Finally small talk after silent treatment

[Anonym2806]

Hi guys,

A few  months of silent treatments and mind games, then saw her on Tinder (she was upset about that because she tried to put the fault on me while I just told her I hope she will find someone nice to her and wished her happiness).
Finally I got a « normal » message today. Nothing special but I’ve been for NC for a month.
Today I asked her how is she and her son. She answered and asked me how am I.
I answered that I’m ok and busy with work.
No more messages.
Should I continue to send a message or should I wait some times?
What do you think guys? Any idea? 2-3 days before the next message ?

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[Anonym2806]

Hi,

Any idea for a strategy?
I don’t to push her again.
Yesterday we talked nicely and it was very light. I know this is a bad idea to remind her us but I don’t know if there is  something I can say to approach her.
Any idea?

[Mr. Kelly]

Hi there,

How long had you been dating this girl?

How did the rupture happen?  Did she formally break up with you? Did you break no contact and reach out to her?   Some details would be helpful.

In the “traditional“ relationship field, experts say that you should not carry the conversation after no contact. They actually say to never reach out during no contact unless the person that broke up with you reaches out to you, and then you should expect them to carry the conversation. If they don’t, you should not respond until you hear back from them.  If they know you are interested in keeping in contact, it really Hass to be up to them to make the next move, otherwise, you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position to be taken for granted, and that’s not what you want.

They say, if you do the work for them, you are appearing to be easy, and they expect you to be there for them if and when they feel like getting back to you, because they know you are waiting for them. So, they say that if you have texted them last, and there is no response, let the conversation go and do not respond until they get back to you, if ever. In the meantime, you move on and live your life, perhaps pursuing other opportunities.

I can’t say what is best for borderline and hear conflicting information. Somebody reputable on here, and I can’t remember who, suggested that borderlines also should step to the table and be the one to reach out after no contact, since they were the ones that broke up with you, and they need to ante up.

However, there are others that say that going no contact with borderlines can be destructive, because in a sense, you are abandoning them, which is the phobia that drives part of their illness. There is a chance that trust could be broken if you leave for a longer period of time.  This seems contradictory, because it is them that broke up with you, but don’t forget, often times, their pushing you away is meant as self preservation, not because they don’t care about you… It is often self-destructive, and I have heard borderline say that the last thing they want is for you to actually listen to them as they push you away.

In my own situation, it was usually my recently-departed ex that reached out, but not in a nice way.  It was typically with a nasty second break up letter, reinforcing why she was breaking up with me. In a strange way, that could be interpreted as her reaching out in any form, just to see how I would react. It always led to reconciliation, which I guess was good.

I did reach out to her back in December when she broke up with me, after about 10 days, and right off the bat, I asked her if she wanted to get together for a coffee, or a walk, and she agreed. Again, shortly there after, we were reconciled, on that day.

Other times when she broke up with me, when we did reestablish contact, as mentioned earlier, we talked on the phone for a bit, and then I just simply asked her, somewhat out of the blue, if she wanted to have breakfast in the next couple of days, or go for a walk on a trail that we had done before, or something like that, just to kind of reestablished our friendship and catch up with each other. That’s what helped reestablish our groove and sense of trust.

So, these are my experiences… I’m sure others will have some ideas, as well.

Best of luck, and keep us in touch.

[Anonym2806]

Hi Mr Kelly,

Long story but we met 2 years ago. Love from the first sight and we started dating during 4 months.
Then she started to cancel our dates, ignoring me on the phone, wouldn’t take calls...
She was publishing weird stuff on instagram, kind of depressed stuff and about love.
I told her à that point she had to tell me what’s going on or we had to breakup.
She raged on me saying that she can’t be with someone like me as I don’t respect her boundaries. So, I said ok and I accepted her choice to breakup.
She blocked me on everything, except imessage. I tried to reach out 2-3 times just to have some news but she gave me silent treatment during 3 months.

I started to see a therapist at that moment. It was difficult to me to accept the breakup and I had to accept it.
My T treats borderline people and he suggested to me to read about borderline and that she might have borderline.
For me, after reading “stop walking on eggshells” and spending hours on different website, it was obvious she has borderline.

After 3 months of silent treatment, she came back with a message : “I’m sorry”. Nothing else. I tried to talk to her but she never answered during 2 months.
Than I reach out again. She answered but never talked about the past.

We continued to talk sometimes during the next 3 months. Then, she started to publish instagram stories (I was looking with my friend’s account), about stuff concerning us.
Then, out of nowhere, she asked me to go on holiday together.

