How to respond to bpd boyfriends rants

[Depression = 72% of members]

My boyfriend has what I suspect is undiagnosed BPD. I’ve known something was off for some time now but have only recently started to dive into what the issues between us are. I grew up with a BPD step mother so I’m not new to the signs or symptoms but dealing with a romantic partner is a whole new world for me. Sometimes I think a lot of it is my fault. Maybe if I was better at communicating or listening or not sensitive I could avoid some of our problems. The biggest issue for me is when we start having a disagreement, it goes from calm and mature to a full on hurtful rant on his part. I’m never sure what it is that sets him off so rapidly. He will just rapid fire insults at me and tell me I’m the worst person in the world and everything is my fault and nobody has ever hurt him like this before. What do I do when these outbursts start? What’s the best tactic to calming him down so we can have a rational discussion? Or is that impossible with BPD? I know he is just hurting and that his emotions are far more extreme than the average person but it really hurts me to be treated that way. I love him and care about him and don’t want to abandon him. What do I do? Where do I start? So lost.

[sunshineflgirl]

My boyfriend has what I suspect is undiagnosed BPD. I’ve known something was off for some time now but have only recently started to dive into what the issues between us are. I grew up with a BPD step mother so I’m not new to the signs or symptoms but dealing with a romantic partner is a whole new world for me. Sometimes I think a lot of it is my fault. Maybe if I was better at communicating or listening or not sensitive I could avoid some of our problems. The biggest issue for me is when we start having a disagreement, it goes from calm and mature to a full on hurtful rant on his part. I’m never sure what it is that sets him off so rapidly. He will just rapid fire insults at me and tell me I’m the worst person in the world and everything is my fault and nobody has ever hurt him like this before. What do I do when these outbursts start? What’s the best tactic to calming him down so we can have a rational discussion? Or is that impossible with BPD? I know he is just hurting and that his emotions are far more extreme than the average person but it really hurts me to be treated that way. I love him and care about him and don’t want to abandon him. What do I do? Where do I start? So lost.

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[Cat Familiar]

You’re correct that better communication and listening skills from you can greatly help your relationship. It’s hard not to be sensitive to a loved one when they can be so good at triggering us, but that can be a skill that is learned too.

Your partner will always have the tendency to overreact to inconsequential issues, but how you respond to his reaction can really limit things going off the rails. Once things do go that direction, and he is dysregulated, there is little you can do to have a rational discussion, so it’s far better to circumvent those over the top reactions.

Here are some articles that might be helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict