Hardest thing in my life

[Wanderer427]

Hi good people.
I broke up with my soulmate 3 months ago. Was together for under 1 year.
I probably have codependency, or being a "super empath" I dont't know..
Question is..BPD or NPD?
She was the kindest angel I have ever met.
Smart, funny, sad, intimate, hot, and a storm like nothing I have ever seen. So damn into me. She loved everything about me. My every side of life.

Everything went extremely fast regarding housing and me becoming a stepdad to her children.
She mirrored me, and told me exactly what I wanted to hear, so she became my soulmate.
I tried to please her, and comfort her ofcourse. (Codependency)

This was really a catch for us both, as BPD and Codependent relationship CAN work great.
But we never talked about the elephant in the room.

We just went along and had a great time. But, after a while we had some arguments, and I felt not heard by her. My statements or feelings was not taken care of so much. Just her statements mattered...And I just went along with that to not start anymore arguments..
But...I started to listen to my gut feeling. Something was off here.. I was told by friends and family that i looked so very tired. Was recommended to step back.
I felt tired also, but somehow I didnt actually care? After a while, I started to feel some kind of fog in the head, and that was the point of no return. I broke up with her.

And now, 3 months later I feel this deep mental connection with her. I miss her so much!
What we had was awesome. No cheating, no evil PLEASE READ. Just pure bliss and happiness. The perfect relationship. We had it all.
And now...she has ofcourse moved on now and are having sex with others. She told me this.
She say she do this to cope with the brake-up, and just moves these feelings into her bottomless dark pit.  
STILL I can't get her out of my head. I have tried to go no contact but broke it. I
 just cant stop thinking about her. She say she love me so much, and I love her, and her sex with others is just to escape the feelings she had for me. What we had together...

What is this? Is it real?  I cry everyday, and I am such a mess. This is truly painful.
I have a great job to go to thank god.
But no one to talk to about this. No one understands.
I need help to sort this out, and what to do now. Where do I start?

[Tobiasfunke]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are in the right place. I would not have been able to get through it without the help of the members of these boards. It took me many months to move forward. You are very strong to break it off as early as you did. Good luck happier days are coming soon.

[Wanderer427]

Thanks Tobiasfunke.
Nice to know you got through this. Hope your life is good and you have what you need in your life. 

I know I will get through this also...
I just need some help on the way. And yes, after crawling the www for help, and no real answers, I believe this would be a good place. We are all in this together.

[brighter future]

Wanderer,

Your story is so similar to mine on most of the details including the codependency. I was with my uBPD
ex-g/f for almost two years but have known her for over 20 years. I started seeing her just as she was finalizing the divorce from her ex-husband. She has two kids, one by an ex-b/f who is a deadbeat dad and another by her ex-husband.  About 6 weeks into our relationship, she admitted to a 1-2 month affair with an old high school classmate right after she left her husband describing it as "strictly a rebound thing." At that time, I also found out she discarded this guy to start seeing me. He was an alcoholic with no job, no car, and no home of his own.

Our relationship never really consisted of any big arguments, but her moods, goals, opinions, etc. seemed to almost change daily sometimes. Rarely did she ever finish anything she started, and she was in dire straits financially and had a hard time holding down consistent employment.    Some days I felt like I never existed when we were spending time together, as she could be very self-absorbed because of her mental health issues. She was almost emotionally unavailable during these times to her two children, and they both have significant emotional issues as well.  That behavior usually caused me to withdraw a bit, but she'd always reel me back in with love bombing and adorning compliments. She started hinting at marriage about 2 months into our relationship, which I should have seen as a red flag, especially since her divorce wasn't quite final. Even with all of this craziness, I've never ever been attracted to a woman that way I was with her, and I've never had a woman look at me the way she did. Our feelings for each other went back many years, but no one ever acted on anything until 2018.

The engagement pressure from her started up again about 9 months before she discarded me and lasted until I bought her an engagement ring about one month before the discard. I couldn't break down and propose to her because of her refusal to face her emotional issues. It was her belief that if we got married, I would be her savior and take her away from all of her issues. About two months before the discard, she said to me in tears "When are you going to take me away from all of this?" Deep down I knew that I couldn't save her from anything. She has to save herself. I also knew that getting married wouldn't make any of that easier, it would only make things harder on all of us. I still bought an engagement ring anyway. She went with me to pick it up at the jewelry store to try it on to make sure it would fit. As we were leaving she said, "Please don't make me wait on this forever (a proposal)." I thought things would eventually get better because she said she was going to start seeing a therapist, however, that never happened.

She came to visit me one afternoon nearly a year ago and said she could no long live like this without me and gave me the "either we get married or I'm done" ultimatum. I tried to assure her that I loved her and wanted to be with her, but we needed to wait until the emotional issues were sorted out. She disagreed and said that there was nothing wrong with her and that's just the way she was. "Therapists don't work for me" she said. We talked on and off for two weeks and had agreed to see a couples counselor together. I tried calling/texting her one evening at the end of that two week time period and got no answer. The next day, I got a text from her rubbing it in my face that she was out on a date the previous night, and that's why she couldn't answer my call. As I suspected, it turned out to be the same guy she rebounded with after her ex-husband. She and I exchanged some text messages after that, but I went no contact with her after she professed her love for this guy on Facebook less than a month later. When I asked her how I could go from being the man of her dreams, her soulmate, etc. to this, all she could say was "I don't have the energy for that, and I can't answer any questions."

