I snapped at my boyfriend's son

[capucino]

We've been together for 7 years and rarely fought. I'm also battling depression and I'm on antidepressants.

My boyfriend's adult son with bpd has been living with us for the last year. I have always been the middleman between him and his father up until three days ago. I have helped him through their fights at my expense.

Three days ago he got sick, and starting shouting at us. I snapped and screamed at him. I screamed "Enough!" for four times. Keep in mind, I have never once shouted to anyone in my life. In response, he started cursing and screaming like there was no tomorrow. Then, his father took him to the ER, and he got admitted to the hospital and had a small procedure. He is recovering right now. The cursing is still going on. We are both walking on eggshells not to see each other.

Since the depression, I'm sensitive to yelling, and I've been shivering constantly. I dosed up my medication, but it doesn't work that quickly. I've brought some almonds and water in the room. I have eaten less than a meal in three days. I got myself diapers, so I don't have to go to the bathroom. (They don't work as expected, I still have to use the bathroom). I'm drinking minimal water, so that I don't have to leave the room. I took a day of absence, and now I have so much to do for work, and I cannot focus. I'm taking daily therapy sessions instead of my regular one every three weeks.

I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he apologized to me over and over. He says "He's sick. I cannot change this behavior. But if you'd apologize, we'd be the same again in time". I'm not sorry for screaming at him, but I'm sorry for screaming at him while he was at his worst. But I'm willing to do apologize for my boyfriend's happiness, and relieving some tension at home. Poor guy's been caught in the middle, and doesn't know what to do. His son is not ready for an apology, either.

I'm also thinking moving out for some time. I'd have to scrape off of my savings for it, it would last only a month, and it would make his son hate me more. It wouldn't heal the relationship.

Let me add that I also don't have any patience to hear that everything's going to be alright or I'm not alone or I'm understood. Or any affirmation words. No sugarcoating please.

I just want to know with zero filter if you were me what you would do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi capucino,
Well, it's like you wrote your post for me to find it.  No sugar coating here, I don't do sugar coating very well.  I understand you are in semi-crisis and need real advice.

So, I have been in a similiar situation a few times.  Most recently, my adult stepdaughter wanted to move in with me and husband (then only my boyfriend).  Husband put foot down and said No (she has addiction issues and has been in trouble with the law).  I agreed.  Adult children living with a couple, when you are not the bio Mom, it just doesn't work.  She does not even have BPD.

Before that, I was married to someone who had a kid  from a previous marriage that lived with us part time so I know all about what you're going through, including the part about yelling at a kid.  Super uncomfortable.  I was also his savior (from his abusive dad, my ex husband), so know all about that too.  Also the depression part.

Here's the thing, you need to know in your heart if you can live like this.  An adult kid coming between two married people is no way to start a relationship.  Whether you love him, you love the kid, the kid loved you before this, whatever.

What do you really want in life?  I choose to walk away from my ex and it was the best thing I ever did.  I couldn't keep saving the kid from his dad, and guess what?  I'm not doing myself any favors being in a bad marriage.

Argument aside, do you love this man?  If so, do you want to step parent an adult?  Both or only one may be true.  Time for some soul searching my friend.
 
b

[capucino]

I've been thinking about leaving him a lot lately. But I want to clarify some points. The first is it's not the beginning of our relationship, we're engaged and had to postpone the wedding due to Covid. This part is not important, people get divorced all the time. The next is that his son hasn't always been like that, this was triggered by the pandemic conditions and its aftermath.

Still, these are not my main reasons for not having broken up yet. I left my job in my home country and moved to another country for him. He's my only friend, and without him, nobody will know even if I die. I also restarted a new career, and I'm not making enough money yet. For one more year, I'm financially dependent to my boyfriend.

[beatricex]

hi again capacino,
Thank you for clarifying.  In that case, it's probably not the right time to move out.  I don't think jumping from the frying pan to the fire is good for you.

If you can live with the situation that you will have some imperfect reactions to your stepson, and he will have some struggles with you, I don't think this will be a problem.  Lots of adults live with their parents (my own stepdaugher's exhusband for example), and it works for them.

My belief is I don't want my stepdaughter living with me.  But, your circumstance may be very different.

Please check back in here, I do care and you do have people looking out for you, despite how it feels.

Moving to anther country must be terribly difficult, and lonely.  I have moved to just another state, and felt that feeling so I know how it feels.
b

[Sancho]

I often read here about people apologising to a child/adult child when they have been pushed to their absolute limit by the child! It is something I can't really understand.

