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Author Topic: Wife jealous of my relationship with my mother  (Read 1256 times)
thankful person
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Formerly known as broken person…


« on: March 26, 2021, 05:35:20 PM »

Lesbian with BPD wife
 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post) I find it difficult to stand up for myself due to my wife’s jealousy. I hardly ever speak to my mother, my wife is jealous of our relationship and does not like to be even mentioned in the calls, but doesn’t like me spending my free time talking to my mother (it’s less than once a week but sometimes for an hour). She likes to have a text relationship with my mother so she gets to tell her own news (she also doesn’t like me talking about our child, and only recently I have started sending my mother pictures of the baby against my wife’s wishes). Then she gets annoyed with my mother if she doesn’t reply, or only seems interested in the baby. I guess I’m trying to say.. I would like to phone my mother or even video call her more often and I’m often nervous of even answering her calls. It’s even harder with the virus as we’re both home all the time atm. Our second child is arriving shortly and things are very strained between us. She insisted I go back out to work back in June last year,, against government advice, because she said she wanted to save our marriage, but now with baby’s arrival imminent, I am back to working from home..
How do I stand up for myself in the most peaceful way?
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truthdevotee
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Wife, but not formally married
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« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2021, 02:36:27 AM »

Lesbian with BPD wife
 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post) I find it difficult to stand up for myself due to my wife’s jealousy. I hardly ever speak to my mother, my wife is jealous of our relationship and does not like to be even mentioned in the calls, but doesn’t like me spending my free time talking to my mother (it’s less than once a week but sometimes for an hour). She likes to have a text relationship with my mother so she gets to tell her own news (she also doesn’t like me talking about our child, and only recently I have started sending my mother pictures of the baby against my wife’s wishes). Then she gets annoyed with my mother if she doesn’t reply, or only seems interested in the baby. I guess I’m trying to say.. I would like to phone my mother or even video call her more often and I’m often nervous of even answering her calls. It’s even harder with the virus as we’re both home all the time atm. Our second child is arriving shortly and things are very strained between us. She insisted I go back out to work back in June last year,, against government advice, because she said she wanted to save our marriage, but now with baby’s arrival imminent, I am back to working from home..
How do I stand up for myself in the most peaceful way?

I only have a minute or two to write, right now, but will check back in later. I just want to share that I find myself in a similar situation.

My pwBPD has issues with my FOO and over the years, I've progressively allowed myself to be cut off from them. It's been painful and confusing for them and for me it's been crazy-making. I've only understood what's been occurring and how to heal the pattern through the support of the members of this forum.

I didn't realize there is a distinction between core values and shared values: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

I have also been easily influenced and manipulated by my pwBPD who's thoughts, feelings and perspectives I trusted and believed at the expense of not trusting or listening to and honoring my own thoughts, feelings and perspectives.

I'm currently in the process of healing but I think it will take time. I now privately call my parents in private and share what I talked about with my pwBPD so as to include her. I ensure I let my pwBPD how I included her lovingly in the phone calls with my parents but I don't tell her everything I talked about with them. I've learned that it's OK to not reveal everything.

I'd like to get to the point where I can Skype video call with them and her and my boys. My boys are 2 and 3 years old and since their grandparents (my parents) live in another country, Skype is the only opportunity to connect with them... they've met a few times when my parents flew to the country we live in, but other than that my pwBPD has limited contact on Skype video and refused to allow me to Skype video just with the boys and their grandparents.

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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2021, 02:44:19 PM »

These jealousies of family members are heartbreaking for all concerned. By the time a BPD partner has begun to insist their right to alienate you from your family, much accommodation to their whims has taken place on your part.

Can you imagine a first date that appears promising and your date tells you, “In the future, I will not allow you to see your family. No phone calls, texts, zoom, or Skype will be allowed. You have chosen me so you no longer can affiliate with them. If you do so, in spite of my prohibition, there will be extreme consequences for you.”

If someone said that to you on a first date, what would you do?

Yet, here you are in this position. It occurred by a slow drip, drip, drip of bending to your partner’s demands despite your own wishes. And should you choose to make a change in the unwritten “agreement” then surely you believe World War III will result.

Undoubtedly you are partially correct. Your partner has trained you to be obedient and if not, you know there is a heavy price to pay.

How to change this. First, realize that you have to be totally committed to want the freedom to contact your family, regardless of your partner’s response. Second, you cannot waver from this decision. If you give in and promise not to contact your family after your partner has a global meltdown, then you are training your partner that conniption fits will get them what they want.

