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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Going through a challenging separation  (Read 370 times)
EZEarache
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 240


« on: March 31, 2021, 10:00:51 AM »

So my story is long and I certainly have my own issues to contend with. I struggle with Body Dysmorphia Disorder, and have largely risen above it. However, this makes me very vulnerable to other's criticisms and I can be manipulated easily. About 18 months ago, I was convinced to have a child with my girlfriend of about 3 years, currently. At 46 years old it really was no longer on my list of life goals. I was also very happy with the life I had built for myself. I was very apprehensive about having a baby. My girlfriend convinced me that I would be a great father, and that we would still do all the things in life that I love.  When I asked her why I wasn't enough and why it was so important to have a child, she usually listed that she was afraid to die alone. This always struck me as a strange reason.

Today, our boy is now 10 months old and is beautiful and healthy. Everytime I look at him I can see myself. It's taught me that if I can make anything this beautiful, then I must be beautiful too. Literally crying as I just wrote that. Now when I look in the mirror I see him.

Flashback to October 2020, I became suicidal, due to a major appendemic surgery, the pandemic, being a new father, and a strange feeling that I was always in conflict. A fight that lasted a week, started by my ex pushing me out of the way while I was trying to change a diaper when she was crying. Since then our relationship has become increasingly strained. We tried couples therapy, but my ex-girlfriend ended up yelling at the therapist, and said I was suicidal, when I really wasn't. My trigger for depression were the fights I was experiencing with her. I used cognitive behavioral therapy, to disassociate my negative feelings of our new baby and place them more on the pandemic where they belong. Despite, this my ex never let me move on from what I felt in October. Constantly bringing up my depression, etc. anytime we had a disagreement, which became more and more frequent.

A few weeks ago we got in a huge fight. I tried to prevent the fight from happening in the first place. However, after using active listening, calm short answers, and doing what she asked, the fight erupted anyway. I tried getting away from her and leaving the house, but couldn't find my car keys. We were running up and down the hall, and I was screaming, "don't want to fight anymore, that's what I've told you since October." She of course inevitably brought up the suicide note. This triggered me to say, "The biggest mistake I ever made in my life was not jumping off the bridge, 5 months ago. Then the last 5 months of hell would have been over."

More fighting and more of my anger, saying I was going to go kill myself. But in reality, I just needed to leave the situation for a few minutes to calm down. Fighting continued with her physically preventing me from trying to leave, ripping off my shirts, and dragging me down the stairs at our deck. I did not physically hit her. Eventually she called 911. I fled from the scene, because I knew that this would end badly for me. Eventually I returned and I ended up in handcuffs and being brought to the hospital, and was released the same day, after my parents drove six hours to get me out of the hospital.

I attempted to schedule a therapy session two weeks in a row with my ex, but scheduling did not work for her, due to her work schedule. This was hurtful for me, because it made me feel like work was more important than our family. The first appointment I could get in the evening was two days ago.

In the meantime she's started threatening me, that she plans to file for sole custody. This has put me in a tailspin of anxiety. I am filled with self doubt already, but now she is challenging my fitness to be a parent, because of the depression, and confrontational behavior that she largely caused.

Back in December my therapist  suggested I read a book about writing messages to high conflict people, called "BIFF". In the beginning it described some personality disorders associated with high conflict. The symptoms of Borderline seemed to be the closest to my Ex. As I read about it more and talked about it with my parents we realized that there is a high likely hood that she may have BPD. She had a really challenging up bringing. Her mother was a alcoholic and would frequently abandon her. Her father had drug dependency issues, and ended up being a convicted child molester, but was never really part of her life. She said that he never hurt her. She mentioned that when she was young, I can't recall the exact age, but maybe between 3-5  she refused to really talk, but was able to and schools sent her into counseling for it. This leads me to believe there was early childhood trauma that was never fully addressed.

Anyway, I started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I'm becoming more and more convinced she is a high functioning BPD. I think my moving out in October and November, sparked a major fear of abandonment and brought her BPD out of remission. To make matters worse, as I've read about this, I can see that some of the personality traits for BPD could apply to me, as well. My parents disagree, but they haven't really lived with me in 20 years, so it's hard to say for sure.


I mostly came here to get some insight into what other people are experiencing and try and see if I or my ex are BPD. Ultimately, I want to be a good father to my beautiful boy, but this situation is one of the lowest points of my life. I got off the phone with some understanding friends last night who heard my whole terrible saga, and they were very supportive. I'm sure I'll be able to move forward, but this is so difficult right now.
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khibomsis
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Grieving
Posts: 784


« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2021, 02:55:17 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) EZE, and welcome to he family! I feel for you and what you are going through! It is a tough situation. I think, given that you have a child, that you will get better advice posting on the Conflicted board. The people there have a lot of experience and can advise you well on custody matters and legal aspects.

Doesn't sound to me like you have BPD, on these boards we say that the mere fact that you are capable of asking that question makes it unlikely. PwBPD are unlikely to have that level of insight into themselves. To me it sounds like you are basically sane person being driven mad by circumstances.
Take good care of yourself, focusing on simple things like diet, exercise and mindfulness. It is a long haul, but you will make it. We are here for you.
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