Can someone have quiet BPD, but it doesnt show up til traumatic events happen?

[ConfusedSoul24]

It seemed like my ex was seemingly normal at the time, but after 5 years together a traumatic event happened and she began to show many of the signs of quiet BPD.

Before the traumatic event on occasion she would show some of them, but nothing like compared to that after the traumatic event.

I heard somewhere that trauma and traumatic events can be the catalysts or trigger for quiet BPD individuals to show their true sides or the parts of them they tend to internalize since they are quiet BPD individuals.

Is this true?

Can trauma trigger quiet BPD individuals to finally show signs?

TLDR: small signs of quiet bpd I never really noticed due to rose tinted glasses, trauma occurred, then major signs happening.

[once removed]

can you be more specific?

what problems were you seeing before?

what was the traumatic event?

what problems got worse?

[ConfusedSoul24]

can you be more specific?

what problems were you seeing before?

what was the traumatic event?

what problems got worse?

Before the pregnancy announcement and my panic attack, we didnt have many issues because I simply set aside my opinion and thats not healthy but it led to a great relationship nonetheless considering I never questioned anything lacking.

Before I saw some controlling tendencies that I just sort of fell into (not healthy). We lived together for 3 years, had to hide it from her parents due to fear they will be mad at her. She wanted to do specific things and when those didnt happen she would act like a teenager, "I am hurt because I tried planning fun things for us and you didnt want to participate." She has 0 friends because she finds it hard both connecting and getting to a place of trust with them. For example, she has an expectation that if they want to be friends, THEY will make plans with her. I told her she should and she said if they cared they would. Again, literally 0 friends except her own siblings.

Once I had that panic attack it was traumatic for her to deal with that she said because "if the person your with loves you, they would not react that way", and as well going through with an abortion.

This trauma I feel trigger that trust issue wound because she never trusted me the same way following the panic attack. Even though I explained my panic attack, she said I didnt love her because I had one. She said I didnt believe in us because I had a panic attack. She said many things that she believed based on her coming up with in her mind that was not reality.

[once removed]

it sounds like she has some pretty strong beliefs!

they may be a bit rigid. that can tend to be the case when it comes to bpd traits. while we read that bpd traits tend to involve, to an extent, a lack of identity, it can simultaneously involve a very strong belief system.

she obviously has that around friendships and her ideas of love.

the thing about setting aside your opinion is that you still have your beliefs, whether you act on them or not. and in an interpersonal relationship, especially the closer it gets, belief systems will clash.

an abortion, a miscarriage, a pregnancy gone wrong, hear me when i say this: these are really, really traumatic events for a relationship. lots of relationships do not survive them. this board is full of similar stories.

on your end, it was startling, life changing news. it was something you had to process. to deal with, to prepare for.

on her end, that meant that you were hesitant in your support for her. when you have bpd traits, there is an inherent lack of trust. there is an inherent need for unconditional, dare i say unrealistic support.

likewise, there are lots of couples whom have had this happen to them, where one party did not provide the initial response the other was seeking (it happens), and they, eventually, get on the same page.

on one hand, i would say youre right. there were greater forces at play than your response that preexisted you. on the other, i suspect the problems went deeper. in other words, this wasnt what broke you up, exactly. it was an enormously significant part of your relationship that unwittingly pitted the two of you against each other, and ultimately couldnt be resolved, but also may have been a bigger part of the picture when it came to the relationship dynamic.

what do you think?