Holidays was something. Something happened there. We were at a beach club, we spent all the day there, drinking and enjoying the beach. At the end, I saw her asking people for cocaine. I was upset as she swore that she stopped all of this.
I told her and she raged on me.
When we was leaving, a guy came to me (he was at the same place spending his day and we talked to him many times) and said that he was coming with us at the hotel to spend the night with us as my gf suggested to him.
I was shocked and she was already outside waiting for the taxi.
I walked away and told her what the guy said. She raged again on me and in the hotel room, started to break glasses and yelling on me. I tried to calm down. and left for a walk.
When I came back to my room after 30 min, she packed all my stuff and took another room and asked me to leave. I tried to talk to her, we spent the night together. But in the morning, she said she can’t be with someone like me as I believed what the guy said (I’ve never said that I believed the guy even if in my head, I believed him).
I said ok and I booked a flight for the day after.
The same day, in the evening, she asked me to go out for dinner with me. We went to the restaurant and she apologized for her raged and asked me to stay.
I left but we remained together after holidays and the next 4 months was ok.
Then she started to ask me to not come in her city (my brother lived there) for a specific week. I went there but to visit my brother and she raged on me and she was stressed by something. I knew something was wrong.
The same weekend, I tried to reach out a few times and always behaving on the phone like she was with someone else. Which is I’m sure she was. 3 days later, I asked her on the phone to talked on what happened on Sunday. She became crazy and said that I was controlling and that she do whatever she wants as we are not on a relationship. Wawwww, she pushed for this exclusive relationship but finally it wasn’t for her.
I broke up with her.
1 week later she came back. Saying sorry and wanting to see me. I said ok but in a month as I had to spend 1 month to a client in another country.
I came back to her city, we agreed for dinner. We met and she was checking her phone all the time we was together. After 45 min, she said she had to leave as she didn’t feel well. She kissed me and said she missed me.
The day after, I saw a friend of mine, and said that she saw her in a bar with another man. I was sure about what my friend said as she depicted how she was dressed that night.
I texted her and I said nothing but I told her I was in the bar that night. She answered this: “oh, last night out for us”
Then she deleted the message and started to gaslighted me. Saying I was crazy and that she wasn’t in that bar because she went back home. That she was concerned by my mental condition, and she can go through this and I have to let her.
What I did.
I ignored everything. I’m someone quiet and I let this as it was. 1 months later, we met randomly. And she said that she loves me, she cried in my arm and she said she can’t be with me because she’s codependent (it’s a symptom of borderline and not a sickness as my therapist said. Based on 3 levels of personality (Borderline, psychotic and neurotic)
I said ok to her. But the next 2 weeks, she started to text me and saying the same things a few time while she was adding a guy on instagram who liked all the pictures. She wouldn’t add me but I noticed after a few days, she went into his profile and liked a old picture of him almost naked. It was obvious by her stories as well she was ta getting the guy (related to his job as a personal trainer, or specifically answering to his post by a story). I know her, she communicates a lot with social media and she did the same with me.
The following days, when she texted me I said I wasn’t interested to her anymore as I’m not interested in a cheap woman with poor behaviors. She raged and blocked me.
She continued stories the next 3 months, depressed.

During this period, I tried many times to reach out. Sometimes she answered, sometimes ignored. But in a message, she knew I was on holiday in a country as she mentioned it (I didn’t). Means she also watched my social media with another account.

Then Tinder. I was on Tinder as I decided to move on (even if it’s difficult) and I found her profile (she was looking for a serious rs when she tells me she can’t be with someone as she need to fix herself).
I sent her a screenshot and texted her by saying funny things and I hope she can find someone good for her. Nothing mean. Just a nice message.
Answer to this: Well, what is clear for me it’s that you are on Tinder too” -_-
She found me and matched me on tinder and talked to me on the app, reminding our holidays and I saw she wasn’t comfortable.
I said I was in her city (we live in different countries), and she said welcome. Since this, she’s quiet on social media and she also deleted her account on Tinder.
back. Then NC for 5 weeks.
From my experience, last year, when I found her on tinder, this is where she started to come back.
I texted her a few days later and she answered in a nice way and properly. Same the day after. She was nice on text message.

This is the story. I’m attached to her as she has a big heart and she’s smart funny and beautiful. As my therapist says, she doesn’t do this on purpose if she’s really borderline. Her brain pushes her to do that but also, I can’t accept her behaviors and I have to show boundaries (which I did many times).
I want her back i. my life but I want first to make
a contract with her. Pushing her to see a therapist and get the right treatment.
I might wait for a week before contacting her again and maybe suggest for a coffee next time I’m in her city.
Well, it’s messy but she knows something is wrong.
From my side, I try to date other women. It’s not easy but I’m I need to see other perspectives.