Involving kids on handling BPD husband

[wish_list]

Hello
Married to my husband for 22 years and now after a lot of research I realize that he actually has BPD. It seems to be getting worse. I am not considering leaving him. I have two teen daughters, and I was wondering when I should tell them about my suspicions so that they can manage him better. I have been hesitating because I don't want to spoil whatever little spontaneity is in their relationship, as it is over the years they are very careful about what they tell him, how they tell him and when they tell him stuff or not tell him at all(basically walking on eggshells around him). Which drives him nuts, because in his BPD moments he thinks I am turning the girls against him...separate story.

But now that I know a little more, I was wondering if I should tell them what I suspect?  So that they know it's not them and that he has special emotional needs that are not their fault?

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[formflier]

A big part of parenting a teenager is teaching them how to handle relationships in general. 

I have to wonder if it's best to frame your discussions that way...and let the lessons apply to your hubby as well...rather than explicitly saying..."this is the best way to handle Dad.."

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[wish_list]

yes, I agree, good suggestion!
I just want to tell them my suspicions. (he won't go to therapy so we don't know officially that he is BPD). This way when he is ranting at them they will know that it's not their fault, it's the way he is.

[formflier]

 
Couldn't that lesson be given to the kids without sharing about your hubby?

I'm not saying there is never a time to share direct accurate information...I'm certain there are.

I'm just as certain that telling kids our opinions about our spouses is fraught territory.  Proceed with caution.

Also very different when you have a kid coming to you that is frustrated or asking for help with a recent conversation with Dad (or Mom)...that went sideways.  You should still be careful..but that is very different than initiating a conversation about the other spouse.

What leads you to believe the kids think it's "their fault"?

Best,

FF

[wish_list]

there have been times he's gone off the handle on them, my daughter got her admissions email from a college and she came to tell him, and he went off on her why she didn't tell him earlier, why she hadn't forwarded it to her yet and she is ungrateful because he helped her with her college admissions(he did), and she does not give him enough respect for it.

or picture this, we got some takeout, set it out on the table for everyone. He was on a conference call, I asked the girls to start eating and I was waiting for him and when he came back - there was no paper napkin on the table and he was upset about that. For three days he was mad that no one respects him, no one waited for him, he's the odd one out. etc etc

they end up angry or crying.. but I just want to reassure them he does these things because there is something wrong with him and not with what they did..they're amazing kids, seriously and when he is non-BPD he acknowledges how lucky he is to have them.

so should I tell them that I suspect he has BPD and that might hopefully not make them feel guilty or at least less mad?

[PearlsBefore]

"You know how Mom/Dad is, it's nothing to do with you" probably suffices for teenagers - you shouldn't need to use the term BPD which is likely going to trigger him and possibly alienate the daughters. Might be worth slipping in a few DBT therapy tips, not explicitly identifying them as such - just a "I found he handles my bad news better if I tell him like this...you should try it", etc.

[formflier]

Wouldn't it be better to have him address it when he is "non-BPD"? 

It sounds like there are times he is grateful for his children...build on that.

Best,

FF

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi wish_list:
 

Wouldn't it be better to have him address it when he is "non-BPD"?

  I'm betting that will never happen. Someone who can't acknowledge and work on their issues is not going to have a conversation about their emotional immaturity, their angry outbursts, and the pitfalls of "The Silent Treatment".

they end up angry or crying.. but I just want to reassure them he does these things because there is something wrong with him and not with what they did..they're amazing kids, seriously and when he is non-BPD he acknowledges how lucky he is to have them.

My dad had BPD traits.  I wish my mom could have coached me on better ways to handle emotions and boundaries and how to develop a descent emotional IQ (EQ).  I grew up being a "people pleaser". 

Without some coaching, children are apt to go to one extreme or the other. They either think it's okay to use silent treatment and to handle their own emotions badly, or they become "people pleasers" and end up with a spouse like dad.

I'd approach things on the basis that "Dad doesn't do well with managing his emotions, especially when he is in a bad mood. (I wouldn't offer a diagnosis)  I'd like to coach you, so you can learn some valuable skills.  It takes more than IQ for most people to be successful and lead a happy life.  Emotional Intelligence is a valuable tool"

After you broach the subject, then lead them to reading material on the Internet, books, etc., then have some discussions about the skills. Learning how to manage their emotions is a valuable tool, as is learning about boundaries.

[wish_list]

Wouldn't it be better to have him address it when he is "non-BPD"?

-sometimes when he is in a good mood, he will acknowledge his faults, but if I broach the topic it does not go well, probably sounds like accusations to him, even though I don't mean it that way

or they become "people pleasers" and end up with a spouse like dad.

yes, that's exactly what I am afraid of.

I will do what you suggested about having a talk with them about daddy not being able to handle his bad emotions properly.
When he is giving them the silent treatment for days, he's actually miserable so I do encourage my girls to talk to him, not giving in..because he feels that the three females in the home have "ganged up" against him.. sometimes he calls it a "cluster F****" or a "F** fest". his language in his BPD moments is nasty.

thank you

[formflier]

-sometimes when he is in a good mood, he will acknowledge his faults, but if I broach the topic it does not go well, probably sounds like accusations to him, even though I don't mean it that way
 

So..again, wouldn't it be best to be ready for these times when they come up...and let him address the issue?

I do agree that this is not going to be a common occurrence.

Best,

FF