Managing Your own friendships when you have a child with BPD

[Flora and Fauna]

I am curious about navigating friendships with friends whose children are typical, i.e. don’t have BPD.

My 17-year-old  BPD daughter it’s on the one hand doing fairly well, lately. Longer intervals between self harming, got accepted  to the college she really wanted to attend. She’s finishing up high school now, yet our lives are/will likely be filled with more twists and turns and drama than the average person. For example three weeks ago, she blew up at me when I had to tell her no. It was ugly. We’ve since moved past it, but if a friend heard of how she spoke to me, they’d likely be appalled, naturally.

She’s had three hospital stays since she was 14, with the last being  this past October. For me- Reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in a while or making  new friends seems a little nerve-racking to me. I’m not one to over share, yet if I’m going through a particularly trying time, it’s normally the kind of thing you’d share with a friend. I guess I’m concerned about judgment about my daughter’s  mood disorder.

I feel confident that my husband and I have done everything possible to help her, and continue to do so-and she’s progressed “well” because of it.

Have any of you had  trouble re: friends’ judgment, about you or your child?

How have you navigated this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Flora and Fauna,

What you are describing is a challenge for all of us, I believe.

It is very difficult for people with relatively healthy brains to understand mental health issues.    A friend of mine who I thought I could confide in since she has been through all of this with her brother still made an off-the-cuff statement to me regarding my son saying something like "when he grows up" and I thought wow.  Her brother used to be a very successful real estate agent and lately in his 50s looks more like a homeless person.   She has watched him "grow down" just like I am seeing my son "grow down".   What I mean is that my son was so much more mature at 15 years old than he is now in his early 30's.

Well meaning people and friends most often cannot comprehend why their parenting styles would not work on our children and they assume that we have not tried them.

This is why so many of us come here.  This is where we can vent and learn and talk to others who "get it".

I encourage you to have friends again.   I have many friends and I try to remember not to discuss my family issues with them.   No drama Mama.   When I get together with my friends it's about smiling and having a good time.   The odd time one will ask about my son and I will be honest and say something like - well it's a roller coaster.  Right now he's okay (or not okay) but the roller coaster keeps moving.  I keep it short.   Friends can be a great escape from what we are dealing with at home.  We need that!

All the best,

R

[Flora and Fauna]

That makes sense...I’ve recently started seeing a therapist-on an as-needed basis, for support. I guess I’m seeing that you get different things from different people. Not to say a friend could never be a sounding board or provide comfort...but maybe the sounding board in this case could be this site and a therapist, and other parts of life (to include fun/escapism and the more “common” travails of life) can be with friends. 

Working out how to do that and not feel inauthentic.  This is kind of new...along with working on radical acceptance.

I have at least learned how to talk to family who tend to forget my daughter’s experience. A relative expressed  jealousy over my daughter being allowed to bring her cat to College. I get it, it’s pretty special. We jumped through a lot of hoops to get that accommodation.  So to the shut that family member down, I said, “yes, nothing like my daughter  having a profound mental illness and Tourette’s (yep, that too)  to get her way, huh?” I looked directly at them and smiled. I admit to having a deep sense of satisfaction in seeing the family member squirm, and caught of guard by my response.

[Sancho]

I agree with everything Resilient has said. I don't have friends at home any more. So many people can't help themselves and interfere in some way or another.

I do understand BPD is a very difficult thing to understand and I think R's comment that they don't understand that their parenting methods just don't work with BPD.

I also have a set response to any enquiry: It's either 'Up and down a bit' or Struggling a bit. This works okay because I keep hold of the conversation and ask them something.

Years ago I decided it was impossible to deal with BPD d as well as all the 'advice' from friends. I had to spend more energy defending her!

So I meet up when I can for coffee and a chat and that is good 'time out' for me.

I come and vent here - I know everyone 'gets it' here.

[zachira]

It is always surprising to me who gets it when you have a family member with BPD, who has empathy and tries to understand, and those who don't. Probably the first step in managing your friendships when you have a  child with BPD is disclosing very little about your child until you see how your potential friend responds. Though most people seem to be uncomfortable discussing mental illness, those that do, can be incredibly kind and caring, and you certainly don't want to miss out on those people because of how rewarding it is to have real friends.
Your daughter is very lucky to have you.

[JD2028]

Everyone I'm close to has been very accepting of "I don't really want to talk about it"

I pick and choose when and to whom I say this. I have a sister that loves me very much but has no clue whats going on and seems to always say the wrong thing. I have another sister that I have to stop myself from talking her ear off. I have to be careful I don't lean on my 16yo too much when we are commiserating and I have to be aware of the my husbands limits because he is very much the type to give himself an ulcer because he can't actually do anything.

And now I have you guys. Thank you. 

I am trying to spread my misery around the support network so I don't overburden anyone individual. I forget who I told what though . That kinda sucks

[beatricex]

Hi Flora and Fauna,
Great question.

I have a stepdaughter with suspected BPD, and a mother with clear BPD/NPD mental issues (she is also severly OCD and a hoarder, things you can easily point out).  I found it easier to talk to friends about the stepdaughter.  If they offer advice, and the good hearted "have you tried this or that" or the infamous "I have a step mom, I hated her at first!  But, this is just phase...don't worry" I found it caused me some serious self doubt.

With my Mom, I don't have to talk to anyone about it, I know her, and I know what I know.  I can't unknow it.  End of discussion, I just pretend she's in another country at the moment, so as to avoid lines of questioning like "do your parent's ever visit you?"

But the step daughter is an entirely different level of ackwardness, and after testing it out - you know the close friendship stuff, I realized I'm way to uncomfortable talking about her to anyone.  It just feels like I'm abandoning her.

So now it's safe to say I don't discuss any mentally ill people in my family with my friends.  Like others have commented, they're for having fun with, that is my escape.

Let me know how it works out for you, I am very curious about the topic.

b