Advice for recontacting pwBPD ex after saying the wrong things

[Makava]

So I am looking for advice on reconnecting with a relatively recent ex who I feel quite certain has quiet BPD. I'm not 100% sure if I want to reconnect to be friends or try to rekindle things -- I will need to feel things out -- but either way I know I would like to restore some lines of communication with her.

Backstory:

I met my ex late fall. It was a fabulous relationship from the start. I recognize now that some of this was her excitement and likely idealization of me, but I was also intensely attracted to her personality and sense of humor before the relationship began, and still am. I think she's an objectively interesting and unique person, which is why I'm so interested in maintaining contact.

For several months the relationship seemed to be going exceptionally well. We spent a huge amount of time together and made significant plans for the future.

At the time I was unaware of BPD. But there were many signs that I now recognize as completely characteristic of quiet BPD. To be clear, she was never abusive in any way; she was kind and caring and empathetic.

In the final week or two of the relationship, a little over a month ago, something clearly changed. She stopped replying to my texts as frequently or wanting to spend as much time together. She made a few strange (mild) criticisms of me, very out of place for her. Finally, she said she wanted to slow things down. Her behavior during this period was strange -- at the time, I thought maybe she'd cheated on me -- I became quite upset. Over the course of several emotional days I said I'd felt misled, worried that she'd been love-bombing me (I didn't understand the gravity of this term, not really knowing about BPD), worried that she'd used me for affection or sex, and wondered if she would rather date someone who didn't like her quite as much. I regret pretty much all of this -- in context, I think it was an understandable reaction to strange shift in behavior, but it was too intense and accusatory and it pushed, I now believe, basically all of her trust triggers at once.

Unsurprisingly she wanted to break up. When she came to collect her things, she was flat and disassociative. She said she wasn't angry, just disappointed. I asked her repeatedly why this had happened so fast, and if she hadn't meant the incredibly loving things she'd said only days before. She seemed confused, didn't seem to fully remember those things. She admitted she might have said some stuff that led me on but said she felt she had been "caught up in the moment." She said I shared a large portion of the blame with my hurtful words. She also said she didn't believe we were compatible, bizarre in light of the preceding months. She was quite insistent that she not take several gifts and cards I'd given her -- things she'd been thrilled to receive several days earlier -- which may have been the most hurtful part of the breakup for me. I asked if she felt like she could change her mind and she said "I can't predict the future."

I was heartbroken but also intensely confused. I've sent her a few messages -- one the next day, apologizing for my comments (unresponded to). Another attempt to contact her to talk about the breakup -- nothing aggressive or unfriendly -- led her to say she'd made her peace and wanted boundaries. At that time I also sent her an email saying that I wanted her to know that she was a special, vibrant, caring person, regardless of what happened (also unresponded to).

Only after this point did I discover BPD, while searching for some sort of explanation. It was a shock to realize that so much of what I'd experienced was actually textbook BPD behavior, albeit quiet BPD. It made me realize that my approach to reconnecting, which had been pretty intense and emotional, was the complete opposite of what it needed to be. I've not contacted her since.

While I'm aware her (presumed) condition is not curable, it doesn't frighten me now that I understand better where she might be coming from. She is high-functioning, with a number of strong, deep friendships. (She does have one friend who she broke ties with last year, in another unnoticed warning sign.) She is close friends with her previous (and recent!) ex from long-term relationship, and she is clearly aware of some of the unhealthy thought patterns with relationships, noting several times with me when she was having thoughts she worried were "toxic." She also is trying to receive treatment (although for bipolar, which might be comorbid or misdiagnosed). I recognize that there's a very good chance she started dating someone else, or other people, immediately after our breakup, and while of course that doesn't feel great, it doesn't horrify me or anything like that.

The problem is, I think my confused behavior at the end of the relationship might have pushed a lot of triggers for her and put us in a place where recontact is difficult. When I last emailed her, I said I'd respect her boundaries; I meant it. But if there's a way to respectfully rebuild the bridge, I'd like to.

