Looking for advice/help/suggestions, or any other synonym that works.

[Shoes2000]

Hello,

My wife has a number of emotional/psychological/physical issues for most of her life.  When we got married, I knew some of it (my knowledge of the history of abuse has grown through the years), and thought I could handle it.

Here is a probably incomplete list:

- PTSD from sexual abuse (the list of abusers has grown over the years as she remembers them)
- acute anxiety/panic attacks
- clinical depression
- epilepsy
- Functional Neurological Symptom Disorder
- Possible Dissociative Personality Disorder

Because of seizures she has been home-bound for better than 7 years (imagine all the quarantine mental issues going on now, but multiply by 7).  She has pushed away her siblings and kids (grown) with her anger/sadness/suicidal behaviors.  She is currently in therapy for Dissociative Personality Disorder, PTSD, Panic, and Depression.

The kids are in therapy because of it.  One of their therapists said that it looked like we were dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder, and suggested that she read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  She told me about the book, I read it, and yes, it does describe my wife.  Black and White ways of thinking... If you don't agree with her, you are against her...  Feelings are facts...  Suicidal thoughts and expressions...  Immediate mood swings, mid conversation...  Heavy medicinal herbal use...  Missing time, just to name a few.

At first I thought she was bi-polar, and said so to her...  BIG MISTAKE!

I have said nothing about BPD, or the book, or the kids thoughts to her.  I have tried using some of the techniques suggested, and they might work 20% of the time.  She has had enough therapy over the years to see through a lot of it and she is whip-smart.

She is a very emotional person with incredible empathic abilities (Human lie detector, and a very good one).  She is very much on the "feeler" scale (MBTI = INFJ).  I am NOT a feeler (MBTI = INTP-A), and that often gets me in trouble with her because we just can't see where the other is coming from.

She knows something is afoot because I have changed my tactics some (per the eggshells), and this has made our relationship even worse.  I don't know who I am waking up to...  I have to sit in the car for a few minutes after work to prepare myself for, who knows what?  It is taking a toll on me.  I have MY first therapy session in a couple of weeks, but I fear it might just be too late.

Help?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Therapy for you is an outstanding idea. It’s so stressful to be in a relationship with a BPD spouse.

Yes, I’m also married to a spouse who is very attuned to feelings. I’m an INTJ and he’s an INFP. When I first began using some of the tools we teach here, he was very attuned to the verbal patterns and mocked and mimicked me. But over time, I’ve learned to integrate them and use them in my own language and now he doesn’t even notice.

One of the easiest things to do, which is subtle, but has a big impact on reducing the conflict is to learn not to invalidate. Here’s a helpful article:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[pursuingJoy]

Shoes2000, it's never too late to start healing. Counseling may be a great resource for you, provided you find a good one! It can be really exhausting to be in a relationship with pwBPD so it's really important for us nons to be intentional about taking care of ourselves and finding support.

I second the link Cat Familiar shared - definitely check it out and let us know what you think!

pj