This escalation of behavior is known as an Extinction Burst. Here’s some more on this topic:  How to handle extinction bursts

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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2021, 11:54:28 PM »

Hi Truth and Cat,
Thank you for your replies, I will certainly check out both the links too.
Actually since I told my wife that I was going to start sending  mum the baby pictures, she took this very badly and said our relationship is over. Since then she does not allow any physical affection from me and won’t say she loves me. It’s really because she has always been disappointed with our sex life (which is now non existent). So in her mind, why should I get to send my mum photos, when I have always made my wife suffer with a poor sex life..)
I decided in my mind that I would video call once a month and send at least one picture once a month. It’s nearly the end of March and I’ve been too nervous to announce the second video call.. well I tried once but mum didn’t answer.
What I’m really worried about is with my wife pregnant, she expects to be pregnant/breast feeding for the next few years as we have two more frozen embryos.. My wife will not be getting the Covid vaccine so even though my parents have had it, she is already making it clear this is a reason not to see them (because she is still at risk). Of course, her parents have to come round because our child needs to get to know them as they will be looking after her during the birth of our second. My mum can’t be part of this anyway as she is carer for my dad who has  Parkinson‘s. One time mum came round last year to drop off presents. I was out because I was too sad to see mum social distanced. But I was cross with my mum because I was hoping they could bond a bit without me but mum ruined everything because it was supposed to be a socially distanced doorstep visit, but mum came in to use the toilet, and even picked up the baby for a second when she came to her. My parents are nearly 80 and I’m sad they don’t have a relationship with our daughter, they are both very unhappy what with my dad’s illness anyway. Video calls make them so happy but I find it so hard to announce that I’m doing it. I’m so disappointed with myself.
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“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2021, 12:54:06 PM »

This is a common pattern and seems to happen in marriages between men and women as well. I think an underlying fear of the pwBPD is that you would disclose something about her to your family. I also think they can sense that you are more relaxed with your family member and are walking on eggshells with them. Pw BPD tend to project their feelings. If they are feeling insecure about your family relationships- then they see this as being caused by the relationship and to ease their discomfort, they try to limit it. The "reason" they give may not even be the real reason. This is why when you "solve" the reason by agreeing to their wishes, or try to explain,  it might not work.

Cat's description of the gradual appeasement is good. You appease one thing- then appease another and another. But since the emotional discomfort is on her part and may not be the actual reason, the solution isn't working.

I would wait for more information on the Covid-19 vaccine. One reason they are still proposing caution for vaccinated people around others is that they really don't know if it is possible to still transmit it or not. Hopefully they will know more. If it turns out it  is less likely your parents would transmit Covid to your wife and children, that argument won't hold up. It likely isn't the actual reason for her restricting visits, but it sounds logical.

You can validate the feelings but not the invalid. It's important to not JADE. It's possible that her Covid argument just won't hold up over time. Yes, your wife will have a certain amount of control if  the baby is breast feeding. However, children will grow and become more independent.

Your wife is upset that she didn't have control over your contacting your parents. If you let go of doing this, her actions then have worked for her. I am sorry that you are enduring the lack of affection from her. The statement "why do you get to send pictures when you make her suffer" isn't logical. You are also the parent and can choose to send a picture to your mother.
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Diddle
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« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2021, 05:26:34 PM »

BrokenPerson

Your post makes me so sad Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) I am 20 yrs into my relationship with my BPD husband and its only the last year that has made me realise it is BPD.
We have 3 children, 12, 13 & 14 and honestly I feel so resentful that I allowed myself to be manipulated for so long, and have such a big mental list of all the things I have been manipulated into missing out on with my family because of him. We are still together, working through it, but I will never get those moments back that I could have had.

Your partner has a disorder that means they don't have the ability to care how you feel about this, They are just trying to protect themselves (from damage caused by someone else), and to be honest without a large amount of therapy this isn't going to suddenly change. This is what they do, they make us think that us choosing something for ourselves will cause them great pain, not considering for a minute the pain it causes us.

Please read as many posts as you can, see the similarities in your story and everyone else's, and choose to set yourself some boundaries, you CAN stand up for yourself and your children, your parents should be seeing their grandchildren and only you can make that happen.

I have found huge strength in this group that I never knew was in me. Keep asking us questions, and let us build you up, you deserve to live the life you want to x
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Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2021, 04:26:17 PM »

Thank you notwendy and diddle,
I will certainly be reading more of the advice on this forum and seeking support. It feels somewhat of a betrayal, but then I know that I do have a right to become stronger and learn how to improve this marriage for the both of us, as best as I can. It took years to learn that arguing never helps us, but I still struggle with it. I tried to call mum again today and I am determined to call her before the end of March to keep my promise to myself. I know it shouldn’t have to be like this, but it is, so it’s a start. Thank you again for your support.
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