My question is if there's any good way to go about recontacting her (with the obvious caveat that there's no guaranteed strategy). My instinct is to send her a brief, nice note just saying hi, and say if she's ever willing to get coffee I'd be glad to do so, with as little pressure as possible. I am 100% confident in my ability to be calm, stable, and friendly, now that I have more knowledge about what's probably going on inside her head. Ideally I'd like to communicate this with a voicemail or even a snapchat video, so I can convey calmness and kindness in my tone, since she seems to be seeing me in a suspicious light. (I of course would not mention BPD or try to revisit the breakup itself.) But I don't quite know what to say, or even how long to wait.

And on the other hand, I worry that doing this too soon might push her farther away. But she also seems to have built up a rather false narrative of the relationship, and I worry that leaving her with that narrative could ruin any hope of future reconciliation.

Does anyone have any advice?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[once removed]

ouch.

this sounds like the ending of a few of my relationships. its a real whammy. im glad you found us.

I asked her repeatedly why this had happened so fast, and if she hadn't meant the incredibly loving things she'd said only days before. She seemed confused, didn't seem to fully remember those things. She admitted she might have said some stuff that led me on but said she felt she had been "caught up in the moment."

this is one of the most challenging things about loving someone with bpd traits, or being broken up with by someone with bpd traits. they (generally) are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over emote. we talk here a lot about how we are one minute the greatest person in the world, and the next, we are the worst.

in probably every relationship ive ever been in, ive told the girl something like "youre the most beautiful girl in the world". of course, it was exaggerated, but thats not to say i didnt mean it at the time, or that i said it to be manipulative. it was an expression of my feelings.

if any of those girls came up to me, all these years later, and asked me if i still felt that way, it would be bizarre. of course i dont. as powerfully as i meant it at the time, it would be weird if i still felt that way, right?

this is sort of how it can be for someone with bpd traits, just far more extreme. thats why she reacted how she did. and i can imagine how very confusing and hurtful it would be for you.

In the final week or two of the relationship, a little over a month ago, something clearly changed. She stopped replying to my texts as frequently or wanting to spend as much time together. She made a few strange (mild) criticisms of me, very out of place for her. Finally, she said she wanted to slow things down. Her behavior during this period was strange -- at the time, I thought maybe she'd cheated on me -- I became quite upset. Over the course of several emotional days I said I'd felt misled, worried that she'd been love-bombing me (I didn't understand the gravity of this term, not really knowing about BPD), worried that she'd used me for affection or sex, and wondered if she would rather date someone who didn't like her quite as much. I regret pretty much all of this -- in context, I think it was an understandable reaction to strange shift in behavior, but it was too intense and accusatory and it pushed, I now believe, basically all of her trust triggers at once.

do you still think that she was cheating?

[Makava]

It's sort of layered answer, but not really. I think there probably was some stuff going on in her life I didn't/still don't know about, and I overreacted because I couldn't explain why her feeling seemed to be shifting so abruptly.

[once removed]

it may have been a bit heavy handed as you said.

if youre kicking yourself for that being the nail in the coffin of your relationship, that would be unusual several months in. if youd been dating a month or two, sure.

as far as reaching out to her, when is the last time that you did? are the two of you friends on social media or anything like that?

[Makava]

I last emailed her 2.5 weeks ago. We are friends on FB, snapchat, etc. She didn't block me or anything like that (and since she can see that I've viewed a few of her recent stories, I don't think she intends to at this moment).

[Makava]

And yes, I definitely ping-pong between beating myself up for allowing myself to become so upset, and reminding myself that her actions during that stretch were pretty abnormal and there's no way I could have known how sensitive she'd be to them.

