Common ground

[Betterlife2021]

My daughter sent this to me today I just thought it was something all of us could relate to. Author is unknown to me.

Listen- if you are in love with someone who cannot love you back at the moment, please, understand that this is not a reflection of your goodness, this is not a reflection of your worth. Sometimes life weathers people in different ways. We are all on this Earth just trying to figure ourselves out, just trying to mend the breaks in our souls, just trying to deal with what is heavy within us. Sometimes, we’re ready and the other person is not. Sometimes, we try, and the other person does not. Sometimes, we pour ourselves into into another human being and they cannot contain all that we are. Sometimes, we fight, and the other person surrenders. Sometimes, we choose to make things work, and the other person decides that they cannot choose that same reality. And that is okay. I need you to understand that that is okay.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MD0212]

I loved this.  It is so true.  Thank you for posting it!

[Betterlife2021]

You are welcome hope it can help someone. It felt like my truth and something I am still working on accepting.

[Mr. Kelly]

Thank you for posting…

I wish it helped. I think I may have recently been discarded, and knowing that it’s not really about me, or my fault, doesn’t make my feeling of complete abandonment and abuse any less.

[Cat Familiar]

So many of us enter into these relationships with BPD partners due to having a family history of a parent or sibling with a personality disorder and or having the tendency to be codependent or a caretaker.

What we need to learn to heal ourselves is that our self worth is not dependent upon the response from others, but in how we feel about ourselves.

The Lakota say, “Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”

[Betterlife2021]

Mr Kelly just know you are not alone. And her feelings are not a reflection of who you are.

[Betterlife2021]

Cat familiar. Thanks, I have been seeing a therapist for quite a while now. Have learned a lot about myself.  I’m a caretaker just like my mom. She is also codependent. My father is a narcissist. When I as about 10 my older brother was in a accident,coma,two blood clots in his frontal lobe. So his behavior’s are very similar to bpd. I have came to realize that is why I have stayed so long. It seemed pretty normal for quite a long time. And the fear of what will happen to  pwbpd/ bipolar. And I spent many years attempting to prove my worth to him.

That’s when I took a good look at myself. I had been running my own business and working a full time job. Try to raise a teen daughter. Then looked at what he was doing. Unemployed for 10 years sitting home watching porn all day. And telling me I wasn’t doing enough. This grew very old.Told him he had to start therapy, or I was done. That was two years ago.He was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar right away. I knew this was going to happen. I told the therapist there was definitely more just wasn’t sure what. About 8 months later BPD was added. First book I read was Stop walking on eggshells. I thought how is my life in this book.  Since then he has came long way. But he is still trying push down my boundaries. At times I feel he has accepted his diagnoses and other times he sure it’s really me that causes all his misery. That is where we are now. He says he’s leaving but we have been here so many times. I don’t know what he’s really doing. If he leaves I know I will have a much easier life. My fear for what will happen to him is what has keep me here. I know I have to let go of that but it is so hard.  I have been caretaking him for 21 years. Accepting that I have done all I can is also hard.

[Cat Familiar]

Letting loved ones sink or swim is a necessary developmental stage for children, provided they’ve been taught to swim.

With adults it’s a bit harder. Do they have the resources to take care of themselves if we aren’t doing that for them?

You can see how it’s a double edged sword. They like being taken care of, yet they resent feeling incapable.

[Betterlife2021]

Cat Familiar

 Very good question, he is now swimming with little arm floats.Two years of therapy has helped a lot he is now working. Wants to quit he doesn’t like it.  I don’t believe he could hold another job at this point. His boss is a very good friend that understands his situation. Still learning to swim.

Having a job is one of the boundaries. He has to help financially. Because of the bipolar when in depression part of cycle  his bpd behaviors can go on for weeks at a time. Silent treatment devaluation  dirty looks. This has been going on since the third week of January with maybe about 5 days he was willing to talk to me. I feel that when this was not getting him what he wanted me kissing his butt.  He pushed down he last boundary taking  his love away from the dogs. Giving them silent treatment/ dirty looks. Not happening... That’s when things got ugly. He started packing 3 nights ago. But has not packed anything in two days.  Is trying  to take out a loan for a truck and motorcycle. And still wants to quit the job. I’m not willing to pay off any more debt for him.