I was devastated and spent the next 3-4 months in an emotional gutter. Each of our children took the breakup hard as well.  I sought counseling about a month after the breakup, which helped put things into perspective for me. Most days it was a struggle to get up for work every morning and be there for my own child. My child started to notice something was wrong and mentioned it to me one day. It was at that time I knew I needed to get some professional help.  I learned from my therapist that I was in a codependent relationship. My therapist also read through multiple emails and text messages from my ex. After reading those and hearing my accounts of my ex's behavior, she said believed without a shadow of a doubt that she most likely has BPD. Close to a month after I started counseling, I found this forum. Being able to talk to people who have went through similar experiences helped me even further. It's probably helped me as much if not more in some cases than counseling has, and I'm so much more self-aware than I was a year ago. Some days I still miss my ex for the great times we had.  There were plenty of them, but I do not miss the emotional rollercoaster. Her life is no different than it was a year ago, maybe worse in some cases according to mutual friends and family. According to them, she and her son have been dealing with significant issues, and she sent him to live with his father. I started hearing from her again about 4.5 months after I went NC and have heard from her a couple of times every month until the beginning of last month. Only one or two of those messages merited a response, and I didn't reply to any of the others. I'm at a point now to where I just don't want to go there with her any longer. My therapist said she thinks that my ex was testing the waters and trying to feel me out. I've come this far, so why go back now.

I hope that what I've shared with you about my experiences helps you in some way. You're not alone. I encourage you to take care of yourself and your needs. One thing I've learned in the last year in counseling and on this forum is that the only other adult you can be emotionally responsible for is yourself. I always thought I could save my ex-g/f from herself and her issues if I loved and supported her more. Now I know that's not true. I encourage you to seek counseling if at all possible and post your thoughts here as much as you want to. There's always someone here to listen.

Take care and best wishes. It does get better with time, I promise.

[Warriorprincess]

brighter future, your story is so much like mine that I had to chime in. I met my wife while she was going through a divorce with her ex-husband, complete with a bitter custody battle for their 2 children. I was her first relationship with a woman, a big  for me, but I ignored that as well as her situation, alcoholism, mental and physical health issues, and an older son with severe emotional problems. The first time I went to her house, I rushed over there because she had a diabetic low-blood-sugar incident. As a good codependent, I thought, "She needs me; I will take care of her." I asked her to marry me before her divorce was even finalized. We were together for 6.5 years and married for 5.5. I only left for good one month ago, after leaving the house and returning many times. I would say the first year was blissful, the second still wonderful, the third had revealed a few issues which we thought would be solved when we bought a house in a different town - fresh start for all of us (away from things that reminded them of her ex). Well, buying the house and moving I think was the catalyst for the real power and control dynamics to begin and last for 3 years, with severe verbal, emotional, environmental, and eventually physical abuse. I am very happy to be out of that situation, but I cry all the time, missing so many things that we had, worrying that I'll never have a first 2 years like that again.

Best of luck, Wanderer! We are here for you. 

-Warriorprincess

[Cromwell]

Hi Wanderer427 Welcome

Right now, there is a lot on your mind and heart, so much that it feels hard to know "where do I start?"

I think you already have!

you found a support that you do not need to go through this hard times alone.

The pain is like hitting a hammer on the thumb, it hurts very much at first, but it will heal in time.

Cromwell

[Wanderer427]

Everyone. Thank you for your support. This helps alot already.   

Talking to people about this is vital.

Yesterday, out of the blue, my brother called. We haven't talked for over 5 months.
He has been through alot in his life too, but not like this...
Anyway, we had a good talk and he told me the key to understand this, is me. Not her.
She has a toddler's mental mind. So I need to look at her as a child.
Although her IQ is way off the charts. Very very smart person.
But her EQ is below zero I think.

She has tried to mold me into her mental slave.
Manipulated me to do things her way.
But always in a kind, covert, respectful way. Very confusing...and eeary..
Being arrogant in a covert way..shift the "blame" over to me when conversating.
So to twist the "truth" into her liking. So I give up and goes on with it.
 
Oh.. and the sex. It was truly awesome. We did it all the time. We did it all.
And the cuddling. We always cuddled and kissed. Holding each other like it was the end of the world...
But...and she wanted to have a child with me. She did what she could to make this happen.
My gut feeling told me NO, so I dodged a bullet here.


It seems now after we broke up, she hasn't a care in the world about my mental state.

Really creepy, when we both say we have this insane connection and bond between us.

Now, Something that helps me alot is to also don't give a damn!
Why should I care when she clearly don't?

First grief, alot. Anger also helps. The bitterness of it all.

Then keep the mind busy doing everything else but think of her.
You do this by simply open your eyes and look inside your room.
In this split second, your mind looks at a picture, your coffee cup, your book shelf, and there u go.
It is actually that simple. Play a very intense computer game, watch netflix with headset on.
Take a good book and read if that helps. Take a long car trip with your best music with unknown destination. Just drive.
Of course, meditation is very good.
I am trying to ground myself as good as I can.
Be mindful, and take care of my precious brain and the Self which has been seriously compromised.

She has taken pieces of my soul and eaten it... This is how it feels...

Sorry for the ramblings, but to just write this down actually works!
Love u all