[once removed]

if you made more than one contact, i would back off 100%.

id be prepared to do so for at least a month, maybe three. give her a chance to reach out. theres no real "in" that i can see for you right now, and pretty much anything would just look like chasing.

i wouldnt even view her stories. heck, if you can help it, id unfollow her entirely (by that, i mean, make invisible, not delete or remove or block).

if you havent heard from her for a long time, and you still want to rekindle the relationship or be friends, i might start slow...interact a little on social media, like her stuff, a comment here and there, really light stuff. if that goes anywhere, maybe try to catch up.

what do you think?

[Makava]

So I don't think it's a terrible plan (although I only made one attempt at contact), my concern is that we're very likely to encounter each other sometime relatively soon, because she actually moved a few blocks away from me into an area I traffic almost daily after the end of the relationship (into an apartment I helped pick -- brilliant timing there!). Not knowing where things stand is a significant daily stressor.

Even if the effect isn't immediate, it would be an immense, immense relief to have a brief, cordial conversation, where I could ask how she's doing, apologize in a low-drama way -- "Hey, I was a jerk, I'm sorry" -- and move past it fast, and generally reestablish myself as a calm, stable presence. It worries me that our last interactions were so dramatic and conflictual, I don't know what to expect when I inevitably run into her at the store or restaurant.

[once removed]

that would be a smooth move - great way to handle it - if you run into each other and it happens organically.

[Makava]

Makes sense. The things that give me pause about relying on a chance contact are a few things she said during the relationship:
-She believes she's toxic and worried a lot that she'd end up hurting me if we stayed together, so I doubt she'd reach out herself under any circumstances.
-During the final part of the breakup she explicitly (and bafflingly, at the time) compared me to her other friend who she seems to have split black, saying something about how that friend hadn't made an effort to keep up contact. It worries me because it makes me think she'll interpret no contact as proof I didn't care.

If I felt confident I wasn't doing even more damage by steering clear, it would be easier. I absolutely didn't make it clear in my previous effort to reach out that my door was open -- in fact, the email could be read as kind of final, in a "I think you're a good person, please have a good life" way.

[Makava]

Sorry for all the random details. It's hard not to think in circles on this - basically, I didn't understand the first thing about her likely state of mind so literally everything I said now feels like it was wrong, ha.

[Mr. Kelly]

I can relate to a lot of what you are going through… My timeline and story are different, but there are similarities in outcome.

I am almost at the exact same point that you are… Wondering what to do. My now ex is hostile and insulting.  Says she is forever done. Albeit, she has said that several times before.

I don’t know what to do, either, and whether to do anything.

In conventional relationships, the experts say to go no contact until they reach out to you, and if they never do, you have to move on. They say that no contact will allow them to go through several stages of break up… First, relief. Second, they begin to second-guess their decision, third, they begin to miss you… psychologists say this is true in pretty much all conventional relationship break ups.

How this will play out with a BPD may be very different. I do understand your thought that going completely no contact for an indefinite period of time may give her the idea that you never did care for her. Therefore, at least in my case, I am going to give it a few weeks, and then slip in a completely simple “hello how are you“ text. I won’t ask anything about the relationship, or offer any kind of apologies… After a few exchanges, if it is pleasant and easy, I will simply ask her if she wants to go to something simple, like ice cream or grab a bite to eat. To catch up. Maybe then, and only maybe, will I start to talk about relationship things, like being sorry, etc. In many ways, if she agrees to go out with me after that handful of weeks, I can presume her interest in to reconnect in a meaningful way.

However, these girls are very damaged, and there’s almost no way to know which direction anything is going, and my girl is very angry. Way way moreso then she should ever really be. I really almost did nothing to her but bark at her once and challenge her bad behavior. That was pretty much it.

Anyway, keep us posted and best of luck. I feel your pain.

