realizing two close friends may have BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been cracking up some strained relationships to the pressure and fatigue that exists a year into this pandemic and too much virtual communication.

 But, recently, I was trying to make sense of a friends (of twenty years) sudden disappearance and somehow the memory jolted back to me that she was diagnosed with what she described as sort of a rapid cycling mood swing condition over 15 years ago (like moods lasting a few hours). . I realize BPD isn’t a mood disorder, but a personality one - but, I’m trying to think what else could have fit the bill. Looking at quiet BPD traits - I think this might be what she deals with (and I honestly see myself in a lot of them as well).

Also, recently, I shared my breakup with ex wBPD with a friend, describing BPD, and she has confided that she has also sought help for herself re: BPD traits  (because someone told her she had BPD) and while was not diagnosed, she also did receive a referral to a BPD DBT group (is that commonly done for non-BPD people?). She said a lot of the traits she related to including: rage, volatity, push/pull (broke up countless times in recent relationship). Her self- awareness otherwise seems somewhatlimited and (I am realizing now) very blame/anger oriented and black and white thinking.

I say this all wondering at how I am able to participate long term in relationships and not see certain traits. The last few days, I have been sitting back and thinking about the whole picture of these individuals whom I think of as friends and am seeing a lot that has been there all along, but somehow I was blind to. It’s been quite the realization.

 And, I realize people don’t need the diagnosis to have traits etc., but I find it interesting how I perhaps have a tendency for this dynamic.And they have a particular quality to them - these non-romantic relationships- like, I would not categorize them as my deep, meaningful relationships that I really value- that I participate in but also feel our values are far off from one another. Recently, It has really called upon my perspective taking muscles versus just thinking in the immediacy (and frankly, what I get out the relationship- such as company(!) of the exchanges I have with these people.

I’m struggling a little as now that I see all these traits in my DBT friend especially  (who of course isn’t going to DBT), I want to step away and a friendship seems redundant in that it would involve work that I feel I don’t have capacity for or interest in, but I also wonder: am I splitting her? am I avoiding her/conflict? am I blaming her? In a much lesser degree that my ex, I feel like I am back in those murky waters of trying to figure out what is my part in this and what is hers. I’m feeling really uncomfortable with the blame traits /lack of responsibility - especially as I know myself to tend to take on responsibility and also tend to intuitively cognitively regulate others. My goal now anyway is to just step back a bit and not engage in the same intensive, daily way - which is unique to that relationship.

[forevermagenta]

I have been cracking up some strained relationships to the pressure and fatigue that exists a year into this pandemic and too much virtual communication.

 But, recently, I was trying to make sense of a friends (of twenty years) sudden disappearance and somehow the memory jolted back to me that she was diagnosed with what she described as sort of a rapid cycling mood swing condition over 15 years ago (like moods lasting a few hours). . I realize BPD isn’t a mood disorder, but a personality one - but, I’m trying to think what else could have fit the bill. Looking at quiet BPD traits - I think this might be what she deals with (and I honestly see myself in a lot of them as well).

Also, recently, I shared my breakup with ex wBPD with a friend, describing BPD, and she has confided that she has also sought help for herself re: BPD traits  (because someone told her she had BPD) and while was not diagnosed, she also did receive a referral to a BPD DBT group (is that commonly done for non-BPD people?). She said a lot of the traits she related to including: rage, volatity, push/pull (broke up countless times in recent relationship). Her self- awareness otherwise seems somewhatlimited and (I am realizing now) very blame/anger oriented and black and white thinking.

I say this all wondering at how I am able to participate long term in relationships and not see certain traits. The last few days, I have been sitting back and thinking about the whole picture of these individuals whom I think of as friends and am seeing a lot that has been there all along, but somehow I was blind to. It’s been quite the realization.

 And, I realize people don’t need the diagnosis to have traits etc., but I find it interesting how I perhaps have a tendency for this dynamic.And they have a particular quality to them - these non-romantic relationships- like, I would not categorize them as my deep, meaningful relationships that I really value- that I participate in but also feel our values are far off from one another. Recently, It has really called upon my perspective taking muscles versus just thinking in the immediacy (and frankly, what I get out the relationship- such as company(!) of the exchanges I have with these people.

I’m struggling a little as now that I see all these traits in my DBT friend especially  (who of course isn’t going to DBT), I want to step away and a friendship seems redundant in that it would involve work that I feel I don’t have capacity for or interest in, but I also wonder: am I splitting her? am I avoiding her/conflict? am I blaming her? In a much lesser degree that my ex, I feel like I am back in those murky waters of trying to figure out what is my part in this and what is hers. I’m feeling really uncomfortable with the blame traits /lack of responsibility - especially as I know myself to tend to take on responsibility and also tend to intuitively cognitively regulate others. My goal now anyway is to just step back a bit and not engage in the same intensive, daily way - which is unique to that relationship.

[khibomsis]

forevermagenta, ah, the gift of BPD. The only thing that consoles me for the tremendous losses is the fact that I have gained so much knowledge and insight. As I pass through the grieving and slowly get back into the world, indeed I realize how much wiser I am in my interactions with people. One becomes sensitized through the pain.

You are doing exactly the right thing with your friend. There is no need to be extreme, just stepping back and over time slowly setting boundaries.
And realizing people are not perfect. It is how we interact with them that matter.