Trying to decipher what’s true

[Ash43]

Hi am New here. Hubs is a person with BPD and after reading stop walking on eggshells I think it’s a possibility some NPD traits. There have been several stressful incidents over the last few years and during a discussion he told me that he might be starting feeling for a coworker since they have fun and laugh together and he talks with her about everything basically an emotional affair if not something more. He states this is my fault because I don’t give him all the attention and haven’t been as available sexually. Without being specific there is a lot going on between deaths and medical issues plus taking care of two small children so I did say it’s been difficult but I thought he understood why. I’m unsure why I’m being blamed for him acting outside the marriage here and I wonder if I’m being told the whole truth about it. This person from work texts him at all hours over weekend etc and he claims it’s about work. He’s been making demands on me and I’m wondering if I should agree to some things or if this is a fools errand and I’m being played

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ash43]

I want to add that I love my hubs and am trying to figure it out. I did tell him that I felt it was inappropriate for him to have these deep emotional conversations with the coworker and then come home and have surface conversations with me, that is unfair to say we “lost” our emotional connection if we’re not communicating effectively. I’m just trying to see if it’s possible I’m not being given the whole truth and should I probe more once things are calmer. My own ADHD is being thrown in my face he tells me I “forget everything and never remember anything at all “. Struggling with my own stuff while trying to be there for him is difficult

[wish_list]

the blaming game sounds so familiar. DH would go to topless bars and those happy ending massage places and blame me for going there, because I was unavailable to him. Apparently raising two children, having a full time job, dealing with health issues and handling his mood swings was not keeping me busy enough..

They do have a tendency for risky behavior and above-normal levels of attention, so maybe that person at work is giving him that and it makes him feel good.  BPD are also on some level dopamine-seekers so they get high on such things for a little while and then things fall apart.

[Ash43]

Yes it’s difficult being blamed for everything and they don’t seem to see their own role in the problem that they blame you for. A friend said he’s probably showing her all his best and so she’s seeing him as this perfect guy. I’m hoping I was clear enough that I don’t accept this emotional type affair . I’m willing to work on my part of getting reconnected and I need the same. Is it possible to achieve that though?

[Diddle]

Ash43

After reading many many posts on here it took me a long time to realise that I needed to have confidence in my own thoughts and memories, and not to let my hubbie convince me otherwise, I know this isn't as easy for someone with ADHD. But he is manipulating you, and once I started standing up for myself, and telling my hubs that I was certain what he was saying isn't true he was less likely to carry on arguing with me - sometimes. I find I need to be very conscious of what he's saying, and try and remember as much as I can in case its brought up again. I even make notes.
Stay as strong and true to yourself as you can, its ok to feel consideration, kindness and loyalty to him, but never at the expense of yourself.

[Ash43]

Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. Taking notes may be a good idea ! The “always “ “never” statements are so hard to deal with because they are flatly untrue. I’m working very hard in setting boundaries as well which is also difficult. He’s threatened to leave me & the kids so many times I’ve even prepared myself for if one day he really does. Is this something that happens often or is it more like “testing”?

[Diddle]

Ash43

The threats to leave are worded differently here. HwBPD has never said he's leaving, he throws the "I can't carry on like this, do you want a divorce" sentence at me all the time, over big arguments to me forgetting to buy something on the shop 

It feels like he's putting the decision in my hands, so he hasn't;t made it. I've told him if he wants to leave he can, he says he can't afford it, every time, and that if he could he would. Then he shifts back randomly to never wanting to really do that.

Its hard to keep up.