[once removed]

the tendency is to overthink it. human nature still applies to bpd.

if you chase, or push, it will be unattractive/push her away. its a "definitely dont do it".

running into her and being cool, by the way, is not that.

the thing about trying to reverse a breakup (or a friendship, or whatever) is that you can only play the cards you have, and youve gotta play your best ones.

right now, there just arent a lot of cards, good ones or otherwise. if she started dropping the word "boundaries", thats a clear signal to give her a wide berth.

i know im a stranger and you dont have to take my word for it, but that whole "he didnt contact me after i told him not to so it proves he didnt care" just doesnt happen. to the extent that it does, its more a curiosity eg "hm im surprised he hasnt reached out." "hmmm he still hasnt reached out." "hmmm is he over me?". and that sort of thing can push a person to reengage. thats why little things like not reading her stories can feed into that.

to that end, i would recommend posting a bit more on social media about what youre up to, about how youre living your best life. dont be obvious, showy, in your face about it, but it wont hurt to be intentional about it either.

its one of the only cards in terms of both appearing attractive, and being in her light, so to speak. it gets people thinking (if she believes that you are doing better off without her, i can assure you that will only pique her curiosity, not push her away).  

[Makava]

Okay, that strikes me as very wise advice.

[Makava]

Okay, UPDATE and ADVICE NEEDED:

So, I ignored the advice in this thread (, I bet you guys get this a lot). But I did have a reason, it was a conscious decision.

The backstory here is that I live in Minneapolis, as of last night we have national guard tanks on the streets, are under curfew, and there's been some looting, including in my/my ex's neighborhood.

I saw a picture of an armored vehicle parked literally on her block, and she'd told me many times how nervous she was about living alone and how isolated she felt. I can't help it, I still worry about the girl having no support networks in a really tough time, so after much deliberation with a friend I sent her a brief and very carefully worded email mentioning the crisis in the city and saying she could always reach out if she needed anything. I figured I'd get no response/drive her further away even, but on some level being prospectively supportive in a bad time seemed more important than rekindling the flame.

BAM - instablocked on Facebook and Snapchat. I didn't love it but I sort of shrugged it off. I wasn't super terribly surprised, I guess. I sent a quick followup apologizing, saying I had just meant to be friendly (true!), and that I'd leave her alone. Honestly felt kind of okay about things after that - I didn't cross any lines, just gently reached out to someone I cared about.

Okay, so, fast forward to now, and I receive the angriest email I've ever gotten from her. She says she blocked me because I can't get the message (fair enough), how many times am I going to make her reject me (a little weird, since I definitely didn't ask her for anything), and that I've got my head in my ass if I think she's interested in dealing with me after how I treated her.

This is literally the only time she has ever expressed any overt anger at me in the entire time I've known her. Even during the actual breakup, she denied over and over that she was mad at me. It's very unclear what "how I treated her" refers to! In some ways, it's a little cathartic, I'd rather her yell at me than shut down the way she did. At least it's out in the open now.

I'm not going to respond immediately, if ever, but any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. It's really hard to express what a dramatic change of tone this is - her last message to me was something like "I wish you the best "

[Makava]

Also, this really shows the value of this board/other BPD resources! I think the sudden blocking, the strange post-block email hours later, and the accusation of mistreatment would be really jarring and upsetting if I had gone in blind. But thanks to you folks I knew that it was not unlikely, maybe even expected, and I shouldn't take it too personally.

[once removed]

there is no response to blocking/angry letters but to give space.

[Makava]

After blocking me on Facebook and Snapchat (and presumably my email and phone number, but I’d have no way of knowing), she then, the next day, unmatched me on Tinder (why? we haven’t talked on there since the day we met? She’d have to scroll way back to even find me), and then at some later point unfriended me on TikTok, even though I never even use the app and certainly do not communicate with her on it.

It’s bizarre, folks. If she just didn’t want to hear from me she could just not respond, but the days-long blocking campaign feels more like some kind of ritual punishment/deletion for my sins.

Also, I took the time and reread the apology I sent her when all this started, and honestly it was a lot nicer and more heartfelt than I recalled - her insistence I had lashed out and never apologized had distorted my memory of the situation pretty bad. It’s annoying because I have to keep going back and rereading communications with her to remind myself that I am sane and reacted pretty normally to her throughout; otherwise I find myself drifting towards a lot of self-blame.

