I know its over, but I feel trapped...

[DeltaType]

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I moved in last year, and for a long time, things were great, lots of passion and love between us. Then lockdown happened. Every minute together at first seemed like a dream, but a few months in, I noticed small cracks.
Her sister had to move in for a while and that started to drive a wedge between us in places. She accused me of sleeping with her sister, which upon reflection was a huge red flag, with absolutely no evidence at all, because I had not, and would never cheat on anyone.
We reconciled and things started to get better again until around 2 months ago, I started hearing little niggly things said to family members of hers, things along the lines of “hes got a penis, so hes wrong” (paraphrased) and “just leave the dishes, you never do it right, I will just have to redo them if you do them”
I started to feel like I didnt REALLY mean all that much to her and I started to almost feel guilty for being a man.
Then, around a month ago, I made a mistake and dropped pasta in the sink when draining it, and she flipped at me. Rage. The next day, I found myself feeling humiliated, embarassed and belittled. My psyche went into a shutdown state, I had no emotions. I couldnt feel love, happiness, sadness- anything at all.
In my mind, the relationship has finished but I cant let it go without trying at least right?
She then revealed to me that the way I am currently behaving, emotionlessly, was the reason she had cut herself lately.
Im not perfect, I make mistakes, but I cant help feeling (or not feeling as the case may be) the way I do.
As frequently as this morning she accused me of cheating again, she found a hair in my boxers that she had been wearing all night, that I havnt worn in a long time, that I legitamately couldnt explain. I wont be accused of cheating, but what else can you say?
I think I need out.
Please help.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DT, Welcome!  Sorry to hear what you are going through.  Let me ask you a couple of questions.  What makes you think your SO has BPD?  I can't tell from your post.  Also, what would you like to see happen?  Again, I'm unsure from your post.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[DeltaType]

Hi Jim,
She has been diagnosed, sorry I shouldve mentioned that during the post, it was fairly hastily written and a lot of things kinda came pouring out...
I think I want to leave, but I am so confused about how I should be feeling and if its even right to be thinking of leaving?

I apologise if theres a lot of uncertainty in any of my posts, its the first time I have openly talked about this and again, confusion is ruling my mind at the moment.

Thank you for your reply as well, it means a lot already

[grumpydonut]

Hey Delta,

Welcome. Sad situation for sure.

If you leave, make sure your decision is final so that you cannot be persuaded back in. What will likely happen, since she has BPD, is a massive persuasion period where you will feel compelled to get back with her / not abandon her, etc. So you will need to make sure that you are strong in your reasons for sleaving, and not easy to manipulate via her - likely - false promises to change her bad behaviour.

For example: when mine cheated on me, she begged me to stay with her, crying, telling me I was the best thing in her life and that he meant nothing, and she just wanted me "now and forever". She promised to change her overall behaviour in the relationship (push-pull stuff). Nothing changed, and 9 months later, she had left me for him...(the guy she said she didn't speak to anymore).

This forum suggests that this is very common.

[cash05458]

"She found a hair in my boxers... "

I don't know quite why but that line highlights the absurdity of these relationships we have all had here...

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, DT, Don't beat yourself up!  Hey, we're all human.  You didn't do anything wrong by dropping pasta in the sink.  In my experience, it's impossible to predict what will cause an emotional explosion with a pwBPD.

You sound confused, which is understandable in a BPD r/s.  I suggest you focus on yourself, on you and your needs.  What is the right path for you?

We've all been there, so feel free to ask any particular questions.

LJ

[DeltaType]

Hey guys,
So tonight we had a bit of an argument, and things verged on the edge of ending. As I am just thinking “do it now, just do it...” she starts playing music that is so mixed with the messages, ones about guys being horrible and then immediately followed by a love song that she says is a song that reminds her of when we met, which is a lovely sentiment, but I am more confused than ever.

I feel so emotionally drained, I have nothing left to give and I think she knows it deep down.

[once removed]

it may sound counterintuitive, but if you are still together, even if you are planning to break up, it may be a better idea to post on the Bettering board for now while you try to get on solid ground; this is a board for people who are broken up for at least a month or more and are well into the stages of grief.

I feel so emotionally drained, I have nothing left to give and I think she knows it deep down.

she does. and on this trajectory, things will get worse; for you, for her, for the relationship.

and the difficulty is, if you break up with her tomorrow, living together during a breakup, and navigating living arrangements is going to be very challenging.

i remember when my relationship was in its death throes. i was worn down to the point that i had emotionally pulled out. unbeknownst to me at the time, she was likely cheating. i determined that i wanted to completely reinvest in the relationship and give it a real shot. i didnt really have the skills or the wherewithal, and our relationship was broken; i just wasnt emotionally ready to pull the other trigger.

you dont sound as if theres enough left for you to want to completely reinvest and give the relationship a shot. i dont blame you.

but understand that picking a path (stay or go) as you are able, and building a plan around it is vital. emotionally challenging too, no doubt, when youre overwhelmed. but that will all get worse on this same trajectory. the first thing i would wonder, regardless, is if you broke up tomorrow, where would you or she go?