Need Triangulation advice- 90 yo

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello good people. I haven’t posted in awhile. How would you handle this situation... it has been giving me a lot of anxiety!

I have been NC with my enmeshed brother and uBPD SIL for about a year. My mom, who passed last year, refused to get involved, even though they pressured her to. They were constantly pressing for a family meeting to hash things out, and actually got angry at my bedridden mom for not pressuring me, as well.

Ever since COVID, I’ve been calling both of my aunts weekly. Partly for me — they are connections to my parents, and partly to help with the lockdown isolation. My brother and SIL are in touch quite often with one aunt. I have made a point not to talk about the rift, just to keep it light. Not surprisingly, my brother has told her about the breakdown in our relationship, and he tells everyone that I refuse to call them. Last week my aunt brought it up right away, laying on the FOG, telling me it’s gone on long enough. Unfortunately I got very emotional, and probably said more to my aunt than I should have. I kept telling her that it wasn’t her problem to fix, but she wouldn’t hear it and said she was going to call my brother. Kept repeating the familiar refrain of “family is the most important thing...” 

I feel I shouldn’t stop calling her, but will not discuss my brother and SIL. If my aunt feels hurt by this situation, even though it’s not hers to bear, there’s nothing I can do. She is 90 and doesn’t need this! I dread calling her, as I’ll need to set boundaries, which she won’t understand. I want to call her less often (since the lockdown isolation is over for her and she’s getting more visitors) and also because I don’t want triangulation. I always tried to be the good girl people-pleaser, but what started as a good deed and comfort to me has become a problem and I set myself up for triangulation. Because she is elderly,  I’m feeling guilt about upsetting her. How would you set your boundaries with a well-meaning, stubborn 90 year old?

This whole situation is really getting to me, and I feel an underlying heaviness and dread every day. I look forward to moving on (and away) from this and them. I’m getting my mom’s probate done, but have had no cooperation from them and it has dragged on for a year. They are NC with me now, which is fine, and I managed to get things done without their cooperation.

Thanks for being here. This forum has been so helpful through all this. Take care everyone 

[podsnapG]

Hello good people. I haven’t posted in awhile. How would you handle this situation... it has been giving me a lot of anxiety!

I have been NC with my enmeshed brother and uBPD SIL for about a year. My mom, who passed last year, refused to get involved, even though they pressured her to. They were constantly pressing for a family meeting to hash things out, and actually got angry at my bedridden mom for not pressuring me, as well.

Ever since COVID, I’ve been calling both of my aunts weekly. Partly for me — they are connections to my parents, and partly to help with the lockdown isolation. My brother and SIL are in touch quite often with one aunt. I have made a point not to talk about the rift, just to keep it light. Not surprisingly, my brother has told her about the breakdown in our relationship, and he tells everyone that I refuse to call them. Last week my aunt brought it up right away, laying on the FOG, telling me it’s gone on long enough. Unfortunately I got very emotional, and probably said more to my aunt than I should have. I kept telling her that it wasn’t her problem to fix, but she wouldn’t hear it and said she was going to call my brother. Kept repeating the familiar refrain of “family is the most important thing...” 

I feel I shouldn’t stop calling her, but will not discuss my brother and SIL. If my aunt feels hurt by this situation, even though it’s not hers to bear, there’s nothing I can do. She is 90 and doesn’t need this! I dread calling her, as I’ll need to set boundaries, which she won’t understand. I want to call her less often (since the lockdown isolation is over for her and she’s getting more visitors) and also because I don’t want triangulation. I always tried to be the good girl people-pleaser, but what started as a good deed and comfort to me has become a problem and I set myself up for triangulation. Because she is elderly,  I’m feeling guilt about upsetting her. How would you set your boundaries with a well-meaning, stubborn 90 year old?

This whole situation is really getting to me, and I feel an underlying heaviness and dread every day. I look forward to moving on (and away) from this and them. I’m getting my mom’s probate done, but have had no cooperation from them and it has dragged on for a year. They are NC with me now, which is fine, and I managed to get things done without their cooperation.

Thanks for being here. This forum has been so helpful through all this. Take care everyone 

[podsnapG]

The usual time for a call to my aunt is in a couple of hours, and I have more clarity about it. I’ll call at the usual time and gently but firmly tell her that I love our phone calls, but I will not talk about matters involving my brother and SIL. And that if it is too upsetting to her, I can wait and call another time. If she continues to push and talk about it or ask questions and FOG me, I’ll get off the phone, lovingly, even though she might perceive it as hanging up on her.

The emotional roller coaster is just too much, and when I read others’ stories here, I know I’m not alone. At times I realize that I have not only lost my brother, but my nephew, and maybe my aunt. It will spread to other family members who are being fed how awful and cold I am. It’s a heartbreak, but if I review all that has happened over the past few years, I can move forward, although with a sad heart.

I’m being blamed for breaking up the family, for excluding bro and SIL, changing their relationship with my mom who passed last year. In my heart I know I did my best and made Mom the priority, taking care of her as best I could. Their drama sapped me. I gave 100% to Mom, in the midst of the deaths of two friends and our dog. The anger I have at my brother for raging at my 90 yo Mom (for not intervening) is big. I’ll work on forgiving him in my own way and from a distance. I realize that forgiveness will help me, not him.

I realize that some members are managing their relationships with their family/partners with BPD, and the tools and support here are incredibly valuable. I tried some of them when dealing with my bro&SIL (they are really one unit now) even suggesting family counseling, using gray rock, validation, active listening, and noticing the drama triangle dynamic. I was always met with anger and blame, and I just had enough. I’m so much happier without interacting with them. Re-establishing a relationship with them requires more than I have in me.

Reading the posts from others here who are NC and dealing with the consequences is so helpful. I know that for many, family is the most important thing. My parents were good, not perfect, but not disordered. And I see families that are truly supportive of each other and not dysfunctional. I’ve come to accept that the FOO I have now is not, and maybe never was.

  Peace!

[Methuen]

I’ll call at the usual time and gently but firmly tell her that I love our phone calls, but I will not talk about matters involving my brother and SIL. And that if it is too upsetting to her, I can wait and call another time. If she continues to push and talk about it or ask questions and FOG me, I’ll get off the phone, lovingly, even though she might perceive it as hanging up on her.

 

I’m being blamed for breaking up the family

Classic.  That's BPD to a T.

My parents were good, not perfect, but not disordered. And I see families that are truly supportive of each other and not dysfunctional. I’ve come to accept that the FOO I have now is not, and maybe never was.

  For me, this acceptance was a big step in my healing.  It is what it is.  I like to think I am defined by my personal set of values, and how I respond to these challenges, and not by what a disordered person says about me (blame and/or lies).  

I love the response you have prepared.  You are ready for this.  Let us know how it goes.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you with the pressure you are feeling from your aunt to reestablish contact with your brother and uBPD SIL while also feeling sad about  possibly losing your brother, aunt, and nephew. I am low contact with my sister with NPD and brother with BPD, along with several family members and friends. You are doing what will be easiest for you in the long run, refusing to discuss the rupture with your brother and SIL with your aunt. I have learned that no good can come from discussing my decision to go as low contact as possible with my siblings with people who believe in blind family loyalty. You have a good plan in place to deal with your aunt when she brings up your situation with your brother and his wife in phone calls. As for the sadness you feel about losing family members because of the rift, you may have a very different experience with each one. As long as your brother is married to his wife, he will likely blindly support her. Your nephew at some point may decide on his own to have contact with you. Your aunt is 90 years old, so setting boundaries and maintaining them with her is probably what will work best. Let us know how the phone call goes, and how we can be the most helpful.