Question for all

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter is 33 and cant not work or manage her life.
Is this a huge manipulation? or does anyone else have people in their life who do absolutely nothing?

Does anyone have people who use their BPD to not be a functioning person?

[kitty1961]

My daughter is 33 and cant not work or manage her life.
Is this a huge manipulation? or does anyone else have people in their life who do absolutely nothing?

Does anyone have people who use their BPD to not be a functioning person?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome and yes, this is common.  I think may not be conscious manipulation- their  brains truly can't work through some stuff like the normals.    Even to work, there are many moving parts: the being organized enough mentally to look for a job.  Being able to handle the rejection of not getting the job you want, etc.. Then once the job is gotten, there is a whole bunch of stuff, like knowing / learning how to work with others/ with the supervisor/ under pressure,etc...  My adult son "exploded" out of a few jobs , meaning he had very public meltdowns where he was fired.   .  However, with my adult son, he wouldn't get help ,nor at least see about getting disability ( his BPD was co morbid with other mental illness).  Others here will chime in. Meanwhile take a look around this forum/ the pull down menu tabs, etc. There is also suggested reading in this forum's library .  These may help to understand BPD a bit more.   Please write back as you are able.

[kitty1961]

Thank you for your reply. My daughter also has other mental illnesses.
After dealing with this for 25 years I suppose I'm still in some kind of denial.

I see people on this site who talk about their loved ones with BPD working etc..

I thought with as much treatment as we've offered she would be higher functioning.

We were able to get her on disability which is a bit helpful, I just wish she actually had a "life"

Such a sad life for our loved ones and for us

[a2sj]

Some are able to work more-so than others. In my daughters situation she could hold a job for a year or two at most before something happened that involved hospitalization, rehab or the courts.

[wavewatcher]

Our 26ddBPD currently is not working, and I don't see that changing in the near future.  Her anxiety, people skills limitations, and victim complex usually derail her when she does have a job so they never last more than 6-8 months. We financially support her, primarily me because I earn more money, and I'm having to accept that at 68 I will probably never completely retire because she will eat through my retirement. My husband has none.  She does have her own place, which is the only way I can stay sane, so I pay her rent and bills. She's in therapy, and I support that, gladly. My husband thinks she'll change; I live in reality.  She has made big steps in that she is no longer physically violent or abusing alcohol, but one wrong word and I am the worst mother in the world again. I love and care about her and do my best to give her emotional support and not trigger her.  I'm accepting that we will probably always be financially supporting her to a great extent. So I take care of myself and do what I can to bring joy into my life.

[kitty1961]

I have been supporting my 33 year old daughter for many years. She worked a bit from 18-20. Then a huge decline
When we did get her apts (about 7) I would pay all her rent and bills as well just to keep her away from us.
This last time she went for 5 lengthy hospitalizations, I went to her place and realized she in no way can manage living on her own.
The filth was unbearable.
After her hospital stint I let her know she was not going back to her own place, I thought she would be upset but almost seemed relieved.

I wonder what will become of her after we are dead? She is not capable of much and it seems like a trend on this site that a lot of people with dual diagnosis are in the same boat