39 yr old daughter with bpd causing anguish, stress and stri.

[Etak]

Hi, my daughter has once again said she took pills and medication to commit suicide.  Called 911 and police and ambulance went.  I did not.  She explained that she told this to me and her ex husband because she was angry.  She is a rage probably 80% of the time. 

We were no contact for 4 years (my decision) as she was causing so much craziness in my, her exes and her daughter’s life.  From constant threats to screaming rages to public verbal and social media attacks on all of our families. 

In October 2020, She was diagnosed with liver failure (alcohol) and long term post COVID Organ issues, so I went and got her, brought her to my hometown, rented her an apartment and so on.  She has now fired all her doctors as she is “more knowledgeable than they are and they do Not give her illness the attention it needs and decided she can have alcohol in moderation.

I cannot afford to keep paying her rent and sundries and I am terrified for her, but I am also terrified for myself as well, as I am left reeling from the verbal assaults that can go on for days.  I want to help, but I also wish she would just disappear.  There is no one left but me.  She has done hideous things to onetime friends and family members.  Ie:  sister in law had still birth, was devastated and my daughter went on social media and posted that sister in law had murdered her baby and posted where she worked, and these type of actions are not uncommon by daughter. 

Has anyone had experience with bpd improving with age?  I just recently found out from a nurse about the bpd and it all started to make sense.   I have read so much recently, but it seems that I should accept the abuse, give her time out and start all over again.   I gave her and me a time out and this is what set of the suicide lies this morning. 

Any advice? Any coping suggestions? The guilt is overwhelming because I do not like my own daughter and I want to help, but don’t know how long I can take it for.  It’s been 5 months almost non-stop raging.

Apologies for my rant, but I do not discuss this with family as it upsets them to much to see me upset.

Thank you for giving me a forum.

Any

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[20yearsHRS]

I really should not give advice but it actually helps build backbone.  I'm just now getting to the point of being mad and angry dealing with my dBPD daughter.  I'm going to live my life.  LIVE YOUR LIFE.  We deserve to live our lives without this constant abuse and nonsense.   I believe now my deceased wife had the same affliction though undiagnosed.  She was 43 and I saw no signs of it abating. 

If your granddaughter is safe, can you move?  Definitely stop paying her rent.  At 39 time she figured out life right?  Sorry that was rude.  I'm practicing on that backbone for my 18 year old soon to be 19 this summer that had college paid 100% if she just followed a few simple rules.  Nope she just walked away second semester pretending to have an eating disorder that suddenly cropped up in 2 months.  Girl was eating fine at the house.  But then she tends to have all kinds of medical problems so I should not have been surprised.

You deserve a life free of abuse.  Let's get our backbone together and push em out and away.   

[Sancho]

Welcome Etak - and so sorry to hear your really difficult, painful situation.

Are you able to find out any information about what stage the liver failure is at? In one way I am not surprised your daughter is raging so much. This is a really serious health issue and it would have been spelt out to her about not drinking etc.

Fear really triggers huge and constant anger in those with BPD - lashing out (getting rid of doctors) while at the same time craving attention.

How old is her daughter and is she living with her mother?

I always try to put myself in someone's shoes ie 'What would I do if  . . ?'

I think if I were in your shoes, my decisions would be based on how advanced the liver failure was and what options there are available in relation to other sources of housing.

Sending hugs     . . . . . .

[BonnieW]

I feel for you because I totally relate.  I had to cut myself off from my 39 year old daughter for my own well-being.  She has caused days, months and years of grief and heartache for me.  Has caused episodes of deep depression and sleepless nights.  I can't take any more.  I got a hateful, nasty message from her on Tuesday and haven't slept well since. 

I struggle with my sense of guilt for avoiding her, but she is so mean and says very nasty and abusive things to me.  She has kept my grandchildren away from me since January; she uses them as a bargaining chip.  I can't play that game anymore; it hurts too much.