Here's how I read it: step child is unwell and very, very anxious. Often anxiety leads people to lash out at others. The fact that you had to say 'enough' four times shows that he just kept going.

You are clearly going through a tough time without all this, but do you think you can just 'let go' of this and go about your normal life routine?

If anyone should be apologising it should be your step son. He needs to look at why he was behaving that way and understand he was the cause of the issue between you.

I understand you are not in a position to leave at the moment - and in a way I think that is not so much the issue for you. This thing happening - I think - is the chance to start building more confidence in yourself, developing the ability to move past a traumatic happening when it is clear the problem is not you!

Don't take on board other people's yelling and cursing - I would be dead by now if I had done that. When things like you describe happen in my life I go through a thinking process:

What happened?
Did I do anything to start it?
If it happened again what would I do?

My advice? Go about your normal day and practise 'mindfulness' ie whatever you are doing, your mind is fully on that. Whenever your step son, or fear or negative thoughts come into your mind, close them off and focus on your life, what you are doing now, what you are going to do next.

Just how I would look at it  . . . . but everyone is different!

[capucino]

Thank you so much for the replies! They help really a lot.

I had talked to my therapist, and she proposed that I said "I"m glad you're feeling better". I couldn't do that. Not because I didn't want to, I'm rally glad he feels better. But I have been overwhelmed with a tangle of fear, anxiety, anger, confusion. It's been 5 days, we haven't talk to each other. He won't unless I apologize. Even then, he may not act well.

I haven't left my room for other than getting water/food, or going to the bathroom. I've been snacking for five days in my room. My boyfriends cooks things and invites me to eat some, but I can't go after the second bite. He had a short visit to someone, I showered in that time. Otherwise, I don't even shower. I bought body wipes and clean myself with them in the bedroom. I have a small desk in the bedroom, and I'm working there, too.

The thing about me, I grew up in a home with too much yelling. There was never physical violence, but it's made me sensitive to yelling. When someone yells, I just freeze, and avoid the person altogether. Aside from minor discussions, I've never had a fight with my boyfriend for seven years. That's why we love each other. This dynamic is new to me, and I'm totally frozen, disconnected, and avoidant.

He has been the same. He goes out only to bathroom and to eat. He's waiting the first step from me. If there is a confusion between his father and him, he'll think I'm fueling him against each other. I'm trying to stay out of his way, so that they're both comfortable, but I assume he interprets this as I'm being stubborn, and one-upping me.

 He will definitely not apologize or take responsibility, because he thinks he's right, and he was terribly sick at the moment. He also doesn't think he's gaslighting, which is something he constantly does. I shouldn't have lost it when he was sick. I could apologize for yelling at him at his worst, but I'm just frozen.

[beatricex]

Upon more reflection about your situation, I think it's up to your fiance to mend the fence here.

It's his kid, you're his fiance.  Going forward, you are going to need a way to work through this sort of thing.

Just thinking of my own situation with my suspected BPD'd step daughter and what our marriage counselor said to us.  He said, paraphrasing of course, that my husband made a commitment to me, and WE need to come first in the marriage.

This is not on you to fix, future hubby needs to kick it in.  If the expectation is that you will apologize first, uhm, I would put my foot down and say "sorry, I think you need to ask him to apologize to me."

Just what I would do, given you are going to live with this adult child goind forward.  Some ground rules are in order and #1 should be how he treats You.  Also, show a united front you are the parents (another suggestion from my own marriage counselor).

Remember it's OK to be assertive and ask for what you want. Assuming that's what you want, of course.
 
b

[capucino]

Some aftermath if the incident. It's almost been one month. We've been avoiding each other like the plague. I'm traumatized and I don't leave the bedroom except for the bathroom. I've lost my appetite, and I keep a stash of snacks in case if I feel like fainting. I keep my water in the bedroom. I keep working in the same room, until bf comes to bed for sleeping.

My bf asked me to help with his work a couple of times, and I went to the living room for an hour or so. It filled me with so much anxiety that I had to come back to the bedroom.

In the meantime, I had some health problems. I have some ovarian cysts, and it has been causing some bleeding and pain. I spent some of my savings on medical expenses.

I've been meeting with my therapist every week, and it's going fine, but it's not solving any crisis.

I offered my bf to leave, to move out but we could still keep the relationship. He said "If you leave because of him, can you imagine how much I will hate him for it ad how much angry I will get with him" and I couldn't say "It's not my problem".

Today is his birthday, and I sent him a text wishing him a happy birthday as an olive branch.

My heart is pounding and I am having a shortness of breath.

To be honest, the thing is how much I hate being confined in the room, I am also kind of glad that I don't have to see or hear him.