Breaking out of the triangle with BPD sister

[Ouch9999]

Hello friends,
I've been reading a lot about the victim-rescuer-persecutor triangle and am ready to stop playing my role with my BPD sister. But I'm struggling with the mechanics of it!

This past year I've finally recognized the pattern of her lashing out and being emotionally abusive and manipulative, and then trying to pretend nothing is wrong and that everything is wonderful. I'm done. I can't go 'no contact' yet because of our aging parents, but I would like to be 'low contact.' But predictably, she is not happy with this.

She sent flowers yesterday, to which I responded with a text saying "thank you for the flowers." When she replied with "I hope you have a Happy Easter," I responded with "you too." (I'm trying to be emotionally detached but also responsive.) This was enough to set her off. Now I have a string of texts of her accusing me of being "cold" and "cryptic" and demanding that I explain to her why I'm being this way.

Last summer when she was being abusive, I responded with the recommended "I recognize your perspective, and my perspective is different" and it seemed to work well- she stopped attacking and went away for a while. But I don't think that approach will work this time. It doesn't seem that I can just ignore her, as much as I want to. And I'm doubting myself, too. Am I being cold? I don't think I'm doing anything excessively cold...but in the past I would have responded with "THANK YOU FOR THE FLOWERS!" followed by emojis, I instead just said "thank you for the flowers." I know that BPDs are sensitive and will pick up on something as subtle as punctuation, but I also don't think I'm being unreasonable by replying with just straightforward words?

I know that transitioning to a "new normal" of me not playing into her is going to be difficult. I'm trying to feel my way, but I'm struggling. How do I respond this time? Would really appreciate some input!

Thanks in advance!

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you dealing with a BPD sister. I have a brother with BPD and my mother had BPD. In my experience, the best response is no response, as your response will most likely be used against you no matter what it is. What kind of boundaries do you think you need to have with your sister and your parents? Low contact can be many things, from only having email contact, to never being alone in person with your sister. Does you sister act differently when other people are present who she wants to look good in front of? There are many members who understand your challenges with your sister, as they too have a close family member with BPD. Welcome to PSI, while sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

[Ouch9999]

Thank you for your response, zachira.

You pose some great questions that I need to figure out. I would like to only contact my sister via text and not be alone with her, and not have her over my house or babysitting my 2-year old, which she will be very upset about. But I don't want her to have the power over my daughter that she has had over me. As for my parents, I have a good and very loving relationship with them, except when they are the "rescuers" to my sister being "victim" and me being "persecutor." Then things are awful, and I'm afraid that is inevitable. But I'm so sick of being bullied and manipulated that I need to try this.

By now I shouldn't be surprised that there is an option to simply not respond. It's funny (in a sad way) that even after all these years, I don't consider that an option. But it is, and actually, it's a fantastic one because I can just move on with life, especially since I don't have time for this! I know I shouldn't focus on the 'what if' scenarios but...I guess I have trouble believing it would actually work? Like I think that not responding will just pour gasoline on this fire. Maybe I could just acknowledge her text with a "I'd like some time to think about this" and then not get back to her? I read the piece about extinction bursts https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.msg847610#msg847610 and it sounds like there is a very good chance that she would just forget about this instance and I wouldn't actually have to keep going with all this...?

[Em9321]

I am I so sorry to hear about the stress your sister has caused you and your family. I too have a sister with Borderline (presumably) and in almost every situation it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. I have found when she texts me something upsetting or nasty, not responding or engaging has been better for me. If i say anything back it immediately escalates and she never stops. The attack continues and makes things worse for me. I think limiting contact as much as possible is your best bet, though difficult to do sometimes.

[Methuen]

 

I responded with "you too." (I'm trying to be emotionally detached but also responsive.) This was enough to set her off. Now I have a string of texts of her accusing me of being "cold" and "cryptic" and demanding that I explain to her why I'm being this way.

This is emotional bullying.   I don’t respond to this kind of thing.  Yes, so it’s a change from all the punctuation you used to include.  So what.  You are entitled to punctuate however you like.  If you respond to this, I am inclined to think it would send the message that she is the boss of you, which is not what you want.  By bullying you, she is demanding you make her feel better, but that is not your job.  Give her as much time as she needs to self soothe, and maybe skip the extra punctuation or emoticons from now on to be more consistent.   If she questions it, be nonchalant and say you’ve dropped that with everyone you text, so she doesn’t think shes being singled out.  Maybe your simplifying your life.  

No you are not being cold at all. Your responses are perfectly normal and healthy.  She has you brainwashed into thinking you are responsible for her  feelings. Its ok if she’s uncomfortable- sounds to me like she needs more practice at soothing herself.  You’ve made a change, so now she’s pushing back.  The only thing you can control is how you respond.  Personally, I would be inclined to ignore it.  If you must respond, try sending neutral simple texts at a different time on a different topic.  Eg the dog learned a new trick today! But don’t respond to the emotional bullying, is my thought...

[beatricex]

Hi Ouch9999,
Sorry to hear about your sister.  I think the patterns in our dysfunctional families are deeply ingrained.

I find myself a lot of the time wondering "if a stranger treated me this way, would I initiate a dialogue with them or walk away."  Sadly, a lot of the time the answer is "walk away" but, we cannot do that so easily with our family members.

I think the roles we play, and the dance we do with our dysfunctional family members is extremely difficult to break out of.  It's good that you can see your part, and that you can see your parents' part and your sister's part.  The first step toward healing is to recognize what is going on.

I found I was stuck in this recognizing step for most of my adult life.  I am almost 50 and am just now realizing that the key to healing is to walk away.  Mentally, physically, whatever it takes.  Flowers?  If I did send them to my sister, they'd be dead. 

But that would be seeking revenge.  ha ha

I think you're doing great, and remember to give yourself a little break, because we are kinder to ourselves then they will ever be to us.
 
b

[Ouch9999]

Wow, thank you everyone for your support. I know ignoring it is the right thing to do based on everything I've read and studied, but it's that little voice ingrained in my head (like you said, beatricex) that makes me doubt. Checking in with others here helps keep me on track! And for the record, I am not responding.

Methuen, you're absolutely right that it's emotional bullying. And I resent her thinking she's the boss of me! (My next step is to address my anger  )  I know the road ahead will be hard, but I can't go back to playing the game now that I know what's really going on. I just wish my parents understood or at least respected my point of view.

Thinking about how I would respond to anyone else if they treated me this way is a big help. Or thinking what I would tell a friend if they were in this position. Funny how much easier it is to believe it's ok to walk away when I think of it that way.

Thanks all!

[zachira]

It is so normal to want to respond, to be seen and heard. Knowing that responding to your BPD sister is not going to work, and overcoming the desire to do so are two different challenges. I can't think of anything more hurtful than being treated as if you were invisible by close family members. I find two things work especially well for me in processing the hurt. One is to sit with the feelings until they go away. Sometimes the hurt is too overwhelming, and then I need to distract myself with something I enjoy doing. Being treated as if you are invisible by close family members is a life long sorrrow, and something we need to grieve from time to time, though less and less as we move on. Be patient with yourself, as you build yourself a strong foundation that helps you to feel secure in who you are while recognizing there will always be moments of immense sorrow about not being loved and respected the way you deserve by members of your family.