[once removed]

It’s bizarre, folks. If she just didn’t want to hear from me she could just not respond, but the days-long blocking campaign feels more like some kind of ritual punishment/deletion for my sins.

she is building high walls because she feels you have overstepped.

i had an ex do the same to me.

[Makava]

Obviously water under the bridge now, but sure would have been better for both of us if she'd given me a clue she was so angry at me! I'd explicitly asked her during the breakup if we should not talk in the future and she said "I'm not saying that."

I have to say, I am a bit more concerned now about what happens when I inevitably run into her in the street - and what she's telling people about me. In your experience, was the rage permanent?

(Sorry for all the questions, on some level this is just so hard to understand and navigate.)

[once removed]

given this development and her strong reaction i would not approach her if you see her on the street. i wouldnt approach her in any way, shape, or form.

the ex i referred to left me, without notice, for another guy.

meanwhile (i didnt know our status), i continued to try to meet her after class (she was avoiding me). someone in the class told her that. i became one of many "stalkers". eventually, i did get in touch with her about getting some of my stuff back. when i approached her to follow up, she started screaming, in front of everyone "QUIT STALKING ME. QUIT. STALKING ME.". humiliating, no possible good response, but i almost have to give her credit. she then proceeded to act like my worst enemy, engaging in an actual smear campaign, literally posting fliers about me around the school.

i also, one time, had an online friend i had to cut off. they pushed for my time and attention at concerning levels. when they wanted to fly out and become irl friends and wouldnt take no for an answer, i had to sever ties. they didnt take it well.

while i think there is a tendency where it involves bpd traits to be a bit more extreme and reactive about this kind of thing, i dont want to overstate it. you knew that further pursuing this was probably the wrong move.

im not judging, either. its a horrible, maddening, and kind of shaming position to be in. you loved this person, and now theyre exiling you and treating you as if youre a threat when all you want is to explain yourself and be cool.

its also something you need to heed. thats true if you ever want to speak to her again, and its also true if you dont want to risk escalating matters. all is not always fair in love and war. if she is erecting high walls, blocking, letting you have it, take it for exactly what it is, dont push (go out of your way to not go near), and lick your wounds with the support of people here. many of us have experienced this kind of ending. its heartbreaking.

[Makava]

No worries. I have zero intention of approaching her or speaking to her at any point unless she initiates it, and frankly even then I'd be very wary. Not trying to get myself arrested here. Plus, the rage and total cutoff has been kind of helpful in moving my feelings along, since there's no question left about how to approach the situation. Obviously I feel a bit stupid but the torturous confusion about her real feelings and how to react is over.

In my head she'd basically deleted me and stopped caring about me one way or another, so I figured a likely negative response would be to ignore me more, not explode like never before.  She'd never been open about the intensity of her feelings before so it was quite a shock on some levels. Part of my mistake here, I think, was focusing too much on the literal meaning of her words and not their sort of emotional undercurrent, and thinking a friendly note, while perhaps counterproductive to my restore-normal-contact aims, would not be the end of the world.

Weirdly I feel like I'd been better off if I'd been more willing to use my own feelings as a guide? I was all coiled up tight about the breakup still, and it turns out so was she, although in a totally different way. It was stupid to assume she was so different than me that she'd just sort of gotten over it and it wasn't a live concern anymore.

Makes me very sad, too, because not only is she clearly suffering, but the disconnect between what she feels and what everyone else sees must be so tremendous, which really undermines her chances to get much-needed help.

Anyway. I'm rambling now.

[Upandown]

When they break up with you they blame you for abandoning them.  So at this point she is very angry that you abandoned her.

[Makava]

Intellectually I know that must be true (or something like that). But there's some part of my lizard brain that just can't manage to square it. She had dozens and dozens of overwhelming examples of my good intentions, versus a handful of semi-sharp words over the course of a day, that I immediately apologized for; how could the wonderful, brilliant woman I knew be so totally convinced that I abandoned or mistreated her? It's haunting.