Argh

[Pause]

In the past 4 months, my partner has taken to analyzing and labeling my behavior for me. Today, I was ‘bitching about work.’ I had said a coworker was leaving to take care of a relative. And I was ‘being defensive’ because I asked where a statement I did not make came from. When I said I didn’t know why it felt like we were arguing the response was, ‘I don’t know but you...(about 10 things I was doing wrong) and I’m frustrated.’ I was told I was angry, and conflating being confused with being triggered. I didn’t say anything. That resulted in lots of just audible cursing and negative statement. I said I was going for a walk and would be back in half an hour. I’m confused that what I though was just a normal conversation suddenly was a lot of criticism of me, people in my profession, and the world at large. Many claims about how skilled my partner is at handling my particular complaint were made and how my coworkers and I should be doing things that way. (I didn’t make a complaint.) I’m having a hard time seeing the hurt child past the criticism and accusations today, folks. Any advice? I don’t want to be treated this way.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds as if your partner is projecting their own emotions upon you. Knowing that doesn’t make it easier to endure.

Sometimes the best response is as you did, to not say anything at all, otherwise it’s easy to begin JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining) and that just ups the temperature.

Ideally it would be nice to be able to validate the emotion behind the analysis and labeling. What do you suppose underlies this pattern?

[Pause]

I wish I knew! This has happened when my partner has reported feeling fear. Sometimes I recognize fear based on my partner’s history that I know. If fear is the underlying emotion every time this happens, I’m definitely having trouble seeing it because I have no idea what might be the cause. Most times nothing I think might be scary has happened. Our couples therapist has repeatedly recommended identifying the cause, but my partner is very resistant and wants to keep using the strategy of recognizing activated behavior and changing course. This prevents escalation but really feels like a bandaid to me. I want to identify the cause and address that so maybe we can get out of this cycle. I know I can’t force things, but this really sucks! I feel like we’re using only an ice pack to treat a compound fracture.

[Cat Familiar]

Something to consider is that what may strike you as a reasonable response for feeling fear may be quite different for your partner. It’s as if people with BPD are burn patients and the slightest touch can elicit extreme pain.

[once removed]

some (most?) people are just  at being supportive.

people mean well. but they have a tendency to say the wrong thing, or give unsolicited advice, or to get frustrated if you dont listen to their advice.

i was venting to someone about work just the other day when they turned it around on me and accused me of doing the thing i was annoyed about. its not that i disagreed, but it, especially at the time, was rather unhelpful. if you want to point something out to me that youd like me to change, do it when im not pissed off and venting, ya know?

and i, personally, can get easily riled up when i feel invalidated. i find its best to do a few things

1. be realistic about the kind of support you are trying to get from a given person. some people just arent good at certain things, certain topics, certain situations. if you expect them to be, youre just going to get angry.

2. state what kind of support youre looking for upfront if need be. if im looking for perspective and feedback, critique, i tend to say so. if im looking to vent and just want the person to listen and/or validate me, i say so.

3. if the support someone is offering is unhelpful, its okay to say so, and try to redirect; it can be risky with a bpd loved one who is sensitive to criticism. it can feel like rejection and then youre fighting two battles trying to make them feel better. you need to use language thats assertive and firm but gentle and constructive, too.

frankly speaking, if that doesnt work, politely change the subject, and use the support system(s) you know will.