submission ivan

[ivanc]

I am in a 30 plus relationship with a partner with bpd. her bpd is getting better but I am not . I am suffering deep depression and struggling with suicidal thoughts . I am seeing a therapist and my mental health is under control but it takes a lot of energy to keep it there . her bpd is combined with heavy alcohol use and verbal abuse and although this too has lessened I find it hard to escape the feeling of lack of worth that the abuse generated. I sometimes think it would be best if I left but think how can I leave a mentally ill partner - and yet often she is sane and delightful

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Being in a relationship with a BPD partner often leads to depression. It’s not easy as you well know. And 30 years of verbal abuse and dealing with someone who is an alcoholic is a lot! 

You say she is getting better, but what are some of the issues you deal with when she’s not?

[ivanc]

it is very difficult to talk about these things . I have been doing therapy for the last 5 years but very effectively for the last 2 years . but except for therapy and one friend I have never said anything - particularly in a public forum - it seems disloyal to talk , criticise my partner in a public forum - but I need help and most importantly I need to know I am not alone - well the verbal abuse used to be very frequent 2-3 times a week but thankfully it has dropped right off . the last bad time was at Christmas . we went to Canberra to visit my daughter . things were tense and not known to my partner - my daughter insisted that we sleep  away from her flat as she did not her mum there after she drank alcohol.  every day there were arguments - from 23/12 to 1/1 . I do not normally keep records but I did this time to have a record of my own experience . they started from relatively minor things - arguments about how to navigate in a new city but they escalated out of scale with the initial trigger . I pleaded with her to lower the pressure , that the arguments were too much for me . on Christmas day just before we entered my daughters house she made snide comments on my depression. over Christmas dinner I did not completely agree with a point she made - that night after we left there was a terrible argument about me criticising her in front of the children.  a few days later I was at low ebb after another argument and struggling with depression . she leaned over-me very aggressively and demanded why was I punishing  - what right did I have to sulk and demanded I pull out of it .  she will not accept my emotions and responses and it leaves me questioning myself . in that period she wrote to my therapist and criticised my behaviour and denied my experience and ccd me . unfortunately this has happened before - her late night emails have caused rifts with my family and friends . but it is not so simple - without triggering and alcohol she can be my best friend - but my sense of self and even my understanding of events is so confused by her denial

[Cat Familiar]

First of all, you are here to learn strategies to make things better in your relationship. Sharing the issues you are dealing with is not a betrayal in any way.

One of the issues with people who have BPD is that they are boundary busters. It is completely inappropriate for her to criticize your struggle with depression.

Knowing that she is likely to do that, you need a strategy to let that behavior affect you less. Here is an article that might be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[ivanc]

thanks cat - I will definitely look up mindfulness - I certainly meditate and it does help . last time I mentioned what happened recently - but it is all through the prism of what happened between year 5 and 25 of my marriage . there were two main things . my wife would and still does drink too much . we would be sitting together and suddenly my loving wife would change completely . she would with great precision go through my life and critique every bit - me as a husband, lover , parent - she would say if I loved I would stay and listen - this would happen two or three times a week in a bad period . she knows me very well and was absolutely expert at finding were I was most  vulnerable if I left to another room she would follow - if I left the house she would lock me out . generally there was no physical violence - but occasionally there was - I am six foot one and she is 5 foot two - so she would pumble my chest with her fists .  it did not really cause much physical damage  but it did emotionally

the other issues was about our love making - I always felt like it was a bit of a test . if I did not perform she would think I did not love . for a while all was good but then occasionally  I could not get erections and she would yell and scream and demean me . this increased my anxiety which increased the severity of her reactions .    

this effects stay with me and cause my depression and feeling of worthliness . so even though the arguments are now infrequent I find it hard to escape depression

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve experienced some extreme verbal abuse.    It’s no wonder you’ve got some PTSD, after what you’ve endured.

That she equated loving her with listening to devastating abuse, is something that needs to be untangled. I hope she isn’t still doing this?

[ivanc]

well its much less frequent 3-4 times a year at that high level but more at a lower level.  thanks for the response - it makes me feel validated because my partner rejected everything she did when drunk and discounted my right to feel sad I have sometimes thought I was crazy . It is really hard to cope with a reconcile a partner who can be brutal but also loving

I find these post quite triggering (from my side) but at least now I can talk about it