Lack of Parenting Support with BPD Spouse

[Marie1976]

I’m curious if other people experience this... my husband has BPD and is high functioning. Whenever one of my three kids does something that upsets me (arguing, not helping when I ask, or like today, lying to me) my husband rarely validates my feelings. Instead he almost always acts like it’s no big deal and then lectures me about being so hard on them. In my opinion, I think he’s scared to admit their faults in case it causes him to see them as “all bad”.I suspect it’s his personal defense. I’m a very calm person. I don’t yell at my kids and don’t handle things physically. But I do have clear expectations and follow through with consequences consistently if they make poor choices. This really frustrates me that I am talked to like I’m so unreasonable. And I feel it makes him see himself as  this great, compassionate parent. Anyone else deal with this?

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[Cat Familiar]

Don’t have kids, but this sounds like the “good cop, bad cop” dynamic that many parents unfortunately fall into.

You are likely correct in that he doesn’t want to lose the kids’ affection should he support your position, or start observing too many of their “faults”.

People with BPD are sorely deficient in empathy when they have a personal stake in the interaction.