she would give me her pin number, to withdraw her money. i declined. im not putting myself in the position of taking a strangers atm card, accessing their bank account, and using their pin number. on top of that, there was literally nothing stopping her from doing it herself, and approaching someone using an atm on foot is pretty suspect.

i get your question, your dilemma. i think your enemy is not understanding another persons struggles. i dont think theres any such thing as too much understanding. i think the dilemma is determining what your values are, and building your boundaries around them.

[Cromwell]

Hi Cash

it sounds like it matters to you what this new girl thinks of you?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cash,

Is it fair to say that these days you are declining to carry another's pain?  If so, it seems a healthy approach to me.  I doubt anyone would interpret this behavior as a sign that you are a "jerk"!

LuckyJim

[cash05458]

Those are all great responses...thanks...yeah, my focus is more taking care of self these days...and I have a bit of faith that I am still a good guy to others...but don't want to go overboard via that...carrying the others pain is a great way to put it...

[SinisterComplex]

Cash...just to provide you some assurance...I don't think you could really be a jerk if you tried. It is not your nature and is out of character for you (you are very empathetic and over analyze yourself...this is not a bad thing). Just be you and do you which you are doing. Looking out for and taking care of yourself is healthy. Again...I am happy to see you doing better and hey because people take it for granted, but it is still nice to hear anyway...I am proud of you taking the steps you have and putting in the work you have. Keep it up!

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[mstnghu]

Cash, I think that if most of us here really were jerks, we wouldn't be stuck in the positions we are in with the BPD people in our lives. I think they prey on our niceness. If I truly had been a jerk in the beginning of my relationship with my wife, she probably wouldn't have seen me as an easy target.

[believer55]

  Good for you!  We need to learn and grow or it was all for nothing...

[cash05458]

thanks all...and Sinister...what a kind thing to say! thank you!