What to do

[Bronski423]

  so I recently started dating someone with bpd. We been dating for about 3 weeks and everything’s was great. I felt super loved and cared for. Then recently I had my first experience with her “splitting” I knew she had mental health issues but I guess I never took the time to really get and do research about bpd. I just assumed it was depression? In a way. Well she split and we’ve been fighting for the last 3 days. I guess her emotions are “turned off” and she just kept telling me I don’t deserve to deal with this and she never should have allowed me to date her and it’s all to much and all these negative things. I’ve tried to re assure her I want to be her and help but she keeps telling me theirs nothing I can do. What I’ve struggled with the most as of these last few days is her turning her emotions off. It’s very hard for me to feel someone loved and cared about me so much and now doesn’t care at all and shows no empathy for what they are doing to me. I know that sounds selfish but it’s just hard to grasp. It’s a lot. I found myself telling her how she never cared about me and how this was a joke to her and probably making this 10000x worse. We haven’t spoke since last night. I’ve done research all day today in bpd and watched a ton of YouTube videos and realized all the mistakes I made the last few days  communication wise and I feel awful. I know I should have done research sooner but I guess I just wasn’t expecting her to ever have these feeling or splitting emotions towards me when I’ve been nothing but supportive? I’ve come to realize it’s not personal tho. I guess at this point I’m just hoping someone has some advice on what I can do now? Do I give her time? Or reach out? Or maybe reach out in a few days? I have a friend with bpd and she advised me to just let it go because people with bpd can’t really be with anyone unless they help themselves, that it just won’t work. I don’t wanna believe that tho as I’ve read people with bpd CAN have healthy relationships with work.please any advice would help me, I really want to be with her and make this work.

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[guitarguy09]

Hi Bronski!

Welcome to the site. I hear what you're saying, that your relationship was awesome the first three weeks but you're having questions now and not sure how to deal with her telling you "you don't deserve this," etc.

In my experience, the best thing to do is to validate her thinking and don't pretend her feelings are not real. For example, "I hear you say that I don't deserve this, but I really do want to be with you and want to assure you of that."

When my undiagnosed BPD wife has times when she is paranoid about people or splitting towards me negatively, I give her space and don't say anything invalidating and that has worked out well. She's still mad/sad/paranoid anyways but at least it doesn't make me a target.

I hope that helps!