bpd daughter back home

[kitty1961]

My 33 year old daughter diagnosed with bpd has had to move back home.
She tried to live on her own 3-6 times but cant seem to manage.
We are having a very hard time, having her here is toxic, she is a dark presence and very angry with me (her mom) for her mental illnesses.
Sine Covid she has definitely gotten worse.

Short back story...
Diagnosed with BPD,  schizoaffective disorder,bipolar 1, drug abuse, bulimia, major depressive disorder and ptsd.
She has been in and out of treatment facilities since 13. She has been hospitalized 10 times, the last stint a few weeks ago.
On disability she does not work.
We have looked for housing for her but have not been successful finding anywhere we can afford.

I guess I'm reaching out because my daughter is gone, all we have is this shell of a person who we have no idea how to deal with no less live with.
There is nothing left for us to do, so how do we proceed with a life while she is living with us?

I appreciate any suggestions

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Kitty1961. It's true that people here understand - often the experience is just so similar!

I have had the same experience. Last year BPD d came home - so it's nearly a year now. The first few months were horrendous. Withdrawal from ice, rotting teeth, extraordinary abusive outbursts at me. Every second week her 10 year old daughter is with us.

Interestingly none of the outbursts are directed at her child. In fact, her daughter has far more difficulty with her step mum who seems to blame her for everything and generally make sure she is excluded from feeling part of that family!

How many people are in your household? Is your daughter on medication or does she have a doctor or therapist she sees regularly? Do you have a counsellor or therapist to guide you?

Not sure how I survived the first few months. I focused on the teeth issue - long painful story there. BPD  frequently screams about hating living in this hole but like you I have been there done that. She is not capable of looking after her own place and I end up with huge $$ loss.

Keep in touch and at the very least you can feel supported by those who understand the really awful situation you are in.

[kitty1961]

Hi Sancho,
Thank you for the kind words.
I can relate to the "rotting teeth". Years of braces and she wont brush her teeth or go to a dentist.
I too obsess on that particular issue which is ridiculous. considering the obvious.

My daughter is on a variety of meds, from Seraqual, buspar, neonton, a few more that I forget.
She speak to a therapist 1 x per week on the phone ( still in lock down here is CA)
Just me, her dad and her in the home.

I guess this is the new normal for us, not what we thought but this is it.
Why god, the universe or whomever decided who gets the good stuff and who gets the crap does this is beyond me.

She is our only child, I am angry, disappointed and still in disbelief that things can get as bad as they are.

Like your daughter Sanchez, our extended family is scared of her, she is never allowed to go to holidays etc.
So... we decline as well.
This is a very lonely way to be.

Sanchez, do you take care of her child? Are you close to your grandchild?

[Sancho]

Yes I have looked after the child on alternate weeks since she was a baby. Often her mum would be somewhere else, but now she is back here and that has been another major adjustment - her wanting to take over the mothering role (in bits and pieces), so I have to back off at those times and then move in again to be the parent.

I work 2 days a week and that helps - both financially and it gets me out and among other people.

As I say the first few months were dreadful. The teeth were causing extreme pain but her terror of dentists left me no choice than to find someone and have it all done under anaesthetic. Huge cost will be paying off for quite a while.

Since the GP she had all her life retired she has not connected with another - and I am really anxious that there will be some kind of crisis and I will have to deal with it without already having established medical support. I'm glad you had that in place.

Does the medication help your daughter stay calm? What is it like in your household now on a day to day basis?

I let DD put what she wants on my shopping list and she gets her own meals etc. I do have to do the kitchen but I do that each evening. She stays in her room - stays away 2 or 3 nights a fortnight now - it was a lot more. I have found that not initiating conversation is best for both of us - she is less abusive that way.

Lots of the time I would like to run away - but I'm trying - step by little step- to build a life within a life if I can.

[kitty1961]

The meds help with the bi polar but not the BPD.
I too have realized that by not having a lot of dialog or even engaging has saved me from a lot of grief .

It feels hard to have friendships, people dont understand.
 

[a2sj]

I have been in a similar situation with my diagnosed 30yo daughter. I just realized that I joined this site 10 years ago, which was about a year after she moved out.

She was diagnosed a few years before this. Suffers from BPD, eating disorder, alcoholism and drug addiction. She was raped around the age of 14 and we noticed some changes in her behavior but never told anyone about the this, even in family therapy until much later about the age of 19. This was right after her first suicide attempt.

