Yeah, I know I'm a disappointment mom

[nyskyline]

Hi all,
 so my mom has uBPD but my therapist/psychiatrist are certain she has it. It's been a really awful couple of months for me. I was battling severe depression and struggling at school. I'm doing better with my depression but I decided to withdraw from dental school before they could dismiss me for a series of academic failures. I am so full of  shame and now I'm a 31 year old with nothing to show with my life. At first my mom was supportive but yesterday she flew into a rage that "I didn't try hard enough" and that "I clearly don't care" etc etc. I worked my ass off to get into dental school and I worked very hard in school too. I just can't handle her raging at me. The only way I could appease her was to say I'd try to talk to the school into letting me repeat again (my third attempt at year I) and I know they're going to say no. I'm just barely hanging on myself-- I feel like I am nothing but the ultimate failure and she's just making me feel worse. I don't know what to do.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi nyskyline:

I'm sorry about the tough time you are having with your mom and school.  The last thing you need is to have someone rage at you.  It only makes things worse.

Do you live with your mom?  Is your mom financially supporting your education?

Do you still want to be a dentist, or deep down do you feel it isn't for you?  Some schools might be a bit more flexible at the current time, as I'm thinking with the Covid situation, a greater number of students are having a tough time.  Depression can make concentration and studying difficult.

I'm thinking you already have a 4-year degree. Have you thought of some alternate professions? Maybe something else related to dentistry or maybe some medical field?

Do you have other people in your life who are supportive?  Siblings? Father? Friends?

Has your therapist given you any suggestions on how to interact and react with your mom, when she rages?

[Methuen]

At first my mom was supportive but yesterday she flew into a rage that "I didn't try hard enough" and that "I clearly don't care" etc etc.

It is heartbreaking to read this.  It is hard to imagine the depth of pain for you to live through this.  To be admitted into dental school means you had a GPA most people can only dream of, and survived the MMI process to win a spot against many other applicants.  Just to be admitted means you are exceptional, caring and hard working.  Your mother should be supporting you at such a hard time, not judging you, but sadly, she can't because of her BPD. 

I suggest avoiding her if that is where she is at.  Consider telling her you are taking some time for yourself to work this through.  You are going to surround yourself with people who can support you through this difficult time.  Then use an "I statement" in response to comments like "you didn't try hard enough".  Keep the I statement short and simple and finish it with something like "I can only talk to people who are supportive right now".  If she remains judgemental, then " I have to go now". Click.  Meanwhile, take care of yourself, focus on your own grief, take time to analyse the problem, and work through your own feelings after withdrawing. Eventually, you will figure out a path forward.   Meanwhile, draw on good people around you for support.  And post here as often as you like.  We're here for you. 

[Notwendy]

nyskyline,

I have observed a similar pattern in my own FOO and so, I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you. First of all, I know your academic issues are not from lack of trying or capability- it's hard to get accepted into dental school. I don't know all the issues but my best guess at what is happening is in part, your family dynamics, and the depression. I also wonder about the impact of the pandemic with Zoom classes, and lastly the impact the pandemic has had on young people- who have had less opportunities to socialize with peers and these peers are a support for them.

Since the solution to what is happening may not be "trying harder"- I would think carefully about attempting a third time under the same circumstances. You mentioned that this is the only way to appease her and this caught my attention because it's a similar pattern in our family- doing things for the sake of appeasing ( or hope of ) my BPD mother. She's the one who decides on "the one thing" we need to do or else, but often that one thing is unreasonable or not something we want to do.

I'm older than you are and have been experiencing this kind of relationship pattern and one thing we ( adult children) have concluded is that, we could discover the cure for Covid-19 and in the moment, my mother would be pleased but soon she'd find something to be disappointed and rage at us for something. We have done plenty of things that a parent would be proud of but she'd rage at us for bringing home the wrong brand of cereal from the grocery store and be calling us incompetent. This is because - she looks outward for her own poor self image. In a nutshell, she looks to others for narcicistic supply. And she also projects her own uncomfortable feelings on to others and rages. The rages serve the purpose of purging these feelings. What I suspect is happening now is that your difficulties in dental school have provided her latest reason to rage. I doubt they are the real reason because that reason is probably her own uncomfortable feelings as well as the impact on her self image.

Do you see where any of this has anything to do with you, concern for you, support for you during these difficult times? You don't- because your mother's behavior is more about her than you.

How does this affect your function in higher education? I have a sibling who was a very high achieving student who fell apart in college. This sib is also quite enmeshed with our BPD mother. I watched some similar interactions as the ones you describe. BPD mother ( and my father) led his academic choices - disapproving of some that he wanted to do- directing them to those that boosted up her self image. This kind of enmeshment is hard to let go of. To a child, approval from a parent is something we strive for and BPD mother controlled this with her moods. In addition, the education resulted in some financial dependence which BPD mother controlled. But this results in resentment and it seemed the only way to freedom was to fail academically.

My position as a scapegoat child was different as my parents were less invested in my academics but still for my mother, I had to be useful to her as a source of her narcicistic supply. Ironically, my own path with academic achievement was more successful and I suspect it was because she was less invested in it emotionally and financially. However, no matter what I achieved, it didn't ever seem to be enough to win her over, and like most children, I wanted to.

Emotionally healthy parents see their role with children as to nurture and raise them to become self sufficient adults. They realize their children are separate people- their own individual selves with their own thoughts and ideas. A parent with BPD sees their child as extensions of themselves and not as individuals and this kind of enmeshement can interfere with their differentiation as individuals. A person who can not manage their own feelings isn't able to "be supportive" to someone else who is also having a rough time with theirs. The fact that your mother isn't supportive to you is not because of you.

I want to give you hope. First of all, the sibling who struggled has now found his own path to being self sufficient in a job he likes and is doing well, albeit our mother still isn't happy with the choices. I did well academically and --- didn't gain my parents' approval for long and I have been a "disappointment" to her numerous times. Our mother still finds things to rage about. Her feelings and moods don't have much to do with what we do or don't do. I hope that you can begin to realize this about you as well.

You have not failed at anything. Looking at the dynamics in a family with a disordered person is not to blame but to look at patterns, learn from them and change them. If your career choices have been influenced by your mother's moods, then maybe decide if dental school is truly what you want, and look for a path that brings you fulfillment. If dental school is what you want- then maybe take some time to address the issues that are making success hard for you. It is good that you are in counseling to help you do this. If you do want to attempt a third try, consider if they would defer admission- to give you time to manage the depression and decide what you want to do. If they won't allow you back at all- it's OK to change your path and find something else. I hope you believe you have not done anything wrong. This is just one thing on your path of finding what works for you.