I blocked her number today, so that I can get some respite from her nasty and condescending messages.  It's truly awful.

I have to agree with 20yearsHRS and live my life.  The way I think about it, is that I expect to have a good 20 years left on this planet and I want them to be happy.  My daughter does not bring me happiness and has not brought much in the past few years.  It's been an emotional roller coaster.

Etak - you're in good company and post what you need to vent.  We can all relate.

I wish you peace.

[Etak]

Thank you all for reaching out.  I appreciate it.  It’s like living inside an awake nightmare that never ends.  The guilt is crushing.  I am always questioning my own actions as to whether or not I am being   Fair to her, what kind of mother abandons her child... she can’t help what she is... when I go out for a meal, I think, look at me having a nice meal, but I didn’t invite my daughter and the guilt is overwhelming. 

It is freeing to be able to say what I feel with others who understand  and i am so grateful to have this  space.

Etak

[PearlsBefore]

 

Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to meet you, sorry you're here...

There are two major issues that catch my interest:

1) Her age. You ask if it's likely to get better with age, I'm afraid there's bad news for you here. While the majority of BPDs do mellow out with age for one reason or another, there's a subset of BPDs that have not noticeably improved...and if you were going to see improvement, I'm afraid it would've been more than a decade ago. By 39, the answer is basically "Short of a miracle from God, no, she will remain this way even as a senior citizen unless she gets serious help". For the record, "typical" help that's necessary for a grown BPD to get control of their symptoms (rather than just removing triggers and being pampered in life) is several years of weekly sessions at the very least...most of us have seen the "I'll get help" that lasts all of three months before being 'fired' as you say.

2) The guilt that comes from...not..."liking" her. This is one of the huge elephants in the room when you're talking to caretakers of BPD. There is a huge cognitive dissonance because for many of us, we'll never be able to explain our position on our family member to the general public. Many of us do not like or respect them, which causes half the population to gasp in horror and say that's terrible and you have to like and respect family no matter what. The other half of the population gasps in horror when they hear we don't hate them and try to destroy them either. Nobody except caretakers of extreme personality disorders "get it"...which is why it's so incredibly valuable to be able to talk in a forum like this because obviously someone like BonnieW understands your position, or at in-person support groups for caretakers of personality disorders.

[zanne]

Dear Etak,
Please know that in what you are experiencing you are not alone. And what PearlsBefore was saying is so true:
You will not hear people talking about this stuff just anywhere, because it's almost unbelievable... You will find
that within this forum are regular and wonderful folks who have raised up children with what they thought were
excellent "results," happy, bright, creative, popular and well-adjusted. Then, all of a sudden KABOOM! Another person seems to emerge from that child and undoes all we thought was true.

My daughter is 34. She is undiagnosed as BPD, refuses the notion that something is off. She exhibits almost all of the
traits known to be within the BPD diagnosis criteria. Also meets the criteria for at least two of the other disorders often found along with BPD. And they seem to be getting worse..
She left home to go to college when she was 17. Until her second year in college I did not see any change to her personality. But during her second year she came home for visits, and often attacked me verbally and viciously. I was so stunned I asked a couple of my family friends to have lunch with her and tell me what they thought was going on. Nothing, they said. "She seems to be the same delightful girl she has always been."
Now I know I am her "target..."
Keep reading, reading and reading, Etak, on all things BPD. Type in "Family Connections" and try to join the 12-week
course offered. Here you will find like souls, trying their best to save the BPD in their life, and also save themselves.
I started with reading "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder." (Manning). This was recommended to me by my daughter's ex-husband, who is still reeling from the roller coaster ride and sudden divorce. Next, I am reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells." (Mason and Kreger)
One other suggestion is this. When you are in crisis or needing an ear, find someone who knows you well and supports you in life. A mere acquaintance will likely give you the side eye, and may not be willing to share the craziness that is your life.
In the end, we all do our best. Don't throw YOURSELF to the wolves doing it!