Really a Break up?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So a little background: My girlfriend and I had been together for a little over a year. We have been doing long-distance since not long after we met which has been difficult at times. She is diagnosed with BPD and Bi-Polar on top of a few other things that come with the territory. Things have not always been great, but we have worked through it, honestly, she is the most caring and kind-hearted person I know. She's helped me with my mental health problems when no one else would, she basically built me up from a broken state and I can actually walk on my own two feet again, of course, I never told her that.

I went a visited her in March and everything was great, she suggested I go with her and her kids on spring break to Florida. I managed to get the time off and joined them at her parent's house. When I got there everything was great, super affectionate, and loving everything like all the trips before. I was hitting off with the parents and the kids.

I had started the process of picking up my life and moving to be closer to her. We weren't just talking about it, I had given notice at work that I would be leaving in May, I got a cab for my truck, started looking for a new job. She had found me housing (the kids asked me not to move in right away and I agreed, after all, it's their house not mine), was putting feelers out for jobs, and even had a few calls in for care insurance, health insurance, and therapist. So again we had really started talking about a life together.

So the last two days of our trip (I had to leave a day early due to work) she's super distant. I would hug her and she would pull away, not like her at all. We would go swimming and she'd sit on the opposite side of the pool, normally she'd be on my lap. At night she would just play on her phone, normally she'd be super cuddly because we don't get a lot of time alone when we are together. I'd say I love you and it was like in one ear and out the other. We had agreed to not have secrets from eat other but also that we wouldn't break up at the airport before a flight cause that would make flying a real pain. I said goodbye at the airport and almost asked her if we were ok, but figured she had been stressed from travel and probably just needed some alone time.

When I get to work the next day I get a text from her saying they had landed and were home, but that we needed to talk. I knew right away what was up, I had had a feeling it was coming. I figured I had something wrong, that I was no longer her favorite person. I got off work and made the call. She was very calm and told me that yes she was breaking up with me, but no I hadn't done anything wrong. She just didn't want anyone near her. Not her friends, not her kids, and not me. That it would be unfair to let me move out there to be with her because of this. I asked if she just needed time, I was supposed to move out mid of next month, she said no she doesn't think this feeling is going away. I asked if she could describe the feeling and she just says she doesn't want anyone close. She had for the last month been pushing away her only friend, an ex that still cares about her. She hadn't been doing that with me, so I was still a bit shocked when she told me.

I've read a lot about BPD and have been in Family connections, but I'm still at a loss of if this is a temporary thing due to the BPD or if something else is going on. She's pushed away everyone now only me and her ex still talk to her and I think she only does that out of guilt.

Any advice?

[SDwildk9]

So a little background: My girlfriend and I had been together for a little over a year. We have been doing long-distance since not long after we met which has been difficult at times. She is diagnosed with BPD and Bi-Polar on top of a few other things that come with the territory. Things have not always been great, but we have worked through it, honestly, she is the most caring and kind-hearted person I know. She's helped me with my mental health problems when no one else would, she basically built me up from a broken state and I can actually walk on my own two feet again, of course, I never told her that.

I went a visited her in March and everything was great, she suggested I go with her and her kids on spring break to Florida. I managed to get the time off and joined them at her parent's house. When I got there everything was great, super affectionate, and loving everything like all the trips before. I was hitting off with the parents and the kids.

I had started the process of picking up my life and moving to be closer to her. We weren't just talking about it, I had given notice at work that I would be leaving in May, I got a cab for my truck, started looking for a new job. She had found me housing (the kids asked me not to move in right away and I agreed, after all, it's their house not mine), was putting feelers out for jobs, and even had a few calls in for care insurance, health insurance, and therapist. So again we had really started talking about a life together.

So the last two days of our trip (I had to leave a day early due to work) she's super distant. I would hug her and she would pull away, not like her at all. We would go swimming and she'd sit on the opposite side of the pool, normally she'd be on my lap. At night she would just play on her phone, normally she'd be super cuddly because we don't get a lot of time alone when we are together. I'd say I love you and it was like in one ear and out the other. We had agreed to not have secrets from eat other but also that we wouldn't break up at the airport before a flight cause that would make flying a real pain. I said goodbye at the airport and almost asked her if we were ok, but figured she had been stressed from travel and probably just needed some alone time.

When I get to work the next day I get a text from her saying they had landed and were home, but that we needed to talk. I knew right away what was up, I had had a feeling it was coming. I figured I had something wrong, that I was no longer her favorite person. I got off work and made the call. She was very calm and told me that yes she was breaking up with me, but no I hadn't done anything wrong. She just didn't want anyone near her. Not her friends, not her kids, and not me. That it would be unfair to let me move out there to be with her because of this. I asked if she just needed time, I was supposed to move out mid of next month, she said no she doesn't think this feeling is going away. I asked if she could describe the feeling and she just says she doesn't want anyone close. She had for the last month been pushing away her only friend, an ex that still cares about her. She hadn't been doing that with me, so I was still a bit shocked when she told me.

I've read a lot about BPD and have been in Family connections, but I'm still at a loss of if this is a temporary thing due to the BPD or if something else is going on. She's pushed away everyone now only me and her ex still talk to her and I think she only does that out of guilt.

Any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It seems that BPD behaviors become more noticeable when intimacy deepens. That you would uproot yourself and move to be closer to her could have scared her and she’s retreating.

Advice? Perhaps give her space and let her miss you.

[SDwildk9]

Thanks, she's asked for distance today so we're going no communication for a few days.