We stayed in touch for the first few years after she moved out and she would occasionally visit. I'd also drive her to meet with attorneys and the courts to deal with her legal issues after she lost her license. Some were serious, but she did manage to stay out of prison. I have lost track of the number of times she was in rehab or residential psychiatric treatment. Often it was from one to another. She held a few jobs that lasted for over a year and was in a relationship with the same boyfriend for over five years. I would also go and collect her belongings and put them in storage after she would lose her apartments while in rehab or hospitalization.

About four years ago I stopped responding to her text messages and calls since she threatened me and other family members. Since then every few months I get a voice message from her while she is drunk or high with an attack on my parenting or behavior when she was young. She also recently informed me via pics and websites of her new career as a sex worker. She called the other day and demanded her dad back. I have chosen to not respond. I did all I could do when she was younger spending our last dime on her treatment.  But for my own peace of mind and safety I just had to let go.

[kitty1961]

Our stories are similar, I cant count how many times I have emptied her filthy apartments, cleaned them up and fixed the situations.

You are very very strong to not allow her in your life, I have tried but the guilt overruns me.

So far, she stays in her room, comes out for meals, showers occasionally and goes to a 12 step meeting ( this just started a few days ago)

I am waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for a confrontation or episode.
It will happen, it always does

[Sancho]

The 12 step program is good. I hope that leads to connecting with others who are trying.

When I was cleaning out BPDs broken down car yesterday so it could be carted away today I said to my friend who was with me 'BPD people live just in the moment - and then I come behind cleaning up the mess.' So glad I am not alone in this.

I am getting better though at being 'beside' and not 'engaged'. It has made a big difference. BPD d is in her room, gets her own food and comes and goes. I clean up when she is not around. I try to keep my mind on other things, and am able to do that a lot of the time now.

Stepping back has opened the door for me to feel compassion for her again - sometimes anyway!

[a2sj]

I tried a 12 step program after one of her therapists recommended that we look for help "letting go". I only went to a few Al-Anon meetings before I was handed a small booklet that was a photocopy of a photocopy. It had a list of things to say to end a confrontation/conversation with a family member with a problem. Several were pretty short  (e.g., goodnight, I'm going to go, bye, just hang up, etc. etc.).

When I get a message from her that is working the guilt angle I just think back to how we tried everything we could and spent all we had on getting help for her. She never seemed to take it very seriously. Some docs would even say things about how they would not be surprised to see her back before too long.

My frustration is more with the lack of new discovery's in science since this began for us. I wish we had a international science program to unlock the mystery's of the brain down to the molecular level similar to the Human Genome Project or the mission to the moon in the 1960's. Nearly one in five U.S. adults live with a mental illness. When will we start to take this seriously? Progress just seems very very slow.

[kitty1961]

Hi Sancho,
She will go to 12 step then go get high.
So far she is abiding by our rules which are to keep her room clean and NO eating in it.
Meal times here are o.k., we try to be the "normal " family  for the 15 min of eating dinner
Its ridiculous but once i let her eat in her room its all over.
Seems like a silly thing to be concerned about  - I suppose I want some kind of control.

[kitty1961]

I also did the Al-onon A2SJ,
I found it to be not helpful at all.
If you share all they tell you to do it pray and let go of your loved one.

Its just not that simple. We are humans with  empathy and feelings.

I too wish there was more science to help people with SMI

I also wish regualr or low income people had better care and choices.
Who on earth can afford Marsha Linehan treatment center in Boston?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[a2sj]

I only went to a few Al-Anon meetings in total. It was enough for me to see what they had to offer. It works for many but it wasn't something for me. I won't go on about my thoughts on the invisible angry man in the sky.

Letting go was also the recommendation from her therapist at the time as well as a family therapist that we had all seen for years previously.

I understand the reluctance since it was something that I would not have even considered possible for me at the time.

[Sancho]

I think it's great that you have a couple of rules that your daughter is keeping. If her room is okay that will help her too. Mine eats etc in hers and it gets - well you know! I just go in a do a clean up when she is not there.

I agree about the lack of neurological information about this serious illness, and also the lack of treatment options for people with just regular amounts of money. So many people here have commented they have used up all there savings - or even gone into debt.

[kitty1961]

Lets see how long the rules last, she is a very strong willed young woman and I am just beat.