Not sure how I feel, what to say or what to do.

[Orangesoda]

Quick background: DIL(pwBPD) left my son and their baby in December 2020, they all lived with me. Son and baby (13 mos) still live here and I care for grandson Mon-Thurs. DIL comes Thurs. evenings and stays until early Monday morning where son drives her back to where she's staying on his way in to work.

Today DIL showed up here high. Took baby for a walk to the store so she could buy herself munchies, which she ate on the couch feeding him sour cream and onion chips.

I am disturbed for a few reasons. First, she's not in tune to baby when she's sober, let alone able to pick up on his cues when she's high. I'm angry because she hasn't seen him all week and she shows up stoned. So I'm telling myself stuff like, pot is legal, it's her choice if she wants to partake, not exactly a parenting choice I would make, but I'm not the parent. Yet it's just wrong, no different than if she showed up here drunk! They're having money issues and I've been picking up the slack to make sure baby has what he needs. Yet she can afford pot and munchies with the baby bonus she is collecting even though she doesn't live with her baby? Is it my place to say something or do I just remain silent? And if I should say something, what do I say?

Second, I have ants. I have been sweeping, mopping, cleaning and laying down bait in inconspicuous places to eliminate them. I have told everyone not to leave food laying around, not to let the baby run around with food and to be mindful of the ants. Yet, she's eating chips on the couch, the baby's fork and crumbs are lying on the floor around the high chair and there's dirty dishes and crumbs all over the kitchen counter.

Third, I'm doing my best to give baby healthy solid foods. Yet we're all having a hard time with feeding him because he's not interested in fruits/vegetables unless it's in a puree baby food package. However he IS very interested in the donuts, bear claws and high sugar/sodium junk food snacks mommy feeds him (from the couch in my living room).

I just don't know if I'm making a big issue where there is none, or how to address, or even define her behavior. I just know that I'm angry (at the lack of respect), worried (for the baby) and anxious (about confronting it).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Orangesoda. It sure is a big issue, and so stressful for you to be seeing all this happening.
I have had to think through these sorts of dilemmas over quite a period of years - and still am! One difference is that in my case the little one was here half the time. When she began to talk, it was clear the time she was at her dad's had some real problems. In your case, baby stays in same house, under your care half time, under mum and dad's care half time.

The issues are all the same though - diet, care, substance abuse etc.

There were lots of times I wanted to do something - whether it was talk to the other parent/grandparents, or even get authorities involved. I was very anxious a lot of the time.

In complex situations there are no easy answers and each time I came back to the fact that at least half the time I know she is well cared for and safe.

That mightn't seem much but I also found it was worse for me when BPD dd would decide she wanted the child to be with her, so would take her to some awful situation. I learnt that these times would not last long, but I had to sit it out.

Over time I have learnt to look at the consequences of different options before i do or say anything. Most often when I do this I can see that the consequences would be that the situation for the child would actually be worse. So I shut up and just keep going.

Can't tell you how many times I have had to repeat in my head 'At least she is well cared for and safe half of the time'. In the long run, particularly if you continue to have one on one with your grandchild over the next say three years, you will have the opportunity to impart some really important values, and he will have had the best start possible.

Gosh it's hard though . . . . .!

[Orangesoda]

Thank you Sancho for your feedback. I find myself considering all of the consequences of saying something - will it make things worse/better? - as well as a response for all of the possible 'excuses' I might get thrown at me. It's exhausting.

I do think I should set some boundaries though as things are slowly reverting back to what they were before she left. Face stuck in the phone, yelling and verbal abuse towards my son, and of course running out to the shed for a toke. Hanging on to the anger and remaining silent is making me physically ill. Aren't we supposed to stop tip toeing around and walking on eggshells?

A few simple boundaries like if you show up here high you can go back home until you're sober. Most of the consequences center around her being taken home. Packing up all the junk food and telling her to take it home with her because I won't feed it to him.

The biggest issue I have with mentioning the pot is getting a response of 'what's the difference between smoking pot to help me relax or taking prescribed medication which zones me out'? Hmm well the pot she's smoking isn't medical grade, monitored or prescribed.

It really is hard Sancho. I keep telling myself I'm making a difference in the time I spend with him but when she's here I'm constantly triggered by flashbacks of my own childhood.

[Sancho]

It is really so stressful. Yep, everything going round in your head, what to say/do, what would be the consequences, how can I say that without getting abused, what do I do when I am being abused . . .

And every option is on the table when you are dealing with someone with BPD - she could go off with someone else at the drop of a hat etc (at least this is all from my experience).

Beside my bedroom, my other place is my car. Sometimes I drop gd at school and just stay in my car till time to pick her up. The night before I make a food pack and a thermos and my computer and I drive to different places, listen to the radio, park somewhere where I can log into internet, put the seat back and have a nap!

I am so sorry that all this bring back flashbacks of pain and hurt from your childhood. This is a huge factor in deciding what boundaries you need to put in place. We are all cornered by BPD - but your position is even more stressful and complex given what you have had to deal with in your own life.

Thinking of you . . . .

[Orangesoda]

Well I did bring the pot situation up to my son. Which I'm all conflicted about because of triangulation. In this case though he also was high and took responsibility for his part in it, but of course the whole 'what if she's prescribed medication' defense came up as I had expected. Fortunately I was prepared with a response, yet he didn't really buy into it until I went into a whole speech about 'what world do you live in that it's acceptable to be impaired around your children because the world I live in doesn't find it acceptable for a child to see his mother stoned out of her gourd and sprawled out on the couch pigging out on munchies.' I think the imagery may have gotten through.

I read the workshop on boundaries and it was very helpful for me to frame my boundaries within the context of my values. I told my son that them living here with me would not work because we don't have the same family values and things like being impaired while in the care and control of a child is unacceptable for me.

Got to go - grandson is waking up from his nap, will post more later.

[Sancho]

You did really well in the way you framed your talk with your son. I really hope there is not too much fallout.

Well done!

[Orangesoda]

You did really well in the way you framed your talk with your son. I really hope there is not too much fallout.

Well done!

Thank you for the support Sancho. I haven't been back to finish my post as there's been a S-storm of issues. I did however just post about the diagnosis that came in. I will have time this weekend (I hope) to post.

[EZEarache]

As a reformed pothead myself, with an ex that spends most of her free-time stoned, I wouldn't get too freaked out about the weed, personally. I have friends that used to smoke pot around their babies all the time. These little ones grew up to be teenagers that are getting full scholarships to prestigious colleges.

Weed is not the same as alcohol by any stretch of the imagination. Most stoners tend to just chill out and become more introverted. However, it's your house and if you don't want it around, I think that is a reasonable request. However, you will almost certainly get a lot of pushback about it. Especially these days that it has been largely decriminalized.

I don't blame you for being worried about the ants and wanting the little one to eat healthy food. That conversation will almost definitely lead to a lot of conflict, as well. People tend to get defensive about their diet. I'm lucky because we're vegetarians and generally eat fairly healthy anyway. However, I wouldn't be surprised if this doesn't become a problem for me in the future too. My exGFwBPD tends to totally overeat junk food, as well, so that will be spilling over soon, I bet.

This reminds me I need to buy bananas to bring over on my visit on Saturday...

[Orangesoda]

Thanks for your feedback EZEarache

I too was a pothead in my earlier years, when my children were born I just felt way too guilty to be stoned around them. I mean what if there was a medical emergency and here I am high? So it's not so much that I'm freaked out about the weed, but more about her inability to bond with her child or clue in to his cues on a sober day, let alone when she's high. What I think bothers me the most is that she has shared stories about her own childhood and parents who were alcoholics, and what it was like for her seeing them impaired. I am also contributing financially to them because my son can't afford to provide for her and grandson, yet they can afford to buy weed? (Which my son tells me is being given to her freely and which I find very hard to believe)

I agree that the effects of pot are not the same as alcohol but the effects of pot and/or alcohol are also not the same for everybody. A few years prior to legalization they had a little grow closet for their personal use which led to a fire, massive damages, eviction from their home and charges for both of them. There are functional alcoholics/stoners and then there are non-functional ones. If they want to go out to the shed for a toke after grandson is in bed, which they do do, they'll not hear about it from me. Yet add the other factors into the equation and this becomes an issue.

I can't do anything about the healthy food except encourage them to educate themselves on nutrition. What I can do is give him healthy food while he is in my care. Also, I think I have a handle on the ants, haven't seen many in the last day so the bait is working (I hope).

[EZEarache]

A few years prior to legalization they had a little grow closet for their personal use which led to a fire, massive damages, eviction from their home and charges for both of them.

There are functional alcoholics/stoners and then there are non-functional ones.

Yep, you're absolutely right. That sounds like non-functional for sure. Money has been tight for me over the years, but I've never had to rely on my parents for a roof over my head. Neither has my pwuBPD. I also had the insight that I needed to give it up once I started having serious relationship trouble. Why run the risk of throwing more fuel on the fire...

Glad to hear you got your infestation under control.